Monday, June 29, 2015

Funny Paraprosdokians by Winston Churchill (who loved them)

Winston Churchill loved Paraprosdokians which are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to synagogue doesn't make you a Jew any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Actual Complaints From Dissatisfied Customers On Vacation

These Are Actual Complaints Received By "Thomas Cook Vacations" From Dissatisfied Customers: 
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."