Saturday, April 7, 2007

The world according to some Americans.

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time t o do it.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them , you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

The question joke

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "crap."

Home bussiness

Ma'am/Sir:

My name is Louie, and the reason for this email is that you and I might share something in comm0n.

At some point in our lives many of us have contemplated or tried to start a h0me busi.ness. Don't w0rry; I'm not trying to sell you anything. I just want to ask you a simple question?

If I helped you start a part-time busi.ness from your h0me and in two years you retired... Would you send me a Thank You card?"

If your answer is yes then please

reply to: (email removed)

with a subject

"Give_me_info*"

and the following inf0rmation in the body of your email.

1. Full Name
2. Email Address
3. Country

and you can see how I can help you achieve this in 2 years.

If your answer is no then please drop me a blank mail.

I hope you will at least take the next step and take a look.
It's fun and there is abs0lutely no binding on your part for this inf0rmation.

Thanks for your time.

Friday, April 6, 2007

Buyer beware - Penis patches!

Thank you Penis Growth Patch for enriching my marriage through an enhanced sexual relationship. My wife has become so much more interested in sex and now often initiates.
Craig Pearcy, Seattle
order here

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Your dog sucks

If he can't do this!

IRS Audit Joke

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS
auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollar s that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand beside one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss in to a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Kids view of Angels

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
Gregory, 5

I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no
matter how many people tell me I'm crazy.
Molly, 8

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget
why but scientists are working on it.
Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven
then there's still the flight training to go through.
And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something
else.
Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
Henry, 8

Angels don't eat but they drink milk from holy cows.
Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic
message is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And
when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
Regan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an
angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow.
Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.
Sara,6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good
carpenter.
Jared , 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go
for it.
Antonia, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on
helping me while she was still down here on earth.
Katelyn ,9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets.
And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get
over it.
Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they
shoot arrows at them.
Sarah, 7.

American joke

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

Airplane joke

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh@t?"

Business Directory Spam

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

Our Media-Company distributes the new 2007 edition of the "(name removed) Business Directory" CD - database of more than 700.000 companies from Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia.

It is the only source where you can find reliable and correct business information translated in the English language.

The database contains postal address, phone, fax, website, email, contact name, turnover, country of representation and description for each company. The information has been fully checked and updated.

You will find using the database extremely easy because of the wide search options: companies sorted by name, countries, products, address, phone, fax, email, website etc. as well as specialisation, etc. Programme also offers an option for saving the search results to files in different formats (txt, doc, xls, pdf and others).

The CD also includes:

1. Detailed information on exhibitions, which will take place in Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia during the 2007 year.
2. Information on authorities; economic and geographical information for Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia.
3. Maps and phone codes for all regions of these countries.

Should you be interested in ordering the directory, please don't hesitate to contact us. The price of the directory (English version) is 205.- Euro (265.- US dollars), including the shipping charges to your country.

Yours faithfully,

Mr. Sergey Sviridov,
(name removed) Media Group.
Russian Federation.

Looks like some whack rumors about a new treasury bank system is instituted

Dear friends,
I have learned some info on the Lightworker conference calls regarding our announcement that I feel you should know. The host of the calls, who has good contacts with Faction 2, has told us that when the announcement happens and the new treasury bank system is instituted, only the money you have in the bank will be exchanged, NOT the paper money in your wallet, house, or pocket. Coins will still be good; it is a good idea to have quarters, nickels, and dimes on hand to spend after the announcement happens, as FRNs will be no good.

Education about our new economy and life will last about 2 weeks, for about 8 hours a day. At least one day a week will be set aside for people to go to the store and get groceries; this is the time you will need to have coins, as checks, credit and debit cards and FRNs will be obsolete. Everything except truck stops, hospitals, and EMS services will be shut down during the education period.

Funding will not be done until AFTER the education period is over, which only makes sense, as we cannot spend the new treasury money until we KNOW how the economy will work.


in 4/2/07, Triaka (name and email removed) wrote:
Hello All ~ this sounds like the early preparations for the expected New World Order "One World Government" police state. What say you?

Goodwill to you...
Triaka

NO, Triaka, this is NESARA, the beginning of the Golden Age. We have ALREADY BEEN UNDER THE NWO for many, many years. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt took the United States OFF the gold standard back in the 1930s and the worthless FRNs were issued. The Federal Reserve Notes in your wallet are backed by NOTHING except oil. The constant INFLATION we have is PROOF your money is worthless.

When the NEW U.S. Treasury Bank system is instituted, backed by GOLD and SILVER, we will ALL need to be EDUCATED as to how the new economy will work, because CREDIT will be obsolete (it's FRAUD) and everything will be paid for IN CASH.

In addition, all the bad guys in government and business will be rounded up and REMOVED. Also all the violent and petty criminals. With the increase in energies after First Contact, the evil ones will not be able to stay around anyhow.

For those of us who KNOW about the changes and new technology that will be released once the bad guys are taken out, it will be our responsibility to inform the public that these changes are for EVERYONE'S GOOD, and they will be a lot happier, especially when there are NO MORE taxes, and all their bank loans are paid off, and FREE ENERGY is readily available. The Illuminati have kept free energy and other technology from the public for DECADES, greatly hindering our progress, in order to keep us enslaved to Big Oil and Big Utilities. THAT IS WHAT IS COMING TO AN END. Our sovereignty and privacy will be paramount, and personal responsibility will be the norm, unlike today, when no one takes responsibility for anything.

Triaka, since you are such an advocate of natural rights, you need to step forward and run for public office in your area after the announcements. Only piritual-minded people who are truly interested in the good of ALL and NOT in lining their own pockets at the public's expense will be allowed to hold office.

Those of us who are fed up with "business as usual" will need to step forward and take the lead in state and local governments so that there can be real change implemented. We must make it clear we will not tolerate the bad guys being in office. As a matter of fact, it would be a good idea to make it ILLEGAL for anyone holding a law degree to hold public office. We need entrepeneurs and creative thinkers.

Jamie the tourguide