How Would You Fix the Economy? The Fix - Political Joke.

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg, Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this person nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

PS: If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes. Mr. President, while you are at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I will bet both programs would be fixed immediately!

Best thing I have heard yet...From a senior citizen around 80 years old. We are not useless yet.

A retirement plan from Washington - joke

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Harry Truman - a different kind of President

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited The house from her mother and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952, his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year..

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices.Political offices are now for sale. (sic. Illinois )

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency - Joke

May 23, 2007: Washington, DC (AP) -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that the office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush had never been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

Hate crime bill ACLU email

Dear Friend,

Hate crimes based on sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, and disability are a daily event. You can do something today to help stop this problem -- while still protecting free speech.

For years, the ACLU had to oppose hate crime bills because they were written in a way that could also chill speech that was constitutionally protected. But this year, Congress has a chance to get it right.

A new bill, introduced by Rep. John Conyers, protects victims of hate crimes while still safeguarding free speech. Please take a moment and tell Congress to pass this landmark legislation.

Federal hate crimes legislation is necessary because sometimes, due to inadequate resources or bias against the victim, state and local law enforcement officers don’t act. By telling your representative to support the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act (H.R. 1592), you can help reduce hate crimes and ensure that our laws are fully consistent with both the Equal Protection Clause and the First Amendment.

A vote in the House of Representatives is scheduled for this Thursday afternoon, May 3. Please take action now: Tell your representative to support H.R. 1592.

Representative Conyers' bill will go a long way toward ensuring that hate crimes are treated seriously. At the same time, this bill takes an approach consistent with the constitution: it shows that it is possible to protect victims of hate crimes without jeopardizing free speech or association rights. It includes an explicit ban on the use of speech or association to prove criminal activity, unless it specifically relates to the crime.

With voting expected this Thursday, there is no time to lose. There are two ways you can get involved right now:

1. Email your representative.

2. Follow up with a phone call urging your representative to vote YES on H.R. 1592 this Thursday, without weakening amendments and without sending it back to committee. Call (202) 224-3121 and ask for your representative by name. Or, use this link to look up their information and talking points.

By sending your representative an email and following up with a phone call, you can amplify your voice during this critical time.

Opponents of this bill have been hard at work flooding their representatives’ offices with calls and emails. It’s critical that we take action today to pass this important legislation.

Help protect civil rights and free speech. Urge your representative to vote YES on H.R. 1592.

Thank you for adding your voice to this fight.

Sincerely,


Caroline Fredrickson
Director
ACLU Washington Legislative Office