How you know where you live...

You know you live in Phoenix Arizona when...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!

You know you live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You know you live in New York City when...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You know you live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You know you live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You know you live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You know you live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'

AND You know you live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa,

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida; only three are real. Most lake names end in hachee something.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour at the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us roadkill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her under-water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.

At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor-related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it 's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live... Murray 's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice? There's no difference. They're both owned by Murray who happens to be a cheap bastard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

Maxine and her ideas - We could use her for president!

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

1) Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

2) Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

3) Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? Yes!

Think about this one:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

PART OF THE PROBLEM
Also, Think about this:
If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

It is Time for America to Speak up!

Moving to Florida - Joke

April 30th:
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshiper.

June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now, swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th:
100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.

Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a roasted cat!!

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot for two #@*& months and the Weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this Godforsaken place??

Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out jail.

Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.

Solutions - joke

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?