Top 5 Best Adult Jokes

Top 5 Best Adult Jokes

5th Best Adult Joke:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 221.'


4th Best Adult Joke:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says ' I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want totally fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'


3rd Best Adult Joke:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be so embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

What's wrong, Bill?' she asked ‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'


2nd Best Adult Joke:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together'

‘I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.

'Well,' Granny he snickered 'Let's relive some old times.' Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'


Best Adult Joke:
An elderly Italian man went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... Way back during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"No, no, Father. There is more to tell. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger of being discovered; however, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question."

"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

PINCH MY NIPPLES - joke

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time.- A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming: "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed: "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

and doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!