Teachers comments and Police officer comments

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded...(but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

You know you’ve Waited Too Long to Find a Human Mate When:

--you think stripping is something you do to a terrier.

--you meet a guy named Bob and instantly visualize purple and gold rosettes.

--you think nothing about loudly discussing studs and bitches in a fancy restaurant.

--the first thing you notice about a guy is what breed of dog he has.

--your biggest turn-off is a guy with an obnoxious untrained dog.

--you never could stick to a diet to impress a guy, but you can do it to get through that TDX track.

--your only nice jewelry features either dogs, dumbbells, paw prints or rosettes.

--you have a video on how to artificially inseminate your dog but last watched a dirty movie in junior high school.

--when you talk about "scoring" you mean how you did at last weekend's obedience trial.

--your dog has more letters after his name than the last ten guys you've dated, and actually completed obedience school.

--you think that maybe your current guy has potential if you use the proper combination of positive reinforcement and the occasional well timed ear pinch.

--you "people watch" at the mall by making mental lists of the conformational faults each passer-by has to contribute to the gene pool.

--you think if you ever did marry and have children that you wouldn't have to buy a playpen because you already have an extra x-pen. And why buy a crib?? Crates are cheaper and they're enclosed on all sides.

--you give all of your married friends child-rearing advice based on your extensive background in dog training.

--your mother's worst fear is that you'll have a child and make it wear a pinch collar.

--your mother's second worst fear is you'll get married and your dog will be in the wedding party.

--you actually have friends whose dogs HAVE been part of the wedding party.

--when your cousin tells you how much her wedding costs you think how many show-quality puppies that could buy you.

--all of your friends always include your dog in any invitation they issue to you. Of course, you reciprocate because you only have doggy friends left ... the others have stopped inviting you places because you insist on bringing the dog!

--when you read the personal ads you skip past the vital statistics and rule out any that don't say "animal lover".

--you know your dog's cholesterol but not your own.

--when you lament to your friends about chronic yeast infections, they know you're talking about your dog's ears.

--you last had a professional portrait done for your high school graduation, but you just spent 50% of your dog's purchase price having his done by the best canine photographer in the country.

--you and your dog use the same kind of hairbrush, and you never can keep straight whose is whose.

--you spend 8 hours grooming your dog for a show the day before, and 1.25 minutes pony tailing your hair the morning of the show.

--you think that people with bad bites shouldn't be allowed to breed.

--your mother is ecstatic to see you browsing the aisle with the hair coloring, after hounding you for three years to try highlighting. Only to be disappointed when she finds out the peroxide is to "touch up" your Saint's drool marks.

--when someone mentions single bars, you wonder if they are talking about utility or agility jumps.

--when you go "clubbing", you have your choice of the all-breed club, the specialty club, the obedience club, or the tracking club.

--you once made earrings out of old rabies tags, and all your friends wanted a pair.