today's stocks - funny stock joke sayings

Todays stock report:

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers were unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

new stock market terms - jokes

New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2008 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.

New Aviation Company Capitalizes On Growing Private Jet Market -stgock scam spam

New Aviation Company Capitalizes On Growing Private Jet Market

(obvious stock pump scam)



Dear Investor,

Just wanted to let you know about an up and coming aviation business that has recently partnered with a US venture capital firm to raise funds for their growing business. The private jet market or more specifically the Very Light Jet (VLJ) market has been growing in popularity in the United States ever since the attacks on 9/11. More and more corporate travelers are beginning to take advantage of these types of flights because they provide the convenience of private jet travel without the expense of the larger corporate jets.

This growing trend in light jets has led to increased demand for fuel and service needs at these smaller airports. This is where this aviation company is taking part in this growing market. They have experience in acquiring and managing what are called Fixed Based Operators or FBOs. These service stations are like a gas station, repair shop, and ground transportation center all-in-one. And they provide all the services of a larger airport to individuals and corporate flyers when they land at smaller regional airports.

To find out more about how this company is taking advantage of these trends, please click here, (link goes to http://pws.prserv.net/FBO/landingpage.html)

Regards,



Richard C. Young
Senior Investment Director
Venture Alliance

P.S. - We have also included an article from the World Aircraft Sales Magazine about the growing trend for buying FBO businesses. Its free for your download once you submit your information.

5090 Richmond Ave, Ste 529, Houston, TX 77056
Venture Alliance All Rights Reserved 2008 Privacy Preferences

Breaking news - Stock Pump scam email

Subject: Breaking news
Sent From: Genaro Peck
Sent Via Email: GalesputnikWaller@privatephone.com

Everyone Knows Travel is a crucial part of successful business and businessmen alike

We have found a company which specialises in making smooth business travel their main stay And they do a damn good job at it Red Branch Technologies
Symbol: RBTI

Red Branch Technologies, Inc. makes business travel easier, more secure and more responsive for both the hard-charging business traveler and the corporation by meeting travel needs at each point in the travel cycle. The company's innovative my/mTravel(r) and mTravel(r) products automate the business travel process from planning and booking to en route services and support, thru post travel reporting and unused ticket redemption. Red Branch's Magellan360 provides agency and net-delivered back office services to independent professional travel marketers.

The company has real clients and income stream.

With over 60,000 Business travellers, credit and identity theft protection, trademarked and patented software, double digit increase in revenues ( up to 22 Million ) we strongly believe huge profits are to be had in thie gem

Look at their recent PR's, do your Due diligence and see why you want to be in RBTI

Forward looking statements are based on expectations, estimates and projections at the time the statements are made that involve a number of risks and uncertainties which could cause actual results or events to differ materially from those presently anticipated

Next big market winner - Stock Pump scam email

Subject: Next big market winner
Sent From: Norman Owens
Sent Via Email: DalewaspCruz@clintonnews.com

Rising Star Stock report.

A true innovator in digital technology
Introducing DNC MultiMedia Corp
Ticker: DCNM
Huge volume and price spike today, get in before everyone knows about it

About the Company
DnC Multimedia, Inc. ("DnC") is a designer, manufacturer and marketer of a broad range of digital media technology products, including portable media players (e.g. mp3 audio, video, etc.), high-end encoding technology, and creative software. DnC was formed by a merger of DnC Tech, Inc. of South Korea and Pluginz, Inc. of Palo Alto, California to take advantage of certain technology, market and geographic synergies between the companies. The Company is now headquartered in Palo Alto, California and maintains engineering and R&D facilities in Seoul, South Korea.

DNC's Korean operation has some of the most sophisticated multimedia technology and portable media devices in the world, some of which are private-labeled by such companies as Microsoft, Samsung, LG, and Napster. Additionally, the Company's Pluginz ecommerce operation brings a very sophisticated marketplace for multimedia technology to the combined company, with its network of websites (the "Pluginz Network", hosting the largest catalog of media-creation software in the world and a partnership with Adobe.

Do your DD on DCNM and see why we believe this stock is a safe and profitable trade right now.

Wall Street Alert – ZYTC stock scam spam

Subject: Wall Street Alert
Sent By: Tyree Buckner
Via Email RupertgallusCooke@washingtonpost.com
Determination: Total scam for stocks. Spam email.

(Also sent this way)
Subject: The Bull is Back
Sent By: Clement Pace
Via Email:DennythoseNoble@gigaom.com

Medical suuplies is one of the hottest sectors currently And the timing is very opportune.

With cutting edge technology and state of the ART sortwares to do both improve complex patient care and improve profits for medical practitioners, we believe we have a winner in ZYTO CORP
Symbol : ZYTC.

Looks like the selling is over, Read the PR's and research ZYTO Corp and see why this is a value stock at bargain price.

It's due and ripe for a breakout.

Ride the easy 10 bagger

Sym: ZYTC

messaging not just OrderPro Logistics – stock scam spam

Subject: messaging not just (OrderPro Logistics – stock scam spam)

Once again the strong winner hits!
Our first and very promising pick of 08
To watch Tuesday, the 11th of March 2008
Analysis of OrderPro Logistics:
Sym: OPLO
At: 0.006 (Upwards trend, a perfect time to get in)
5day Est: 0.02
In recent Headlines: OrderPro Logistics Announces Warehouse Customer Expansion Within CMA Logistics Subsidiary
Do your own research on this phenomenal new company, and you will see why it is a great addition to your 'portefollio'.
Again, this one will fly up to the sky!
We have never been wrong before!
Get it up on your watch list on Tue the 11th, March 08
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It's A Whole New Ballgame At PPYH - stock spam scam

(do not buy this PPYH stock it is a scam!)

It's A Whole New Ballgame At PPYH.

Physical Property Holdings Inc.
PPYH
$0.25

Big changes are looking like big returns as new Real Estate focus takes hold at PPYH. They have already acquired several properties and targeting even more. This will warm up in Monday and we expect heavy trading all week. Get your broker to get in there for you.

Searching For New Companies To Acquire On Top Of SREA's Agenda.

(This is a another obvious stock scam so do not buy SREA)

Score One (SREA.OB)
Price: $0.145

SREA continues to be aggressive in its acquisitions, as it looks to the Expo for new harvesting grounds. Continuing to expand its assets through acquisition will increase share value for investors. Do your due diligence and get ready to move. Set your buy for SREA for opening bell Wednesday.

Rumor or news - stock spam for ONCO

Interesting style of spam for ONCO. Obviously don't buy ONCO stock!


Rum,or N-e_w*s-:

Onc'_ology M e'd . I+n+c'. ( OTC: O'NCO) a Canc+er Treatm.e.nt Sol+utio ns G'roup is s a-i_d to h-a+v,e e'xper_ienced o v-e-r a 10+00% i*ncrea,se in re'ven'ues f+o'r t.h.e f_iscal 3'r_d q uarter endi'ng J,u l.y-,

2'0'0+7 comp.are.d w i-t+h t,h*e pri+or y e'a r whil,e fi_scal fou'rth quart.er resu'lts f*o,r 2*0_0+7 a'r,e on

tra'ck to exce ed t h'i+s year,?s thir d quarte-r res_ults.


O,N C_O add'.itionally pl,ans to increa,s,e servic.e of'fe'rings w,hich a.r.e curr,e ntly un*derwa.y.
Do'n?t w+a+i t f'o-r t.h.e n.e_w*s to c+o*m,e o'u t a.n,d l,o-s'e t'h-e oppo.rtu_nity to g-e't in fr'ont of the

g'eneral inve+s-ting public+. O*nc.ology M_e+d is in a multi bi+llion dol-lar ind'u stry w*h'e-r.e t_h.e'y a'r.e gain_ing mark-et sha*re r-apidly.


C+a*l*l y'o-u'r br-oker n,o w f.o,r O N*C.O+.