Your Outstanding Remittance Amount Discovered: Scam Spam Email for Phishing

Subject: RE: YOUR OUTSTANDING REMITTANCE AMOUNT DISCOVERED

Sent By: CHRISTY DUNCAN

Sent Via Email Address: nelsonpayment@gmail.com

Determination: Scam spam email for phishing and embezzlement. Love crappy grammar and cap locks!

FROM THE DESK OF CHIEF AUDITOR
INTERNATIONAL AUDITING DEPARTMENT
OFFSHORE CREDIT COMMISSION
LONDON UK.

RE: YOUR OUTSTANDING REMITTANCE AMOUNT DISCOVERED

I AM WRITING TO YOU IN A TOP CONFIDENTIAL LEVEL AS I MADE AN ASTONISHING DISCOVERY DURING THE COURSE OF MY AUDITING FOR THE JUST CONCLUDED FISCAL YEAR.A WHOPPING SUM THAT RUNS INTO MILLIONS OF UNITED STATES DOLLARS WAS UNCOVERED BY ME WITH YOUR NAME AS THE MAIN BENEFICIARY. THIS FUND WAS ORIGINALLY TRANSFERRED TO THIS OFFICE BY YOUR PARTNERS AFTER WHICH THE OPTED FOR PAYMENT IN A DIFFERENT LOCATION. UNFORTUNATELY THE FUND WAS RETURNED HERE IN OUR OFFICE AS THE SAFEST VENUE FOR DISBURSEMENT. EVER SINCE THEN NOBODY HAS COME FOR THE CLAIM.

ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE BEEN MAKING SERIES OF SEPARATE FRUITLESS ARRANGEMENT TO HAVE THIS PAYMENT RECEIVED FROM ELSEWHERE BUT THE WHOLE TRUTH IS THAT YOUR FUND HAS BEEN LYING HERE WAITING FOR IMMEDIATE PAYMENT.

NOTE THAT IF YOU KEEP ON DEALING WITH THOSE PEOPLE IN DIFFERENT LOCATIONS, THEY WILL NOT SUCCEED IN FINALIZING YOUR PAYMENT HENCE YOUR FUND IS LYING HERE UNCLAIMED AND THIS THEY WILL NOT TELL AS THEY ARE INTERESTED IN EXTORTION.

CONSEQUENTLY, I WISH TO ASSIST YOU TO RELEASE THIS FUND ONLY IF YOU ARE WILLING TO PLAY ALONG WITH ME AND MAINTAIN A HIGH LEVEL OF CONFIDENTIALITY AS MY OFFICE IS AT STAKE IF ANYONE SHOULD KNOW OF MY INVOLVEMENT TO ASSIST YOU.

FURTHERMORE, I SHALL BE REQUESTING FOR JUST 5% OF YOUR TOTAL PAYMENT VALUE WHICH SHALL BE GIVEN TO ME ONCE YOUR PAYMENT IS FINALIZED AND YOU RECEIVE IT IN YOUR PREFERRED BANK ACCOUNT.ONLY THEN I SHALL SEND MY BANK DETAILS FOR MY OWN SHARE ACCORDINGLY.IT IS IMPORTANT YOU REALIZE THAT I AM IN THE POSITION TO MAKE USE OF MY AUTHORITY HERE TO GET THIS REMITTANCE FINALIZED WITHIN 48HRS, ONCE MY REQUEST HAS BEEN ACCEPTED AND I HAVE YOUR WRITTEN ASSURANCE AS TO THIS REGARDS.

IF THIS IS ACCEPTABLE TO YOU, PLEASE GET BACK TO ME WITH THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION TO ENABLE URGENT CONCLUSION.

1)CONFIRMATION OF YOUR ASSURANCE OF 5% TO ME THEREAFTER.

2)CONFIRMATION THAT THE FUND BELONGS TO YOU.

3)YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBERS

UPON THE RECEIPT OF THE ABOVE I SHALL IMMEDIATELY COMMENCE ON THE TRANSFER FORMAILITIES.

AWAITING YOUR URGENT COOPERATION AS I AM INTERESTED IN AN URGENT CONCLUSION OF THIS ISSUE.

Contact Email christyduncan26@yahoo.com and hot line 004470111978934

REGARDS

Christy Duncan

Grandparents' Answering Machine Message and What Grandparents Are

This grandparents' answering machine message and what grandparents are stories are for the grandparents-to-be and those who already are.

Good morning... At present, we are not at home but please leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp...

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash and iron your clothes, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking. We are listening!"

---

What Is A Grandparent? These are the answers taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds. If you are not a grandparent, you will still love this. If you are, it shows how precious the babies are and what we mean to them.

Grandparents are a woman and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.

They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the
stores and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then when we are done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

It' funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

The Seven (7) Kinds of Sex – sex jokes

The first kind of sex is called Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The second kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The third kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The fourth kind of sex is called Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F**k You'

The fifth kind of sex is called Religious Sex. (Very Popular)
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The sixth kind of sex is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

...And last but not least

The seventh kind of sex is called Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month, But it’s not enough to enjoy yourself.

Please do not reply to tell me what stage you are in and I have enough problems of my own!

6 Affairs – Collection Of Jokes About Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

---

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

---

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private parts he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

---

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

---

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

---

The 6th and Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Central Bank Of Nigeria Your Over-Due Contract Payment Scam Spam Email

Sent by: CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)

Sent Via Email: info@cbn.org

Subject: URGENT RESPOND.

Determination: Scam spam email using email address that is being spoofed from The Christian Broadcasting Network, Inc. What an interesting combination!


YOUR OVER-DUE CONTRACT PAYMENT.
From the Desk Of:Sanusi Lamido Aminu Sanusi Executive Governor (CBN) IMMEDIATE PAYMENT
REF: CBN/IRD/CBX/021/07
EMAIL:-www-centralbnknigeria-lloydsbnk@hotmail.com

ATTENTION:

THIS IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT YOUR OVER DUE CONTRACT FUND HAS BEEN GAZETTED TO BE RELEASED, VIA KEY TELEX TRANSFER (KTT ) -DIRECT WIRE TRANSFER TO YOU OR THROUGH OUR LONDON OFFICE BY THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN OVER DUE FUND TRANSFER.

MEANWHILE, A WOMAN CAME TO MY OFFICE FEW DAYS AGO WITH A LETTER, CLAIMING TO BE YOUR TRUE REPRESENTATIVE.HERE ARE HER INFORMATION'S:

NAME: LILLIAN DEBORAH DUNCAN
BANK NAME: ST.GEORGE BANK AUSTRALIA
BANK ADDRESS: SOUTH AUSTRALIA.
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 67578438905879.

PLEASE, DO RECONFIRM TO THIS OFFICE , AS A MATTER OF URGENCY IF THIS WOMAN IS FROM YOU SO THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR PAYING INTO THE WRONG ACCOUNT INFORMATION.

IF THIS WOMAN IS NOT YOUR REP, YOU ARE REQUESTED TO FILL AND SEND THIS INFORMATION FOR VERIFICATIONS PURPOSES SO THAT YOUR FUND VALID US$12.5M US DOLLARS WILL BE REMITTED INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT INFO.THIS FUND IS AS A RESULT OF CONTRACT ON YOUR BEHALF.

1. YOUR NAME:..............................
2. YOUR FULL ADDRESS:...................................
3. YOUR TELEPHONE ..................................
4. FAX...................................................
5. AGE......................................................
6. SEX:....................................
7. YOUR OCCUPATION:.......................................

AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THIS, WE WILL COMMENCE WITH ALL NECESSARY PROCEDURES IN OTHER TO RECOMMIT THIS MONEY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

THE CENTRAL BANK GOVERNOR, EXECUTIVE, BOARD OF DIRECTORS AND THE SENATE COMMITTEE FOR FOREIGN OVER DUE CONTRACT FUND HAVE APPROVED AND ACCREDITED THIS REPUTABLE BANK WITH THE OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR, INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE / FOREIGN OPERATIONS, TO HANDLE AND TRANSFER ALL FOREIGN CONTRACT FUND THIS FIRST QUARTER PAYMENT OF THE YEAR.HOWEVER, WE SHALL PROCEED TO ISSUE ALL PAYMENTS DETAILS TO THE SAID MRS.WHITE, IF WE DO NOT HEAR FROM YOU WITHIN THE NEXT THREE WORKING DAYS FROM TODAY. WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE THE DELAY IN TRANSFERRING OF THIS FUND MUST HAVE CAUSE YOU.

PLEASE MAIL BACK,www-centralbnknigeria-lloydsbnk@hotmail.com , YOU CAN CALL ME
ON:+2348027234471

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOURS SINCERELY,
Sanusi Lamido Aminu Sanusi
GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)

CC: FEDERAL HIGH COURT.
CC: OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY APPROVED STAMP 55/RR/TT.
CC: EFCC NIGERIA BATCH (NIG6454/INST7).

Email Address tracking

Domain ID:D4198152-LROR
Domain Name:CBN.ORG
Created On:07-Jul-1993 04:00:00 UTC
Last Updated On:05-Aug-2009 12:50:10 UTC
Expiration Date:06-Jul-2013 04:00:00 UTC
Sponsoring Registrar:Melbourne IT, Ltd (R52-LROR)
Status:OK
Registrant ID:10686353623350
Registrant Name:The Christian Broadcasting Network, Inc
Registrant Street1:977 Centerville Turnpike
Registrant Street2:_
Registrant Street3:
Registrant City:Virginia Beach
Registrant State/Province:VA
Registrant Postal Code:23463-0001
Registrant Country:US
Registrant Phone:+1.17572263551
Registrant Phone Ext.:
Registrant FAX:+1.17572263550
Registrant FAX Ext.:
Registrant Email:lisa.webber@cbn.org
Admin ID:10686353626780
Admin Name:Lisa Webber
Admin Street1:977 Centerville Turnpike
Admin Street2:CBN--CSB336
Admin Street3:
Admin City:Virginia Beach
Admin State/Province:VA
Admin Postal Code:23463-0001
Admin Country:US
Admin Phone:+1.7572263551
Admin Phone Ext.:
Admin FAX:+1.7572263550
Admin FAX Ext.:
Admin Email:lisa.webber@cbn.org
Tech ID:10686353633380
Tech Name:Richard Shaw
Tech Street1:977 Centerville Turnpike
Tech Street2:CBN--CSB206
Tech Street3:
Tech City:Virginia Beach
Tech State/Province:VA
Tech Postal Code:23463-0001
Tech Country:US
Tech Phone:+1.7572263150
Tech Phone Ext.:
Tech FAX:+1.7572263126
Tech FAX Ext.:
Tech Email:richard.shaw@cbn.org
Name Server:NS1.CBN.ORG
Name Server:NS2.CBN.ORG

No subject scam email sent by Mrs. Favour Daniela Daniel

Lately we have seen a huge increase in scam spam emails again such as this one with no subject sent by Mrs. Favour Daniela Daniel for the JONATHAN DANIEL FOUNDATION.

Note the terrible grammar and miss-capitalization.

Sent By: Mrs. Favour Daniela Daniel.

Sent Via Email Address: mrs.favourdd200@gmail.com

Beloved your interest would interest me most.

i am Mrs. Favour Daniela Daniel., a British woman, suffering from cancerous ailment. i am married to Mr. Daniel Jonathan, my husband worked with chevron corporation for twenty years before he died at the age of 54 in 5th of January 2008 after a brief illness. Since his death i decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home due to our tradition.

my husband and i prepared a blueprint for establishing a foundation that would be directed towards helping the needy in our society. This plan was still in the incubation stage rearing for activation before the sickness that claimed my husband and now left me in this debilitating state. my late husband deposited the sum of 12 million (twelve million united states dollars) with a finance house presently this money is still there i am writing from my sick bed. i am looking for a credible person to whom i will pass the right of next of kin. Although we have not met before, i got your email address on the internet, and my confidence reposed on you. i hope you read this message carefully and reply me immediately.

recently, my doctor told me that i have limited days to live due to the stroke and cancerous problems i am suffering from. i have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husband's effort to fund the upkeep of widows and charities worldwide. In other words, you shall utilize 80% of this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around the world but in our names: FAVOUR - JONATHAN DANIEL FOUNDATION.

You will have to assure me that you will act according to my instructions as i have explained here and to keep this matter confidential till when this fund get to your custody. i cannot predict what will be my fate by the time the fund will be transferred into your account, but you should please ensure that the fund is used as i have stated above. Your interest to executing this assignment for the sake of the needy globally would interest me most as i am convinced that i have only few months to stay here on earth.

If this condition is acceptable by you, please contact me immediately with your :(1) full names, residential address, phone number, age and country and also your picture. i shall give you the contact of the finance house.

I do not want my husband hard-earned money to be misused. i want you to always pray for me. note that this transaction is 100% legal and real.

Thanks and God bless

Yours sincerely in the lord,

Mrs. Favour Daniela Daniel.

mrs.daniela2010@yahoo.com

Statistics and Facts about Masturbation

These statistics and facts about Masturbation by men and women have not been fact checked by us, but anyone willing to do so, feel free to do it and report your findings. This masturbation illustration was sent to us by email by an unknown sender.

Click on picture for larger image.

A friend needs some advice

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs, if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up, she goes out with the girls…a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on....

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine-mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

The sharing of marriage... funny joke

The sharing of marriage...funny joke

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered - 'THE TEETH.'

Universal Laws of life and how they work

Universal Laws of Life and How They Work

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you will have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine will not work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you do not know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they are ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you do not feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you will feel better. However, do not make an appointment, and you will stay sick.

Different ways of looking at things.

The Aussie trucker and the emu

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' And so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'Sounds great, I'll have the same'. Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.'

Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love’ says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a liter of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a nice big ass and long legs, who agrees with everything I say...

Costco has Everything!

If you don't think Costco has and know everything just read this:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample...

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Costco!