Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Alligator Joke

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We are the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.”

Well, says the big alligator,“what have you been eating? “Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator.

“Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch them?” “Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.”

“Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch them?” Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite them, shake the crap out of them, and eat them!

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. By the time you get done shaking' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.”

Saturday, August 31, 2013

President Obama walks into a local bank - political joke

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches  the cashier he says, "Good morning  Ma'am, could you please cash this  check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you  please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID  with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all  the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors,  forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention  requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing  ID."

Obama:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they  will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr.  President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need  to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine's Day"

Cashier:
"Look Mr.  President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches  without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a  beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him  to be Tiger Woods and cashed
his check."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came  into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a  fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it  is you, and only you, as the President of the United  States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and  finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that  comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea  what to do and I don't have a clue."

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

Monday, June 17, 2013

Funny Dating Ads for Old Folks and Seniors

Ads seen in "The Villages" Florida newspaper. Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor? 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT  :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
----------------------------------------------------
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Not in running condition, but walks well.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Problem with 2013 tax return

The IRS sent my Tax forms back! AGAIN!!!

I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all dependents?"

I replied:"12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, Half of Mexico and 535 fools in the US House and Senate.”

What do you want to be when you grow up

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little' Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give any importance to what he said and then continues the lesson… … and you Tanya?

"I wanna be Little Johnny's bitch!"

Boy is English hard!

You think English is easy?? This took a lot of work to put together!


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce.


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.


6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.


8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.


9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.


10) I did not object to the object.


11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.


13) They were too close to the door to close it.


14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.


15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.


16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.


17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.


18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.


19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.


20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


21) If only you knew what the new gnu knew



Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Sandy Hook Shooting Didn't Happen [PROOF] - crazy email

Subject: Sandy Hook Shooting Didn't Happen [PROOF] - crazy email

Email Sent by: VoiceOfFreedom@Inter.net


Looks like the Sandy Hook Shooting brought out more crazy's other than just the shooter. Don't believe me? read this!

Excerpt from Muad'Dib's January 7th, 2013 Critical Mass Radio interview:

...They used a poster child for this to get everybody's sympathy and to get everybody's emotions up so that they could hopefully bring in a gun ban. They used a little poster child, a little blonde-haired blue-eyed six year old girl. She was the face, the poster child. She was supposedly killed along with the other 19 six year olds and seven year olds at Sandy Hook. Three days later Obama was there doing a photo op and she's sitting on his knee. She's supposed to be dead, used as a poster child, this little girl died - she's sitting on Obama's knee three days later. The same little girl.

And then they have her parents interviewed. It shows that they're all actors. It never really happened, because the guy that was supposedly her dad, is shown in the video where he's to the side and he's laughing and joking with other people and then he's called up in front of the camera. He's off to the left. Then he's called to the center, to the focus of the camera to be interviewed and to give his speech about Sandy Hook and about his daughter. And he goes from on the side from laughing and joking with everybody, he comes up to the center and ... he takes the joking, smiling face off and you can see him physically trying to force his face to look sad and then he starts talking about how his daughter's been killed. They're actors. There were no bodies.
 
It was a made for TV drama to try to ram through the gun control laws, because they want to kill the American people and they can't kill armed people. That's why Hitler disarmed the Germans, it's why Stalin disarmed the Russians, it's why chairman Mao disarmed the Chinese and they killed between them something like 120 million of their own people. And that's what they want to do in America and they can't do it because the people have the Second Amendment and they have guns. So they have to do all of this, and they'll keep doing it. There will be more incidents like this, which are made for television, until they manage to persuade the American people to give up their guns. And then they'll start killing the Americans. Because the Americans are the only people stopping them from doing what they want to do already. They know they can't put their next phase, which is reducing the world's population, they can't put that phase into operation whilst the Americans have got millions of guns. 

***

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Sunday, October 14, 2012

Why we should not get rid of public funding for PBS and NPR

Anyone looking to pull funding from PBS and NPR just doesn't understand the value of education, and/or listen/watch and read the huge volume of non partisan studies showing the high quality of politically unbiased journalism that we Americans can enjoy and share with others around the world. Unbiased journalism that does not need to be compromised chasing after the advertising dollars.

BTW, how many children and adults are bilingual, can read and write and count because of the great FREE programing on PBS? What is that worth? Worth $1.60 per person a year? Yep. that is all the public funding PBS and NPR get COMBINED - bet you thought it was way more...didn't you!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Irish Sausages - funny Irish joke

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Get Your Free Estate Planning Guide from LegalZoom - scam spam email from Legal Zoom


Subject: Get Your Free Estate Planning Guide from LegalZoom 
Sent by: LegalZoom 
Sent Via Email Address: legal@theastrogeek.com 
Determination: Dishonest Spammer. Since legal zoom lets these dishonest people spam, who lie and cheat to beat spam filters, who can you not trust?


This is an advertisement. This message has been sent to you through an affiliate of LegalZoom. To be excluded from getting future emails, you can unsubscribe here (http://theastrogeek.com/) . 101 N. Brand Blvd., 11th Floor, Glendale, CA 91203

Here is the hidden text use by this legal zoom affiliate in order to defeat spam filters.

At the first gesture of morning, flies began stirring. Inman's eyes and the long wound at his neck drew them, and the sound of their wings and the touch of their feet were soon more potent than a yardful of roosters in rousing a man to wake. So he came to yet one more day in the hospital ward. He flapped the flies away with his hands and looked across the foot of his bed to an open triple-hung window. Ordinarily he could see to the red road and the oak tree and the low brick wall. And beyond them to a sweep of fields and flat piney woods that stretched to the western horizon. The view was a long one for the flatlands, the hospital having been built on the only swell within eyeshot. But it was too early yet for a vista. The window might as well have been painted grey. Had it not been too dim, Inman would have read to pass the time until breakfast, for the book he was reading had the effect of settling his mind. But he had burned up the last of his own candles reading to bring sleep the night before, and lamp oil was too scarce to be striking the hospital's lights for mere diversion. So he rose and dressed and sat in a ladderback chair, putting the gloomy room of beds and their broken occupants behind him. He flapped again at the flies and looked out the window at the first smear of foggy dawn and waited for the world to begin shaping up outside. The window was tall as a door, and he had imagined many times that it would open onto some other place and let him walk through and be there. During his first weeks in the hospital, he had been hardly able to move his head, and all that kept his mind occupied had been watching out the window and picturing the old green places he recollected from home. Childhood places. The damp creek bank where Indian pipes grew. The corner of a meadow favored by brown-and-black caterpillars in the fall. A hickory limb that overhung the lane, and from which he often watched his father driving cows down to the barn at dusk. They would pass underneath him, and then he would close his eyes and listen as the cupping sound of their hooves in the dirt grew fainter and fainter until it vanished into the calls of katydids and peepers. The window wanted only to take his thoughts back. Which was fine with him, for he had seen the metal face of the age and had been so stunned by it that when he thought into the future, all he could vision was a world from which everything he counted important had been banished or had willingly fled. By now he had stared at the window all through a late summer so hot and wet that the air both day and night felt like breathing through a dishrag, so damp it caused fresh sheets to sour under him and tiny black mushrooms to grow overnight from the limp pages of the book on his bedside table. Inman suspected that after such long examination, the grey window had finally said about all it had to say. That morning, though, it surprised him, for it brought to mind a lost memory of sitting in school, a similar tall window beside him framing a scene of pastures and low green ridges terracing up to the vast hump of Cold Mountain. It was September. The hayfield beyond the beaten dirt of the school playground stood pant-waist high, and the heads of grasses were turning yellow from need of cutting. The teacher was a round little man, hairless and pink of face. He owned but one rusty black suit of clothes and a pair of old overlarge dress boots that curled up at the toes and were so worn down that the heels were wedgelike. He stood at the front of the room rocking on the points. He talked at length through the morning about history, teaching the older students of grand wars fought in ancient England.

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Creation date: 31 May 2012 19:28:00 
Expiration date: 31 May 2013 11:28:00 

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Your Consent required - scam spam email


Email Subject: Your Consent required
Email Sent By: Amancio Slim
Spam Email Sent Via Email Address: paslim@mac.net


Complements of the Day,

I am contacting you concerning a deceased customer and an investment he placed
under our banks management three years ago, and I would respectfully r
request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the
integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail.
I am contacting you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this
communication. I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe
would be of interest to you.


In the year 2004, the subjects matter; came to our bank to engage in business
discussions. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of Eight Million
three hundred and seventy Thousand  British Pounds Sterling, which he wished
to have us turn over(invest) on his behalf.


I decided to treat his case personally; I made numerous suggestions in line
with my duties as the de-facto chief Intermediary Sales department of the
bank, especially given the volume of funds he wished to put into our bank. We
met on numerous occasions prior to any investments being placed. I encouraged
him to consider various growth funds with prime ratings. The favored route in
my advice to customers is to start by assessing data on 6000 traditional
stocks and bond managers and 2000 managers of alternative investments. Based
on my advice, we spun the money around various opportunities and made
attractive margins for our first months of operation, the accrued profit and
interest stood at this point at over One million United States Dollars, this
margin was not the full potential of the fund but he desired low risk
guaranteed returns on investments.


In November 2005, he asked that the money be liquidated because he needed to
make an urgent investment requiring cash payments in Finland . Where he
said,he is investing with a Firm that is building a housing estate outside
Helsinki for the government of Finland . He directed that I liquidate the
investment and deposit the funds with a security firm. I informed him that
our Bank would have to make special arrangements to have this done
and in order not to circumvent due process, the bank would have to make a 9.5
% deduction from the funds to cater for banking and statutory charges. He
complained about the charges but later came around when I explained to him the
complexities of the task he was asking of us.


Cash movement across boarders has become especially strict since the incidents
of 9/11. I contacted my affiliate and made the funds available to a security
firm. I undertook all the processes and made sure I followed his precise
instructions to the letter and had the funds deposited with the security firm
The Security Firm is a specialist private firm that accepts deposits from high
net worth individuals and blue chip corporations that handle valuable products
or undertake transactions that need immediate access to cash. This small and
highly private organization is familiar especially to the highly placed and
well-connected organizations. In line with instructions, the money was
deposited with the security firm. The Customer told me he wanted the money
there in anticipation of his arrival from Norway later that week. This was the
last communication we had, this transpired around 25th February 2006.In June
last year, we got a  call from the security firm informing us a bout th
e inactivity of that .


This was an astounding position as far as I was concerned, given the fact that
I managed the private banking sector I was the only one who knew about the
deposit at the security firm, and I could not understand why the Customer had
not come forward to claim his deposit. I made futile efforts to locate the
Customer. I immediately passed the task of locating him to the internal
investigations department of our Bank Four  days later, information
started to trickle in, apparently our client was dead. A person who suited his
description was declared dead of a heart attack in canne, in Southern part of
France . The body was identified and the cause of death was confirmed. The
bank immediately launched an investigation into possible surviving next of kin
to alert them about the situation and also to come forward to claim his
estate. If you are familiar with private banking affairs, those who patronize
our services usually prefer anonymity, but also some levels of detachment from
conventional processes.


In his bio-data form, he listed no next of kin. In the field of private
banking, opening an account with us means no one will know of its
existence,accounts are rarely held under a name; depositors use numbers and
codes to kin. Private banking clients apart from not nominating next of kin
also usually in most cases leave wills in our care, in this case; the deceased
died without a t estate. In line with our internal processes for account
holders who have passed away, we instituted our own investigations in good
faith to determine who should have right to claim the estate. This
investigation has for the past months been unfruitful. We have scanned every
continent and used our private investigation affiliate companies to get to the
root of the problem. It is this investigation that resulted in my being
furnished with your details as a possible relative of the deceased.


My official capacity dictates that I am the only party to supervise the
investigation and the only party to receive the results of the investigation
What this means, after investigating the last batch of names forwarded to us
as possible relatives, we have come to the conclusion that Our dear late
fellow died with no known or identifiable family member. This leaves me as the
only person with the full picture of what the prevailing situation is in
relation to the deposit and the late beneficiary of the deposit.
According to practice, The Security Firm will by the end of this year
broadcast a request for statements of claim to our Bank, failing to
receive viable claims they will most probably revert the deposit back to
Bank. This will result in the money entering the Bank
accounting system and the portfolio will be out of my hands and out of the
private banking division.


This will not happen if I have my way. What I wish to relate to you will smack
of unethical practice but I want you to understand something. It is only an
outsider to the banking world who finds the internal politics of the banking
world aberrational. The world of private banking especially is fraught with
huge rewards for those that occupy certain offices and oversee certain
portfolios. You should have begun by now to put together the general direction
of what I propose. There is Eight Million three hundred and seventy Thousand
British Pounds Sterling deposited in a security firm,
I alone have the deposit details and they will release the deposit to no one
unless I instruct them to do so. I alone know of the existence of this deposit
for as far as establishment is concerned.


The transaction with our late customer concluded when I sent the funds to the
security firm, all outstanding interactions in relation to the file are just
customer services and due process. The security Firm has no single idea of
what's the history or nature of the deposit. They are simply awaiting
instructions to release the deposit to any party that come forward. This is
the situation. This bank has spent great amounts of money trying to track this
man's family; they have investigated for months and have found no family. The
investigation has come to an end.


My proposal; I am prepared to place you in a position to instruct the security
Firm to release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relative. Upon
receipt of the deposit I am prepared to share the money with you. That is: I
will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit
to you and share the proceeds with you in a percentage we will arrive at
taking into consideration our individual level commitment. I would have gone
ahead to ask that the funds be released to me, but that would have drawn a
straight line to me and my involvement in claiming the deposit. But presenting
you as a relative with the right to claim the deposit as a next of kin will
mask my involvement and participation in diverting the deposit for personal
use. You will get all the documents needed to effect this claim immediately
you notify me of your acceptance to claim this deposit for our mutual benefit.
I assure you that I could have the deposit released to you within a few days.I
will simply inform the bank of the final closing of the file relating to the
deceased. I will then officially communicate with The Security Firm and
instruct them to release the deposit to you. With these two things: all is
done. The alternative would be for us to have The Security Firm direct the
funds to another bank with you as account holder. This way there will be no
need for you to think of receiving the money from The Security Company. We can
fine-tune this based on our interactions. I am aware of the consequences of
this proposal. I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you
should discard this mail. I ask that you do not be vindictive and destructive.
If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever
contacted you.


Do not destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal. You may
not know this but people like myself who have made tidy sums out of comparable
situations run the whole private banking sector.


I am not a criminal and what I do, I do not find against good conscience, this
may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates
that I make this move. Such opportunities only come ones' way once in a
lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by, for once I find myself in total
control of my destiny. These chances won't pass me by. I ask that you do not
destroy my chance, if you will not work with me let me know and let me move on
with my life but do not destroy me. I am a family man and this is an
opportunity to provide them with new opportunities. There is a reward for this
project and it is a task well worth undertaking.


I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you refusing
to work with me and alerting my bank. I am the only one who knows of this
situation, good fortune has blessed you with a luck that has planted you into
the center of relevance in my life. Let's share the blessing. If you find
yourself able to work with me, contact me through this email account. If you
give me positive signals, I will initiate this process towards a conclusion. I
wish to inform you that should you contact me via official channels; I will
deny knowing you and about this project. I repeat, I do not want you
contacting me through my official phone lines nor do I want you contacting me
through my official email account. Contact me only through the numbers I will
provide for you and also through this email address. I do not want any direct
link between you and myself. My official lines are not secured lines as they
are periodically monitored to assess our level of customer care in line with
our Total Quality Management.


Please, again, note I am a family man; I have a wife and children. I send you
this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences, but I
know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and
riches never come easy or on a platter of gold. This is the one truth I have
learned from my private banking clients. Do not betray
my confidence.


Sincerely,
Amancio Slim
mxd@post.com


Saturday, July 7, 2012

Do you want to be the next Gordon Gekko? Scam spam email

Sent by: Fantasy Day Trader Sent Via Email Address: noreply@fantasydaytrader.com Determination: Scumbag low life spammers praying on the poor with a get rich scheme. Total scam. Total rip off. Totally unwanted spam in my inbox! 

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Full Information on scammers from  Fantasy Day Trader.

Domain Name:   FANTASYDAYTRADER.COM
Created Date:  26-Aug-2011
Expiry Date:  26-Aug-2012
Nameserver:  ns.mainnameserver.com
Nameserver:  ns2.mainnameserver.com
Registrant Name: Jane Malook
Registrant Company: JAK Enterprises Ltd
Registrant Address: 306 Victoria House
Registrant Address: Victoria
Registrant Address: 306 Mahe
Registrant Address: Seychelles
Technical Name:  Jane Malook
Technical Company: JAK Enterprises Ltd
Technical Address: 306 Victoria House
Technical Address: Victoria
Technical Address: Mahe
Technical Address: 306 Mahe
Technical Address: Seychelles
Technical Email: jmalook@jsmwireless.com
Technical Tel:  +44.7748774945
Administrative Name: Jane Malook
Administrative Company: JAK Enterprises Ltd
Administrative Address: 306 Victoria House
Administrative Address: Victoria
Administrative Address: Mahe
Administrative Address: 306 Mahe
Administrative Address: Seychelles
Administrative Email: jmalook@jsmwireless.com
Administrative Tel: +44.7748774945