Socially Unacceptable Humor - Bad and Dirty Jokes

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend...yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 dumb ass Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

The Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man kneeling down and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts, 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows crap in it'.)

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English.'

The Amish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

John McCain and Sons - true and false story

Finally a true email! Well and then a lie.

This is an interesting email as it starts honest and forthright and then slams Obama by intentionally misrepresenting a quote from his book.

A good honest story then turned into false propaganda.

John McCain does have sons in the military but the slam at the end of this email misquotes Obama out of context and draws the opposite conclusion. Obama is referring to Americans and the email makes it appear he is against Americans.

Talk about putting your most valuable where your mouth is! Apparently this was not 'newsworthy' enough for the media to comment about. Can either of the other presidential candidates truthfully come close to this? ... Just a question for each of us to seek an answer, and not a statement.

You see...character is what's shown when the public is not looking. There were no cameras or press invited to what you are about to read about, and the story comes from one person in New Hampshire.

One evening last July, Senator John McCain of Arizona arrived at the New Hampshire home of Erin Flanagan for sandwiches, chocolate-chip cookies and a heartfelt talk about Iraq. They had met at a presidential debate, when she asked the candidates what they would do to bring home American soldiers - - soldiers like her brother, who had been killed in action a few months earlier.

Mr. McCain did not bring cameras or press. Instead, he brought his youngest son, James McCain, 19, then a private first class in the Marine Corps about to leave for Iraq. Father and son sat down to hear more about Ms. Flanagan's brother Michael Cleary, a 24-year-old Army First Lieutenant killed by an ambush...a roadside bomb.

No one mentioned the obvious: In just days, Jimmy McCain could face similar perils. 'I can't imagine what it must have been like for them as they were coming to meet with a family that...' Ms. Flanagan recalled, choking up. 'We lost a dear one,' she finished.

Mr. McCain, now the presumptive Republican nominee, has staked his candidacy on the promise that American troops can bring stability to Iraq. What he almost never says is that one of them is his own son, who spent seven months patrolling Anbar Province and learned of his father's New Hampshire victory in January while he was digging a stuck military vehicle out of the mud.
Two of Jimmy's three older brothers went into the military. Doug McCain, 48, was a Navy pilot. Jack McCain, 21, is to graduate from the Naval Academy next year, raising the chances that his father, if elected, could become the first president since Dwight D. Eisenhower with a son at war.

I chose to share this with those who I believe will pass it on, to others who will pass it on. We hear so much inflated trash out there. How about a simple act of kindness ... and dedication to others placed above oneself?

Has anybody heard if Barack Hussein Obama has served in The American Armed Services?

If any of you plan on voting for Obama I feel you need to read his book……

From Barack's book, Audacity of Hope:

'I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction.'

HE DID NOT SAY STAND WITH AMERICANS!!!!!

Well this part of the Email is not true.

"I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction."

This is a corruption of a quote from Obama's book The Audacity of Hope. It is from a section that talks about the concerns of immigrants who are American citizens. Here is the accurate and more complete quote:

"Of course, not all my conversations in immigrant communities follow this easy pattern. In the wake of 9/11, my meetings with Arab and Pakistani Americans, for example, have a more urgent quality, for the stories of detentions and FBI questioning and hard stares from neighbors have shaken their sense of security and belonging. They have been reminded that the history of immigration in this country has a dark underbelly; they need specific assurances that their citizenship really means something, that America has learned the right lessons from the Japanese internments during World War II, and that I will stand with them should the political winds shift in an ugly direction."

Kind of changes the meaning of that quote doesn’t it? Do you see the word Muslim in that quote? Of more than 150 different stories that have come into my inbox for fact checking, only 1 proved to be true.

A pilot's perspective on Obama - Obama slander email

Never bothered to fact check these but I already see errors in this anti Obama email.

Determination: written and circulated by white, mostly Jewish persons with fear and discrimination of Blacks, Muslims and Atheists. “If they are not my color or don’t pray to my god they must be bad”

Do I have this straight?

His father was a black African Muslim from Kenya. We have seen pictures of his African family.

His mother was a white American atheist from Kansas. Where are the pictures of his American family?

His father deserted his mother when he was only two years old and went back to Africa by way of Harvard University. How? Was his father wealthy?

His mother married an Indonesian Muslim and then moved to Jakarta where he was enrolled in a Muslim school.

When he reached high school age his mother sent him to Hawaii to be with his white grandparents and he was put into an expensive private school. He later went to Harvard University. How? Were his grandparents rich?

He lives in a $1.4 million house obtained through a deal with a wealthy fundraiser. How?

He 'worked' as a civil rights activist in Chicago. He has never held a productive job or received a pay check that was not government-funded and/or taxpayer supported.

The presidency is not a civil rights position, nor is it subject to affirmative action set asides; on-the-job training won't cut it.

He entered politics at the state level and then the national level where he has minimal experience.

He is proud of his 'African heritage' (a father who got a white girl pregnant and deserted her).

Where is the pride in his 'white heritage'? (a mother who flaunted convention and did not believe in god).

Some might think there was not much to be proud of either way.

He belongs, and has belonged for over 20 years, to an 'afro-centric' church in Chicago that hates whites, hates Jews, and blames America for all the world's perceived faults. (Including creating the aids virus in order to inflict it on Africans).

He repeatedly whitewashes the pastor, his church and the members who cheered after hearing vitriolic tirades against America.

He could not confront his pastor but he wants us to believe he can confront north Korea and Iran?

During his very brief time in the United States senate he has managed to amass the number one ultra liberal voting record out of the one hundred members.

He has voted consistently for bigger government and higher taxes. He has voted for big entitlements and legislation that would severely curtail America 's ability to fight terrorism and to protect our borders and our national interests around the world.

But, he is a good orator. Isn't that a comfort?

Yeah, i think i see how well he could unite the country.

I think the truth is that he hopes no one will put the pieces together.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to our new chief pilot. He has never flown an airplane, in fact he has never even sat in the cockpit, but he says he has ridden on planes before. We are sure he will guide us safely through the storms we may encounter on this flight.

People what are you thinking? Have you never heard the story about the wolf hiding in sheep's clothing so he can destroy them from within? The hand writing is on the wall, do you not have eyes to see it?

Think long and hard before you vote for this guy! Consider your kids & grandkids their future is in our voting hands.

Middle east - joke

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"