I Am Growing Older - Closing the Gap

Closing the Gap
by Rabbi Yaakov Salomon

As I grow older, things are no longer the same with my children.

My Dear Children,

One of my greatest joys in life is watching all of you grow up. But I wonder what it must be like for you watching me grow up?

As you know, I visit with Bubby in the Home every day and I have a unique opportunity to take in the scene. The old folks spend most of the day shuffling in and out of the pastel lobby, urging their walkers between the oversized, stuffy, high-back chairs and the undersized, fragile, bent-back residents.

I see Mr. Weiss. He's probably about 82. He seems to need less assistance than the others, except in the dining room when he dons his white disposable apron. I nod and he flashes a timid grin. He's not exactly embarrassed, but his vulnerability does not evoke pride or self-confidence either.

Sometimes I gaze at Mr. Weiss for a long time...too long...and I wonder:

"How did he earn a living?"
"Does he have family? Where are they?"
"What made him happy?"
"Did he laugh a lot as a child?"
"Does he think about dying?"

And then the mind really starts wandering -- mostly to places we are reluctant to admit.

"Will I be here someday?"
"Will I feel alone?"
"How well will the mind work?"
"Will I need help with my apron?"

And as I contemplate what the distant future might bring, I also think about what the past was like and what the present is really all about. Things are no longer the same.

When you were younger, you may have seen me as flawless and unblemished. That's how kids are. That's how they need to be. That idealized image made you feel safe and secure. It gave you ambition and allowed you to dream. That's something that should never change.

But gradually you found out that parents are not God. Yes, they create, they love unconditionally, they lead, and they provide -- but they are human. They have fears and questions, worries and imperfections. Those realizations about us can frighten you. But they can also bring us closer.

With your development into adulthood, the playing field has gotten smaller. We really are quite similar in the things we struggle with and in the way we cope and adapt. The challenges you face in parenting, marriage, money, God, and politics are challenges that I too have encountered or have struggled with. The fears you have about health, potential, performance, and insecurity are probably fears that I have contemplated, worried about, and have grappled with. So, I understand you better than you think I do. And perhaps, you can understand me better too. All of this is new to our relationship.

It wasn't long ago, in the throngs of your maddening adolescence, that you thought I was inept, hopeless, nerdy, and out-of-touch. You waited for me to "grow-up, get with it, and learn what life is really about." That was tough -- for both of us -- but we pulled through.

And in some ways you were actually quite right. As Mommy and I grow older (if you call 50s being older), we really do learn more of what life is about. We re-organize our priorities and spend more time with the family and with each other. We laugh more than ever but also take life more seriously. And our relationship with God is deeper and more meaningful than ever before.

Whenever we joke about "getting older" you seem uncomfortable, and that is natural. When we momentarily forget something simple -- like a birthday, a quotable quote from a grandchild, or who our Governor is (hard to keep track these days), you wince ever so slightly. The denial is palpable. It's hard to accept. Nobody wants to dwell on the aging process -- not his own and not his parents'.

I observe you today with your own families and rejoice at how wise, patient, and understanding you are with your spouses and children. (How did that happen?) Occasionally, I secretly try to take credit for your successes and your accomplishments, but I know that, in many ways, you have surpassed some of my own achievements and expectations for you.

I want so much to be useful, even indispensable, but often discover that you can handle most things quite well on your own, thank you. That creates within me a strange mishmash of pride and futility. I relish in your independence but pine for you to still need me. It's not as easy as it looks. That's how things seem to me now.

I truly believe, though, that the best years of our relationship are still ahead of us. Things will be different. It is no longer my job to examine how you make your decisions in life, trying to teach you responsibility and urging you along the right path. You have arrived at a new stage in life -- and so have I.

Still, the force of habit can be hard to break. Part of me still relates to you not as a person but as "my child," and part of you still relates to me as nothing more than "your father."

As the years advance, I find myself thinking more about purpose and life-goals, and the legacy I want to leave. I hope I can continue to inspire you and to give to you even as I respect you more every day.

I am quite aware that I can become preachy in my desire to guide you. I may become impatient when you insist on learning from your own mistakes. I may become sanctimonious in my quest for you to live a life that is less materialistic. But try to be understanding. I do mean well; I just try too hard.

I hope you see the messages that I am trying to convey in this letter as expressions of the over-flowing love I feel for each of you.

And... one more thing. As our gap narrows, I realize that you now have much wisdom and experience to offer me. I welcome that. Don't be afraid or hesitant to approach me with an insight or a good piece of advice that I can integrate into my life. It's a two-way street now and I'm still learning, you know.

Thanks for listening.

I have a feeling that the fun may just be starting.

Love,

Dada

Author Biography:
Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, C.S.W. is a noted psychotherapist, in private practice in Brooklyn, N.Y. for over 25 years. He is a Senior Lecturer and the Creative Director of Aish Hatorah's Discovery Productions.

He is also an editor and author for the Artscroll Publishing Series' and a member of the Kollel of Yeshiva Torah Vodaath.

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious! - Life in the 80s

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways.

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ' s usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders', 'Pac Man' and 'Asteroids' your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!
And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

And we didn't have microwaves; if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a freaking fire. Imagine that!

If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,

The over 30 Crowd

(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile, whether they are under 30 or not.)

Gentle Thoughts for Today - more funny sayings

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement!

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf