Red Hat Society Girls

Last night, my Red Hat Society friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!

"Good Old Red Hat Girls"

Best Buy Store and my Sirius satellite radio part 2

So the saga I am having with the Best Buy Store and my Sirius satellite radio equipment continues.

Less than 2 years ago when I purchased a brand new Honda Civic I decided to get Sirius Satellite radio installed by Best Buy in the car and get a kit where I can use the radio in my house as well. I then decided to further indulge my love for music, news and talk radio by buying a portable boom box so I can bring my satellite radio where ever I go.

As an early supporter of Satellite radio I deiced to buy the lifetime subscription for the Sirius radio at $499 that with tax came to almost $600. Later I was advised that lifetime meant the lifetime of the radio and I could switch radios 3 times at a cost of $75 per switch. Since I was in the electronics businesses and knew the lifetime expectancy of a radio is normally 5 or more years at least I felt confident to buy this Sirius Lifetime Satellite Radio Subscription based upon past experience.

When I purchased all of this equipment from the Best Buy store in Boca Raton Florida since there was so much of an investment riding on the radio that I decided to purchase the 4 year extended warranty that Best Buy offered based upon what the salesperson who sold me the equipment told me.

When I brought my new car home after the installation was done by the Best Buy store in Boca Raton FL I notice huge gouges in my dashboard so I took the car back right away. The installation department wrote up a report and told me that they would order the part from Honda and replace it right away.

Weeks passed and numerous phone calls were made by me to the Best Buy Store in Boca Raton Florida. No parts were ever order and nothing was being done. After numerous trips to the stare they told me that it had to go through their corporate office and I had to bring the car back down again and they took pictures with a Polaroid (they had no more film) to submit with the report. They sent someone out to buy more film – kind of ridiculous since they sell digital cameras.

Almost a week later I was told by their insurance department I had to go out and get estimates of the damage which I got at my time and expense and killed a day when I got the repair done. Total time to fix the dashboard – 9 weeks.

No sooner was the dashboard fixed when the Sirius replay radio started to develop problems.

The Birds and the Bees - Jokes

A father asked his 13-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," he said, bursting into tears "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech.

At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech.

If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.

George Bush Juniors clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never Moved, indicating that she never told a lie".

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's George Bush Juniors clock?" asked the man.

"George Bush Juniors clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

My parents drugged me

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question.

Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburrs out of dad's fields.

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if some of today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.

Father O'Malley - joke

An Irish Priest In Wyoming Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Wyoming mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good
morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Joseph's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of ! kin."

Three little ducks - joke

Three little ducks go into a Bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes "My name is Puddles."

The Rabbi - joke

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned".
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

Magic Beer - joke

A woman meets an attractive man in a bar and asks him what he is drinking.

'Magic Beer,' he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, 'That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?'

'Yes, I'll show you.'

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: 'I bet you can't do that again.'

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, 'Give her one of what I'm having.'

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, 'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.'

Goodmorning from Miss Dorcas! - Scam spam

(sent from dorcasndem00@yahoo.fr)

Goodmorning,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I am Miss Dorcas Ndem, the only Daugther of late Mr. and Mrs. Peter Ndem My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan,the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father was poisoned to dearthby his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip.

My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on November 2002 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of Ten million, five hundred thousand united state dollars (USD.10,500,000) depsited in one of the Security Finance Company herein Abidjan ,that he used my name as his only Daugther for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund as faily valuables.

He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates. That I should seek for a look foreign partner in a country of my choice who will assist me for investment purpose.

I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

(1) To stand as my late father's foreign partner before the security company.

(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 18 years.

(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit in your country.

Moreover, I am willing to offer you 20% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful clearing of the fund from the security company.

Furthermore, Please indicate your interest for Ibelieve that this transaction would be concluded within fourteen(14) days from the day you signify your interest to assist me.

Anticipating to hear from you soon.

Thanks and God bless

Best regards,
Miss Dorcas Ndem.

Baby Name - joke

A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news, however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him, of course, to marry a nice Jewish girl.

When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning him.

After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air.

Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."

Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world."

"That's great, Mom," replies the son.

"And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"

The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"