A Mastercard Wedding - A Funny Wedding Story Joke

You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodation in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

A MasterCard Wedding

An Afghan Taliban Figher in the Desert, a Jew and a Tie Joke

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie...I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you want...Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he staggered back, almost dead, and said:
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie...”

Lawyer/Attorney Accident Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer "My Rolex!"

Childbirth and Baby with a 65 Year Old Mom– Funny Mother Joke

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth and be a mom.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!

Once Again Thanks For Contributing To Our Financial Success!!! - scam spam email

Subject: Once Again Thanks For Contributing To Our Financial Success!!! -
Sent Via Email Address: info@allianceglobal.com
Sent by: Alliance Global Lottery
Determination: scam spam email

Alliance Global Lottery
PROMOTIONS DEPARTMENT UK.
REF:MICRO-ALLIANCE/315116127/27
BATCH No:15/623/UK.
Registered Lottery No: 220949.

We hereby announce the official notification of the results of the Alliance Global Lottery Financial Promotions held this Month in which your e-mail address emerged winner.Your e-mail address attached to ticket number 883734657492-5319 with serial number 7263-267, batch number 8254297137,lottery ref number 7336065782 and drew lucky numbers 14-22-28-37-40-44 which consequently won you the cash prize in the 1st category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of ?750,000.00 (i.e Seven Hundred And Fifty Thousand United Kingdom Pounds).Please note that this Promotional Program tagged "Thanks for contributing to our financial Success" was sponsored and organized by the Alliance Global Lottery Corporation in view of the Financial benefits Alliance Global have received from its numerous customers either through adverts, hosting and personal emails.

The reason this lottery was organized is to thank the numerous public including users and non-users of INTERNET for the financial benefits THE Alliance Global CORPORATION have received as a result of their Patronage last Year.This Lottery is approved and licensed by the International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This lottery is the first of its kind organized by Alliance Global Lottery

In view of this, your seven hundred and fifty thousand United Kingdom Pounds (??750,000.00) would be released to you by the claims office here in UK. The reason this lottery was organized is to thank the numerous public including users and non-users of YAHOO! MAIL for the financial benefits THE Alliance Global Lottery CORPORATION have received as a result of their Patronage last Year.


For processing and remittance of your winnings, Beneficiaries who have previously received this notification letter are advised to once again contact their assigned Remittance Director with his new email address below;

Contact Info:
Mr.James Lamb
Yahoo Office
Remittance Director
Alliance Global Lottery Promotions Unit.
44 Moor fields London EC2Y 9AL UNITED KINGDOM
Email: www.nbnyc-online@w.cn

APPLICATION FOR PRIZE CLAIM
(Receipt Official Notification Letter)

FULL NAMES................................
CONTACT ADDRESS......................
COUNTRY....................................
SEX:...........................................
AGE............................................
MARITAL STATUS.........................
OCCUPATION..............................
NATIONALITY.............................
TELEPHONE NUMBER....................
HAVE YOU A PASSPORT OR LICENSE(Proof Of Identity):
BATCH NUMBER. ........................
REFERENCE NUMBER...................

Once Again Thanks For Contributing To Our Financial Success!!!

Yours Sincerely,
Steve Ballmer
Chief Executive Officer
Alliance Global Lottery Corporation

Great Benefits: Scam Spam Email

Sunbject: --Great Benefits--
Sent by Email: Phillips
Sent Via Email: maury@pocos-net.com.br

Hello

My name is Bill Phillips, Attorney at law. I have a client with intical surnames as you, recently deceased, who has left behind a huge financial asset.

I have been given an ultimatum from the bank to provide them with a surviving family member, but have not had any success after several attempts in contacting his embassy.

I would like to present you as a surviving family member which would allow you to claim the funds left behind by my client. If you are interested, please contact me with your full name and a valid phone number.

Kind Regards,
Bill Phillips

The Health Hazards and Dangers of Ice

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Please warn all your friends.

Stir up your libido - spam for counterfeit or worthless drugs

Subject: Stir up your libido
Sent by: Margarito Bryan
Sent Via Email Address: atr@buffy.tpgi.com.au
Determination: Spam email and most likely is counterfeit or worthless drugs

Are you able to maintain normal erection enough for a night of sex? I’ll tell you the secret!

Dear (harvested email contact),

Even if your sex life is already rich and fulfilling... Imagine you had a little more energy... if your erections stayed harder... or you could go just a little longer...
Or maybe you worry, when you climb under the covers, that you’re starting something you can’t finish?
Well, now advancements in natural medicine are making it easier than ever to promote a strong libido, firm, natural erections and enhanced desire.

Now thanks to this exciting natural breakthrough, you could get an erection "on demand" and when you do, sustain it long enough – and keep firm enough — to fully satisfy your wife in bed. Even if you’re in your 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s or older!

As a doctor, I’ve learned something over the years that may surprise you — age has very little to do with sex. There are men out there having the best sex of their lives well into their 80th year and beyond.

And those men have three key things in common that their sex starved friends don’t:
Hard, recurring erections...
Heightened desire and stamina...
And a reproductive system that could be functioning at the top of its game...

Lucky? You bet.

But you too could give your body the nutrients it needs to support your entire sexual health.

Slightly reduced level of male hormone testosterone can cause erectile dysfunction in men!

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Organo Claude medical treatment in Qatar scam spam email

Email sent by: Organo Claude
Sent Via Email: kedokteran@ums.ac.id
Subject: H
Determination: Scam, spam, email

Dear Friend,

I am Organo Claude now undergoing medical treatment in Qatar; I worked with the British Oil and gas Corporation in East London for over a decade I was married for fifteen years without a child while we lived in the uk.My wife died after a brief illness that lasted for two weeks in london, I vowed to use my wealth for the down trodden and the less privileged in the society.Since the doctor's has confirmed my situation that I will not live that long I have decided to give out my money to the Poor. Deposited the sum of 62 Million GBP (sixty two Million Great British Pounds Sterling) with my Bank which is in a fixed deposit, Presently this money is still there. Recently, my Doctor's told me that I would not last 17 days due to cancer problem.Though what disturbs me most is my stroke, having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to an individual or better still a God fearing person who will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in.

I want an individual that will use this to fund and provide succor to the poor and indigent persons, orphanages, and above all those affected in the Tsunami in far Asia and the Hurricane Katrina Disasters. I understand that blessed is the hand that giveth, I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my relatives are not inclined to helping poor people and I do not want my hard earned money to be misused or spent in the manner that I would not like, and I also do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. Hence the reason for taking this bold decision, I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Almighty. I do not need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health, and because of the presence of my relatives always around me, I do not want them to know about this new development at this point I regard this as been confidential.

Thank you and May the almighty God bless you till i hear form you.

Regards,
Organo Claude.

Twenty Dollars – Sex Joke

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked or $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he would be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he had been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'if I’d had any idea what you were doing, i would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Amazingly simple home remedies:

Everyone will love these practical and simple home remedies

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers , simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

URGENT PLEASE- scam spam email

Subject: URGENT PLEASE

Sent By: Dr Godwin Ben.

Sent Via Email: officefile12357@cantv.net

Determination Scam spam email.

Attention Please,

Please if you really want your fund to be pick up to you without delay, Kindly go and send only $67.00 because there is no time to delay regarding the transfer of this your Fund, it is good to be good, the lord said that many are called but few are chosen, do listing to anything that I told you because it must surely come to happen, Are you ready to pick up this $6000.00 sent today.

We have concluded to effect your payment through western union$6000.00 daily until the sum $800.000.00 is completely transferred. Meanwhile, I am Dr Godwin Ben. Has western union $6000.00 in your name today. So contact US Western union Agent to pick up this $6000 now: Contact person :( Dr Godwin Ben) .TEL: +229-99473544 E-mail: (westernuiontrs@w.cn )

You should be wondering why am telling you all this, and I pray that ,By the name of Jesus Christ, you should get what ever things you want and God shall supply all your need as stated by his riches in glory through Christ Jesus «Philippines 4 Vs 19, please go ahead to send the money $67.00 only, it is only this $67.00 hold your fund to be set free to you in your country, because I have make all the necessary arrangement to set free your fund total $800,000.00usd to you, I can not deceive you at all because of $67.00 but am only telling you the truth because my Bible say that I am the truth and the life and also "he emphasis that only truth can save, that is the reason why I keep on telling you to go and send the money and receive your fund,

Here is the payment information which you will use to send the $67.00 immediately below is.

Receive Name: Abraham Obioma
Country: Benin Republic
City: Cotonou,
Text Q: How Long?
Answer: 3Hours.
Amount: $67.00
Senders Name:.....
MTCN Number:………

Do not worry about, everything is getting to be OK! .We are waiting to receive the information as soon as possible. Yours in service

Best Regards And God Bless.

Dr Godwin Ben.
Federal western union Federal republic of Benin