Jewish humor – great jokes

THINGS THEY DIDN'T TEACH IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

8. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.

9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.

14. WASPs leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.

15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.

18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.

2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.

"Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.

"What are my choices?," Moshe asked."Yes, or no," she replied.

9. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name . . . and forgot to write a letter.

10. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."

The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."

The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently,

"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

And one final favorite:

11. A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"

Jewish English now dubbed Hebronics

The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture.

According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns,as well as Yiddish.

Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.

Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?' "

Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or scepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebronic response: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebronic response: "I should be so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebronic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebronic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations!"
Hebronic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebronic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: "Happy birthday."
Hebronic response: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "It's a beautiful day."
English answer: "Sure is."
Hebronic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
Hebronic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"

Jewish Yiddish Proverbs

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living - Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks - Yiddish Proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth - Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right - Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones - Yiddish Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world - Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two - Yiddish Proverb

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." - Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself - Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction - Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving - Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them - Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails - Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become Immortal through not dying - Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge - Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them - Albert Einstein

Jemish Pregnancy - joke.

An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account.

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

Very calmly at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again, right?"

A little old jewish lady... A Tale of Two Garbage Bags

A Tale of Two Garbage Bags

A little old Jewish lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.'

' Vell, you don't say!' says the little old lady.....'I'd best be going back and see if I can still find the ones that I lost.... Thanks for the warning officer!

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? 'Did you steal it?'

'Oy, no', says the little old lady. You see, my backyard backs up to the lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in my bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his schwantz through the bushes, so,I tell them- '$20 or off it comes!'

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'OK, well good luck, then! By the way,what's in the other bag?'

'Vell,' says the little old lady, 'I'll tell you........some of those schmucks think I'm bluffing..

A Girl with an Apple - World War II story

August 1942. Piotrkow, Poland. The sky was gloomy that morning as we waited anxiously. All the men, women and children of Piotrkow's Jewish ghetto had been herded into a square. Word had gotten around that we were being moved. My father had only recently died from typhus, which had run rampant through the crowded ghetto. My greatest fear was that our family would be separated.

"Whatever you do," Isidore, my eldest brother, whispered to me, "don't tell them your age.. Say you're sixteen." I was tall for a boy of 11, so I could pull it off. That way I might be deemed valuable as a worker. An SS man approached me, boots clicking against the cobblestones. He looked me up and down, then asked my age. "Sixteen," I said. He directed me to the left, where my three brothers and other healthy young men already stood.

My mother was motioned to the right with the other women, children, sick and elderly people. I whispered to Isidore, "Why?" He didn't answer. I ran to Mama's side and said I wanted to stay with her. "No," she said sternly. "Get away. Don't be a nuisance. Go with your brothers." She had never spoken so harshly before. But I understood: She was protecting me. She loved me so much that, just this once, she pretended not to. It was the last I ever saw of her.

My brothers and I were transported in a cattle car to Germany. We arrived at the Buchenwald concentration camp one night weeks later and were led into a crowded barrack. The next day, we were issued uniforms and identification numbers.

"Don't call me Herman anymore." I said to my brothers. "Call me 94983."

I was put to work in the camp's crematorium, loading the dead into a hand-cranked elevator. I, too, felt dead. Hardened, I had become a number. Soon, my brothers and I were sent to Schlieben, one of Buchenwald's sub-camps near Berlin.

One morning I thought I heard my mother's voice, "Son," she said softly but clearly, I am going to send you an angel." Then I woke up. Just a dream. A beautiful dream. But in this place there could be no angels. There was only work. And hunger. And fear..

A couple of days later, I was walking around the camp, around the barracks, near the barbed-wire fence where the guards could not easily see. I was alone. On the other side of the fence, I spotted someone: a little girl with light, almost luminous curls. She was half-hidden behind a birch tree. I glanced around to make sure no one saw me. I called to her softly in German.

"Do you have something to eat?" She didn't understand. I inched closer to the fence and repeated question in Polish. She stepped forward. I was thin and gaunt, with rags wrapped around my feet, but the girl looked unafraid. In her eyes, I saw life. She pulled an apple from her woolen jacket and threw it over the fence. I grabbed the fruit and, as I started to run away, I heard her say faintly, "I'll see you tomorrow."

I returned to the same spot by the fence at the same time every day. She was always there with something for me to eat - a hunk of bread or, better yet, an apple. We didn't dare speak or linger. To be caught would mean death for us both. I didn't know anything about her, just a kind farm girl, except that she understood Polish. What was her name? Why was she risking her life for me? Hope was in such short supply, and this girl on the other side of the fence gave me some, as nourishing in its way as the bread and apples.

Nearly seven months later, my brothers and I were crammed into a coal car and shipped to Theresienstadt camp in Czechoslovakia. "Don't return," I told the girl that day. "We're leaving." I turned toward the barracks and didn't look back, didn't even say good-bye to the little girl whose name I'd never learned, the girl with the apples.

We were in Theresienstadt for three months. The war was winding down and Allied forces were closing in, yet my fate seemed sealed. On May 10, 1945, I was scheduled to die in the gas chamber at 10:00 AM. In the quiet of dawn, I tried to prepare myself. So many times death seemed ready to claim me, but somehow I'd survived.. Now, it was over. I thought of my parents. At least, I thought, we will be reunited.

But at 8 A.M. there was a commotion. I heard shouts, and saw people running every which way through camp. I caught up with my brothers. Russian troops had liberated the camp! The gates swung open. Everyone was running, so I did too.

Amazingly, all of my brothers had survived; I'm not sure how. But I knew that the girl with the apples had been the key to my survival. In a place where evil seemed triumphant, one person's goodness had saved my life, had given me hope in a place where there was none. My mother had promised to send me an angel, and the angel had come.

Eventually I made my way to England where I was sponsored by a Jewish charity, put up in a hostel with other boys who had survived the Holocaust and trained in electronics. Then I came to America, where my brother Sam had already moved. I served in the U. S. Army during the Korean War, and returned to New York City after two years. By August 1957 I'd opened my own electronics repair shop. I was starting to settle in.

One day, my friend Sid who I knew from England called me. "I've got a date. She's got a Polish friend. Let's double date."

A blind date? Nah, that wasn't for me. But Sid kept pestering me, and a few days later we headed up to the Bronx to pick up his date and her friend Roma. I had to admit, for a blind date this wasn't so bad. Roma was a nurse at a Bronx hospital. She was kind and smart. Beautiful, too, with swirling brown curls and green, almond-shaped eyes that sparkled with life.

The four of us drove out to Coney Island. Roma was easy to talk to, easy to be with. Turned out she was wary of blind dates too! We were both just doing our friends a favor. We took a stroll on the boardwalk, enjoying the salty Atlantic breeze, and then had dinner by the shore. I couldn't remember having a better time.

We piled back into Sid's car, Roma and I sharing the backseat. As European Jews who had survived the war, we were aware that much had been left unsaid between us. She broached the subject, "Where were you," she asked softly, "during the war?"

"The camps," I said, the terrible memories still vivid, the irreparable loss. I had tried to forget. But you can never forget.

She nodded. "My family was hiding on a farm in Germany, not far from Berlin," she told me. "My father knew a priest, and he got us Aryan papers." I imagined how she must have suffered too, fear, a constant companion. And yet here we were, both survivors, in a new world.

"There was a camp next to the farm." Roma continued. "I saw a boy there and I would throw him apples every day."

What an amazing coincidence that she had helped some other boy. "What did he look like? I asked. He was tall, skinny, and hungry. I must have seen him every day for six months."

My heart was racing. I couldn't believe it. This couldn't be. "Did he tell you one day not to come back because he was leaving Schlieben?"

Roma looked at me in amazement. "Yes," That was me! " I was ready to burst with joy and awe, flooded with emotions. I couldn't believe it! My
angel.

"I'm not letting you go." I said to Roma. And in the back of the car on that blind date, I proposed to her. I didn't want to wait.

"You're crazy!" she said. But she invited me to meet her parents for Shabbat dinner the following week. There was so much I looked forward to learning about Roma, but the most important things I always knew: her steadfastness, her goodness. For many months, in the worst of circumstances,she had come to the fence and given me hope. Now that I'd found her again, I could never let her go.

That day, she said yes. And I kept my word. After nearly 50 years of marriage, two children and three grandchildren I have never let her go.

Herman Rosenblat, Miami Beach, Florida

This is a true story and you can find out more by Googling Herman Rosenblat as he was Bar Mitzvahed at age 75. This story is being made into a movie called The Fence.

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Yiddish Humor

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

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You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are some examples:


There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.


A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."


I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!


What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"


Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.


We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.


The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"


Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"


A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor answers "That's what puzzles me!"


Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"


A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."


A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"


Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.


Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.


I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.


The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.


Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.


Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."


Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.


Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."


Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.


Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days!"
"Force yourself," she replied.



Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Sayings of a Jewish Buddhist

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life;
With the first sip, joy;
With the second sip, satisfaction;
With the third sip, peace;
With the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
You never called,
You never wrote,
You never visited.
And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no self.
So maybe we're off the hook.