The beer investment - joke

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00 cash. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Americans drink approximately 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American !

Retirement - joke

I've often been asked, 'What do you folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds,
and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it too!!

Oil Change instructions

Oil Change instructions for Women
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change..
2. Drink a cup of coffee
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:

Oil Change: $ 29.00
Coffee: $ 1.00
Total: $ 30.00

=======================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine..
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench..
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $ 50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $ 75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $ 20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...AND TO MEN WHO YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

The Buffalo Theory - joke from Cheers

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy, Norm.

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.


'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

2007 and 2008

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best wishes, chain letters, angel letters
or other promises of good luck if I forwarded the email, well...NONE OF THAT CRAP WORKED!

So for 2008, could you please just send money, beer, porn, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead?

Thanks a lot!

Funny Signs

Friends don't let friends Take home ugly men

Beauty is only a light switch away.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

Fighting for peace is like Screwing for virginity.

No matter how good she looks, Some other guy is sick and tired Of putting up with her shit.

At the feast of ego Everyone leaves hungry.

It's hard to make a comeback When you haven't been anywhere.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

If voting could really change things, It would be illegal.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Sign over a urinal: Express Lane = Five beers or less

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, You're going to have trouble with it

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Whew! Thank God I found five friends to send this to.