Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health day!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Guessing a Woman's Age - joke
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds'.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds'.
Record High Jump From A Kneeling Position
Record High Jump From A Kneeling Position
A new world's record in the high jump from a kneeling position
Was set last week at a beach in southern France. The picture below was taken just three seconds before the jump took place!
A new world's record in the high jump from a kneeling position
Was set last week at a beach in southern France. The picture below was taken just three seconds before the jump took place!
Men & Women Designer Footwear from Chanel Gucci Prada Dior Versace - spam
Subject: Men & Women Designer Footwear from Chanel Gucci Prada Dior Versace
Sent by: Althea Sims
Sent Via Email: vtlyl@bostongreen.com
They say first impressions are everything...Make sure you stand your ground when walking around, simply by walking hard in Top Brand Name Designer Footwear.
Forget department store prices, Enjoy DIRECT PRICING at more than 65% OFF on a wide variety of 2008 Collections from Versace, Prada, Chanel, Dior & More. We also carry TOP BRANDS such as Uggs, Gucci, Dsquared, D&G, Bally, Coach and much more.
Find Loafers, Boots, High Heels, Sneakers and Casual Shoes from Brand Names at less than WHOLESALE prices.
Selection is available for Women and Men, Shipping is FREE WorldWide, Trendy Fashion Footwear Sale of the YEAR!
Forget Department Store Prices, Buy Designer Shoes Direct
Visit Today! http://www.whoshoesyou.com/
Information on these Chinese spammers:
Registrant:
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
410214
Administrative Contact:
Liang
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
wu han Beijing 410214
CN
tel: 101 2345678
fax: 101 2345678
cncliup@21cn.com
Technical Contact:
Liang
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
wu han Beijing 410214
CN
tel: 2345678
fax: 2345678
cncliup@21cn.com
Billing Contact:
Liang
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
wu han Beijing 410214
CN
tel: 2345678
fax: 2345678
cncliup@21cn.com
Registration Date: 2008-03-20
Update Date: 2008-03-23
Sent by: Althea Sims
Sent Via Email: vtlyl@bostongreen.com
They say first impressions are everything...Make sure you stand your ground when walking around, simply by walking hard in Top Brand Name Designer Footwear.
Forget department store prices, Enjoy DIRECT PRICING at more than 65% OFF on a wide variety of 2008 Collections from Versace, Prada, Chanel, Dior & More. We also carry TOP BRANDS such as Uggs, Gucci, Dsquared, D&G, Bally, Coach and much more.
Find Loafers, Boots, High Heels, Sneakers and Casual Shoes from Brand Names at less than WHOLESALE prices.
Selection is available for Women and Men, Shipping is FREE WorldWide, Trendy Fashion Footwear Sale of the YEAR!
Forget Department Store Prices, Buy Designer Shoes Direct
Visit Today! http://www.whoshoesyou.com/
Information on these Chinese spammers:
Registrant:
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
410214
Administrative Contact:
Liang
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
wu han Beijing 410214
CN
tel: 101 2345678
fax: 101 2345678
cncliup@21cn.com
Technical Contact:
Liang
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
wu han Beijing 410214
CN
tel: 2345678
fax: 2345678
cncliup@21cn.com
Billing Contact:
Liang
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
wu han Beijing 410214
CN
tel: 2345678
fax: 2345678
cncliup@21cn.com
Registration Date: 2008-03-20
Update Date: 2008-03-23
Men and Women FREE INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING on Gucci Prada Dior D&G Dsquared Shoes Heels Ugg Boots - spam
Subject: Men and Women FREE INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING on Gucci Prada Dior D&G Dsquared Shoes Heels Ugg Boots
Sent BY: had osborne
Sent Via Email: ppfdonaldrh@ncweb.com
Hey Ladies and Gentlemen
Take advantage, April Spring Collection sale is WILD at The House of Designer Shoes!
Choose from a Wide Variety of Fashion's top brand names such as Dsquared, D&G, Prada Gucci Chanel, Available for Male and Female, Ladies and Gentlemen Christian Dior and More..
Summer Sandals, High Heels, Shoes and MORE Casual Designer Footwear.
Forget Old Fashion Department Store Prices, Save NOW!
Visit - www.shoesdeal57.com Don't Enter if you don't like saving money! (don't enter unless you like supporting spammers!)
Prestige Watches Group LTD 32 route de Glion CH 1910 Montreux Switzerland
Prestige Watches USA - 556 South 3rd Street - Memphis - Tennessee - 38101 - United States
Sent BY: had osborne
Sent Via Email: ppfdonaldrh@ncweb.com
Hey Ladies and Gentlemen
Take advantage, April Spring Collection sale is WILD at The House of Designer Shoes!
Choose from a Wide Variety of Fashion's top brand names such as Dsquared, D&G, Prada Gucci Chanel, Available for Male and Female, Ladies and Gentlemen Christian Dior and More..
Summer Sandals, High Heels, Shoes and MORE Casual Designer Footwear.
Forget Old Fashion Department Store Prices, Save NOW!
Visit - www.shoesdeal57.com Don't Enter if you don't like saving money! (don't enter unless you like supporting spammers!)
Prestige Watches Group LTD 32 route de Glion CH 1910 Montreux Switzerland
Prestige Watches USA - 556 South 3rd Street - Memphis - Tennessee - 38101 - United States
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Fifty Years of Math 1958 - 2008 - joke
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950's:
1. Teaching Math In 1950's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20%
5. Teaching Math In 1990's
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950's:
1. Teaching Math In 1950's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20%
5. Teaching Math In 1990's
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Spam from Cattledriver LLC: William (Bill) Hicks
Warning do not do business with spammers such as Cattledriver LLC. The only way to stop spam - unsolicited commercial emails - is to not do business with companies who market this way.
This pathetic spam was sent to a harvested email address of a SEO Company! By harvested
I am trying to contact (name removed)
Anyway I specialize in getting sites
listed at the top of Google in organic listings.
Since you already do some type of advertising in LookSmart, I know you need to get more placement in Google. I was wondering if you could get back with me as soon as possible.
I look forward to working with (web site removed).
In today's Internet Economy everything is about performance. I know I can help drive traffic to (web site removed) and lots of it.
After the first month, it is only $300 month.
That's all there is to it.
I hope that sounds good to you.
I look forward to hearing some kind of response.
http://www.cattle-drive.net
1-888-359-5553
Please get back with me at your earliest convience (Buddy - next time use spell check before you send out unwanted email!) - or you can email me here http://www.cattle-drive.net
Thanks,
JB
1-888-359-5553
(If we emailed you by mistake and you would like to be taken off please go to the url.)
http://www.direct-launch.com
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
This Cattle Drive company poorly formats emails, has spelling errors in his bulk unsolicited spam emails and has the following HTML errors on his index page alone that could easily have been picked up if the site was checked:
line 1 column 1 - Warning: missing declaration
line 140 column 91 - Warning: discarding unexpected /a
line 147 column 76 - Warning: img unexpected or duplicate quote mark
line 148 column 7 - Warning: font dropping value "arial" for repeated attribute "face"
line 14 column 1 - Warning: script inserting "type" attribute
line 22 column 1 - Warning: script inserting "type" attribute
line 46 column 1 - Warning: script inserting "type" attribute
line 60 column 9 - Warning: table proprietary attribute "bordercolor"
I ask you, would you get a manicure from a manicurists with broken dirty nails?
Would you use an optometrist who can not read an eye chart himself because his glasses are the wrong prescription?
Information about this spammers domain:
Registrant:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net
Registrar Name....: REGISTER.COM, INC.
Registrar Whois...: whois.register.com
Registrar Homepage: www.register.com
Domain Name: cattle-drive.net
Created on..............: Thu, Mar 13, 2008
Expires on..............: Fri, Mar 13, 2009
Record last updated on..: Thu, Mar 13, 2008
Administrative Contact:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Phone: +1.9545681621
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net
Technical Contact:
Registercom
Domain Registrar
575 8th Avenue
New York, NY 10018
US
Phone: +1.9027492701
Email: domainregistrar@register.com
DNS Servers:
dns222.c.register.com
dns249.d.register.com
dns025.b.register.com
dns174.a.register.com
And information about the domain www.direct-launch.com
Registrant:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net
Registrar Name....: REGISTER.COM, INC.
Registrar Whois...: whois.register.com
Registrar Homepage: www.register.com
Domain Name: direct-launch.com
Created on..............: Thu, Mar 13, 2008
Expires on..............: Fri, Mar 13, 2009
Record last updated on..: Thu, Mar 13, 2008
Administrative Contact:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Phone: +1.9545681621
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net
Technical Contact:
Registercom
Domain Registrar
575 8th Avenue
New York, NY 10018
US
Phone: +1.9027492701
Email: domainregistrar@register.com
DNS Servers:
dns222.c.register.com
dns249.d.register.com
dns025.b.register.com
dns154.a.register.com
Other email address: dave.liscum@cattledriver.com
I wonder if you spam this company if they will like it?
The only way to stop spam - unsolicited commercial emails is to not do business with companies who market this way.
Update May 8th 2008:
More information about Cattle-driver.net alleged spamming activities:
Google Webmaster Help
Name Pros web site
Please do not click on any of the ads on this web site or use any of the services of any companies listed on this web site if you entered this web site on this page or if you searched a company name in order to find this post.
This pathetic spam was sent to a harvested email address of a SEO Company! By harvested
I am trying to contact (name removed)
Anyway I specialize in getting sites
listed at the top of Google in organic listings.
Since you already do some type of advertising in LookSmart, I know you need to get more placement in Google. I was wondering if you could get back with me as soon as possible.
I look forward to working with (web site removed).
In today's Internet Economy everything is about performance. I know I can help drive traffic to (web site removed) and lots of it.
After the first month, it is only $300 month.
That's all there is to it.
I hope that sounds good to you.
I look forward to hearing some kind of response.
http://www.cattle-drive.net
1-888-359-5553
Please get back with me at your earliest convience (Buddy - next time use spell check before you send out unwanted email!) - or you can email me here http://www.cattle-drive.net
Thanks,
JB
1-888-359-5553
(If we emailed you by mistake and you would like to be taken off please go to the url.)
http://www.direct-launch.com
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
This Cattle Drive company poorly formats emails, has spelling errors in his bulk unsolicited spam emails and has the following HTML errors on his index page alone that could easily have been picked up if the site was checked:
line 1 column 1 - Warning: missing declaration
line 140 column 91 - Warning: discarding unexpected /a
line 147 column 76 - Warning: img unexpected or duplicate quote mark
line 148 column 7 - Warning: font dropping value "arial" for repeated attribute "face"
line 14 column 1 - Warning: script inserting "type" attribute
line 22 column 1 - Warning: script inserting "type" attribute
line 46 column 1 - Warning: script inserting "type" attribute
line 60 column 9 - Warning: table proprietary attribute "bordercolor"
I ask you, would you get a manicure from a manicurists with broken dirty nails?
Would you use an optometrist who can not read an eye chart himself because his glasses are the wrong prescription?
Information about this spammers domain:
Registrant:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net
Registrar Name....: REGISTER.COM, INC.
Registrar Whois...: whois.register.com
Registrar Homepage: www.register.com
Domain Name: cattle-drive.net
Created on..............: Thu, Mar 13, 2008
Expires on..............: Fri, Mar 13, 2009
Record last updated on..: Thu, Mar 13, 2008
Administrative Contact:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Phone: +1.9545681621
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net
Technical Contact:
Registercom
Domain Registrar
575 8th Avenue
New York, NY 10018
US
Phone: +1.9027492701
Email: domainregistrar@register.com
DNS Servers:
dns222.c.register.com
dns249.d.register.com
dns025.b.register.com
dns174.a.register.com
And information about the domain www.direct-launch.com
Registrant:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net
Registrar Name....: REGISTER.COM, INC.
Registrar Whois...: whois.register.com
Registrar Homepage: www.register.com
Domain Name: direct-launch.com
Created on..............: Thu, Mar 13, 2008
Expires on..............: Fri, Mar 13, 2009
Record last updated on..: Thu, Mar 13, 2008
Administrative Contact:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Phone: +1.9545681621
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net
Technical Contact:
Registercom
Domain Registrar
575 8th Avenue
New York, NY 10018
US
Phone: +1.9027492701
Email: domainregistrar@register.com
DNS Servers:
dns222.c.register.com
dns249.d.register.com
dns025.b.register.com
dns154.a.register.com
Other email address: dave.liscum@cattledriver.com
I wonder if you spam this company if they will like it?
The only way to stop spam - unsolicited commercial emails is to not do business with companies who market this way.
Update May 8th 2008:
More information about Cattle-driver.net alleged spamming activities:
Google Webmaster Help
Name Pros web site
Please do not click on any of the ads on this web site or use any of the services of any companies listed on this web site if you entered this web site on this page or if you searched a company name in order to find this post.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Your site - Search Engine Optimization Spam Email
(Total spam sent to a harvested email address of a SEO Company)
Sent From: Andrew M. Hendersen
Via Email: andrewh.sps@gmail.com
Subj: Your site
Sent From: Andrew M. Hendersen
Via Email: andrewh.sps@gmail.com
Subj: Your site
We can put you at the top of Yahoo! AND Google today.
Our company now has exclusive technology that can put your website(s) above every other company on all the major search engines. Tired of SEO plans that get you nowhere? Tired of blowing your
budget on pay per click only to lose position immediately? We offer guaranteed results and
promotional pricing that will beat any other program you have used.
If you are interested in getting unlimited traffic and guaranteed positioning with discounted pricing,
contact us today for a "no" obligation quote at: andrewh.sps@gmail.com or simply reply to this
message. Please include the Website(s) you are interested in promoting and the best way to contact
you.
THIS IS NOT PAY PER CLICK. Examples/Demo will be provided.
Sincerely,
Andrew M. Hendersen
(do not ever use spammers or scammers. Use a good company with a good reputation such as http://www.meanseo.com)
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Dog in a car - joke
He pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure his Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and he wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. He walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically Now you stay. Do you hear me?''Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady gave him a strange look and said...
Why don't you just put it in park?
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and he wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. He walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically Now you stay. Do you hear me?''Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady gave him a strange look and said...
Why don't you just put it in park?
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Age and the pretty girl - joke
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Lowes or Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following.
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50’s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
Depending on your age you might do the following.
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50’s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
2007 and 2008
To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best wishes, chain letters, angel letters
or other promises of good luck if I forwarded the email, well...NONE OF THAT CRAP WORKED!
So for 2008, could you please just send money, beer, porn, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead?
Thanks a lot!
or other promises of good luck if I forwarded the email, well...NONE OF THAT CRAP WORKED!
So for 2008, could you please just send money, beer, porn, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead?
Thanks a lot!
Note found on the refrigerator one morning - joke
Note found on the refrigerator one morning:
My Darling Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset and I shall be home before midnight.
Roger
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman you will understand that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Sybil
My Darling Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset and I shall be home before midnight.
Roger
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman you will understand that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Sybil
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