Underwear Change - joke

There's an old sea story in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his Marines in the field, and afterward told the "Gunny" that the men smelled bad.

The Lieutenant suggested the solution would be to change their underwear. So the Gunny responded, "Aye aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Gunny went straight to the squad. "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowsky, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!"

THE MORAL: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but it doesn't necessarily mean things will smell any better.

Military Adages Wisdom - From the Military Manual

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine corps Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once."
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil, For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
------------ -------- --------- ---------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
------------ --------- --------- ----------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; We never left one up there!"
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

The Italian Secret for a Long Marriage - joke

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!

The Priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'

Great Quote Part 4

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness...But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

Cost Effective Web Design Services – spam for Indian scam web design

Spam Email sent by: Suresh
Spam Email Sent via Email Address: professionalwebdesign.seo@gmail.com
Spam Email Subject: Cost Effective Web Design Services
Spam Email Determination: Scam, Spam, untrustworthy company to do business with

Love this type of SEO spam!

First of all it was sent to a email address of one of the best Search Engine Optimization and Search Engine Marketing companies via an unpublished and private email address making it spam.

Second it is from an Indian company where notoriously web site and domain names are hijacked after legitimate US companies use their service.

More often that not scam companies such as this who provide search engine optimized content are selling you content that is stolen from other web sites (just happened again to one of ours) putting the company that uses their service at great risk of legal action, and of course being banned by the search engines.

Third as usual these scammers won't give a company name or web site - a sure sign of scammers and spammers. These SEO scammers from India are hiding behind a GMAIL account professionalwebdesign.seo@gmail.com which they will dispose of one it stats getting flagged for being a scammer.

We are also notice a huge increase in scam SEO Search Engine Optimization companies from Columbia. Very simply don't deal with companies out of the reach of US laws when it comes to your web site.

The lesson? Use top rated American SEO Companies!

Dear Sir \ Madam,

We are an INDIA based Web Services company with primary focus on

Website Designing & Development (ASP, ASP.Net, Java ,Perl and PHP
development)

We have a dedicated team of 80 professional designers, developers and SEO's, specially for Graphic/Flash/3D designing. With Graphic/Flash/3D designs, we thrive on the idea that design makes a difference. We can provide you with a fresh, professional image via a recognizable trademark or logo design.

We have our competency in CMS (Joomla, Modx, Mambo and other quality Content Management System) and e-commerce websites.

We customize our processes and reports based on client's styles and guidelines. We NEVER contact your end client in case if you are an agency client and sign up the NDAs with you.

Regarding Search Engine Marketing we have achieved some wonderful results for our more than 240 clients based in the USA, UK, Canada and Australia.

We work strictly on a performance basis and can assure you of getting quality work.

We wish you the best for you and your company.

If you have any query, we will be more than happy to provide you with our expert assistance.

Kind regards,

Suresh

P. S. This is an advertisement and a promotional mail strictly on the guidelines of CAN-SPAM act of 2003 . We have clearly mentioned the source mail-id of this mail, also clearly mentioned the subject lines and they are in no way misleading in any form. We have found your mail address through our own efforts on the web search and not through any illegal way. If you find this mail unsolicited, please reply with "Remove" in the subject line and we will take care that you do not receive any further promotional mail.

Don't you love the phoney can spam act statement at the end?

They walk amongst us: Millionaire Contestant Makes Worst Use of Lifelines Ever

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. '

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.' Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'

'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,’ said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to- live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

Caution...they walk among us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

...They walk amongst us!


*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....' Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where? '

…They walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff’

…They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

…They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

…They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

…They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...(I work with professionals like this.)

…They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

…Yep, They walk among us and sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!

I Think You're The Father Of One Of My Kids...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than 'going blind!')

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for these tests?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (Did our government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be on Guam!!

Difference between http and https

Don't know how many are aware of this difference, but worth sending to any that do not...... What is the difference between http and https.

Maybe you already knew this, but I thought it was important enough to send even if you already know.

I didn't know this.

FIRST, MANY PEOPLE ARE UNAWARE OF **The main difference between http:// and https:// is It's all about keeping you secure** HTTP stands for Hyper Text Transport Protocol,

Which is just a fancy way of saying it's a protocol (a language, in a manner of speaking) For information to be passed back and forth between web servers and clients. The important thing is the letter S which makes the difference between HTTP and HTTPS.

The S (big surprise) stands for "Secure". If you visit a website or webpage, and look at the address in the web browser, it will likely begin with the following: http://.

This means that the website is talking to your browser using the regular 'unsecure' language. In other words, it is possible for someone to "eavesdrop" on your computer's conversation with the website. If you fill out a form on the website, someone might see the information you send to that site.

This is why you never ever enter your credit card number in an http website! But if the web address begins with https://, that basically means your computer is talking to the website in a secure code that no one can eavesdrop on.

You understand why this is so important, right?

If a website ever asks you to enter your credit card information, you should automatically look to see if the web address begins with https://.

If it doesn't, there's no way you're going to enter sensitive information like a credit card number.

My nightmare of being a victim of credit card fraud.

Imagine my shock today when one of my credit cards was declined! I was way under my limit and I never pay my bills late and yet – I couldn’t pay for my propane with this worthless piece of plastic.

I called my credit card company and after waiting on hold for more than 1/2 hour I learned my account was closed due to massive fraudulent activities overseas. I hung up the phone in shock.

How could this happen to me? I shred or burn personal papers, I lock down everything personal, I have no less than 4 virus programs and 5 spyware programs running on all of my computers at all times, I scan everything carefully before I open it. How could this happen TO ME?

Since this is a card that I have never used online – I barely use it at all; my accounting program in my computer must have been hacked! Damage control – what do I do!

I gathered all of my account information and started calling banks, brokerage houses and credit cards telling my tales of woe changing accounts and locking everything I could down. Hours and hours wasted and no more fraud found.

All of my personal data is password protected and all of my accounts have different unguessable passwords. What about my other data on my hard drive? How deep would this identity theft go?

But wait! I don’t have my CIV numbers anywhere but on the credit card itself! I never used this card online so how can so many charges be made? I have to call the credit card company again!

15 minutes on hold and the fraud department tells me that a vendor who I used the card with had a security breach - they were responsible for the loss of data not me! Boy was I relived – although I wasted a day – or did I?

What I did find was recorded instances of my social security number in correspondences saved on my hard drive (now removed) and I put all of my account numbers into my accounting program - they are now all removed.

I also realized that in some cases my identity as the owner of an account was verified with my birth date and mothers maiden name – what a huge – immense security issue!

I have spent the rest of the day changing birth dates on social media sites such as MySpace, Facebook and more to a fictitious date. There is no reason for personal information such as this to be accessible by the world and whatever skivemeisters want to hack me.

How many of you have grandparents online or a family tree somewhere that can be found? How many of you grandparents have your kids online? What about the future?

Why does the clerk at my cellphone company have the right to know my last 4 digits of my social security number along with dozens of other underpaid people? Birth date and last 4 of my social gave me access to all of my other accounts. This is insane!

I have also deleted my profile from many places and will keep doing so until almost all of them are gone. I don’t want more web sites to have my personal information that can be used against me. Though these sites may have good intentions what if they get hacked? Will they pay me for the time it takes to lock down and change all of my clients information and they trust that they will lose in me?

As for friends on social sites: I generally don’t respond to any 3rd party applications (programs that are add-ins) and "causes" - Do you really know who these people are? Are you sure they represent the organization they say they are from and what if they and real and THEY get hacked? I am removing these also as quickly as I can. I suggest anyone who reads this does as well.

We live in a totally connected world and that’s great. I just don’t want to be connected to criminals or cyber-terrorists and neither should you.

Chris H
Owner of MyCrapMail.com and tons of other crappy sites

Stanton Law Office: Paul Stanton ESQ - scam - spam

Yawn. haven't see seen scams like this before coming in a spam? Sure we have hundreds of them! Not the free Gmail account a sure sign of a scam and I be this scam is based out of Nigeria as well. I see a few punctuation and spelling errors in here are well.

Subject: None
From: Stanton Law Office
Email Address: paul.stanton2008@gmail.com

Thetford, 9 City Road
City: Winchester
London England.

Good Day Friend

I am Paul Stanton ESQ.I require your confidentiality and assurance concerning the estate of my late client,Mr Robert(surname witheld) who died in a car crash with his immediate family in East London on the 5th of November 2000 leaving behind an estate valued at Nine Million Eight Hundred Thousand British Pounds Sterling only(9.8 million)with a finance company.

I had to contact you finding that you bear a similar last name with my late client and with your consent, present you to the "trustee" as my late client's family member so as to enable you put up a claim to the bank in that capacity as a next of kin of my client.

Please get in touch with me immediately if you wish to assist me in pursuing this claim.I shall assemble all the necessary documents that will be used to back up the claim.

Contact me via email(pstantonesq@gmail.com)for better confidentiality and send to me your telephone and fax numbers to enable us discuss further on this transaction. If this proposal is acceptable by you, do not take undue advantage of the trust I have bestowed in you,Thanks for your understanding.

Kind Regards.

Paul Stanton ESQ
Soliciting Your Concern

Stop! Your dog is falling off the truck!

A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear life! She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him. A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop in Daphne Alabama!

The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor! And it is not a dog it is a coyote. Can you just imagine how many people try and stop this guy?