Universal Laws of life and how they work

Universal Laws of Life and How They Work

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you will have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine will not work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you do not know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they are ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you do not feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you will feel better. However, do not make an appointment, and you will stay sick.

Different ways of looking at things.

The Aussie trucker and the emu

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' And so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'Sounds great, I'll have the same'. Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.'

Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love’ says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a liter of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a nice big ass and long legs, who agrees with everything I say...

Costco has Everything!

If you don't think Costco has and know everything just read this:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample...

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

"Retarded" Grandparents – cute funny story

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child – a third grader - wrote the following on what his grandparents do:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Ponderisms - Funny Thoughts

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)

3. OK ..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and ' IRS ' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

Texting Codes For Seniors

Since more and more seniors are now texting, tweeting and emailing, there appears to be a need for a standardized STC (Senior Texting Code).

If you qualify for Senior Discounts or know someone who is, this is the code for you:

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't get up

CGIP: Can't get IT up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

PIMP: Pooped in my pants

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTF: What’s The Fish?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

Bexst Buy rips off customers and has worst service

Yet another true story about how best buy rips off and scams customers:

If you purchase something from Wal-Mart, Sears, etc. And you return the item with the receipt, they will give you your money back if you paid cash, or credit your account if paid by plastic.

Well, I purchased a GPS for my car: a Tom Tom XL.S from 'Best Buy'. They have a policy that it must be returned within 14 days for a refund!

So after 4 days I returned it to Best Buy in the original box with all the items in the box, with paper work and cords all wrapped in the plastic. Just as I received it, including the receipt.

I explained to the lady at the return desk I did not like the way it couldn't find store names.

The lady at the best buy refund desk said, there is a 15% restock fee, for items returned. I said no one told me that.

I asked how much would that be. She said it goes by the price of the item.

It will be $45 for you.

I said, all you're going to do is walk over and place it back on the shelf then charge me $45 of my money for restocking? She said that's the store policy.

I said if more people were aware of it they would not buy anything here at Best Buy! If I bought a $2000 computer or TV and returned it I would be charged $300 restock fee? She said yes. 15%.

I said OK, just give me my money minus the restock fee.

She said, since the item is over $200 dollars, she can't give me my money back!

Corporate has to and they will mail you a check in 7 to ten days.! I said 'WHAT?'

It's my money! I paid in cash! I want to buy a different brand. Now I have to wait 7 to 10 days. She said well, our policy is on the back of your receipt.

I said, do you read the front or back of your receipt? She said well, the front! I said so do I. I want to talk to the Manager!

So the Best Buy manager comes over, I explained everything to him, and he said, well, sir they should have told you about the policy when you got the item. I said, no one has ever told me about the check refund or restock fee when I bought items from computers to TVs from Best Buy. The only thing they ever discussed was the worthless extended warranty program.

He said, well, I can give you corporate phone number.

I called Best Buy corporate since i got ripped off. The guy said, well, I'm not supposed to do this but I can give you a 45 dollar gift card and you can use it at Best Buy.

I told him if I bought something and returned it, you would charge me a restock fee on the item and then send me a check for the remaining 3 dollars.

You can keep your Best Buy gift card, I'm never shopping in Best Buy ever again, and if I'd been smart, I would have charged the whole thing on my credit card! Then I would have canceled the transaction.

I would have gotten all my money back including your stupid fees! He didn't say a word!

I informed him that I was going to e-mail my friends and give them a heads-up on the store's policy, as they don't tell you about all the little caveats.

So please pass this on. It may save your friends from having a bad experience of shopping at Best Buy

It's true! Read it for yourself!!

Best Buys return policy

Scammed by rip off vette parts online - vetteparts-online.com

Ripped off by or scammed by vette parts online (also known as vetteparts-online.com)?

Well that duchebag asshole who owns the domain name vetteparts-online.com is forwarding the now defunct vetteparts-online.com domain to our site mycrapmail.com and we have nothing to do with him!

Current information for: vetteparts-online.com

Registrant:
Domain Admin
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33305
United States

Domain Name: VETTEPARTS-ONLINE.COM
Created on: 02-Apr-08
Expires on: 02-Apr-11
Last Updated on: 22-Mar-10

Administrative Contact:
Admin, Domain oceansidehammocks@yahoo.com
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33305
United States
9545372109

Technical Contact:
Admin, Domain oceansidehammocks@yahoo.com
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33305
United States
9545372109

Domain servers in listed order:
NS35.DOMAINCONTROL.COM
NS36.DOMAINCONTROL.COM

So who really is this asshole? It's these guys!The cattle driver seo spammers!

A message friends and others who send me emails.

If I am on anyone list of political emails, get me off. If an email is based in science, business (not political in nature), entertainment, photography, nature, environmental issues, etc, send it to me.

If and email bashes someone, a group of people, or the philosophy, culture or religion of others, keep it out of my email box and our conversations.

I am so tired of the lies and BS, hatred, racism and religious discrimination. Send me crap that falls into this category and you will be blocked forever and I will no longer see anything from you. I don't leave piles of crap on your doorstep, don't leave them on mine.

While some of this country appears to have moved forward, a very nasty under tide is below the surface and it sickens me. I almost prefer to have these prejudicial and racist ideas worn as a badge so I know who to avoid. It's amazing what some people spew online that they wouldn't have the guts to do to people they talk or write about in person.

You don't have to be Christian or even believe in any religion to use the WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) philosophy of how you interact and communicate with others. At least do so with me.

It has come to the point that most every newspaper article I read online if filled with political comments that have nothing to do with the subject at hand.

Feel the same way as I do? Tell others who send this hate filled crap to you and feel free to plagiarize me if not send them a link to this page.

Sorry to rant but I have had enough.

Now go have a nice day. :)

80-year-old lady married for the fourth time

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

The Worst Day Of My Life

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I managed to buy a drink with all the money I had, right down to my last dime, dropped a capsule in it and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you asshole, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Different Ways of Looking At Things

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
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A little boy went up to his father and asked 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother because I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said,

'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and Then I'll try
to send her a few bucks myself.'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two reasons why it is so hard to solve a redneck murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
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While shopping fr vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He is still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'