After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child – a third grader - wrote the following on what his grandparents do:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
"Retarded" Grandparents – cute funny story
Ponderisms - Funny Thoughts
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)
3. OK ..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and ' IRS ' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Texting Codes For Seniors
Since more and more seniors are now texting, tweeting and emailing, there appears to be a need for a standardized STC (Senior Texting Code).
If you qualify for Senior Discounts or know someone who is, this is the code for you:
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CGIP: Can't get IT up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped in my pants
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTF: What’s The Fish?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Bexst Buy rips off customers and has worst service
If you purchase something from Wal-Mart, Sears, etc. And you return the item with the receipt, they will give you your money back if you paid cash, or credit your account if paid by plastic.
Well, I purchased a GPS for my car: a Tom Tom XL.S from 'Best Buy'. They have a policy that it must be returned within 14 days for a refund!
So after 4 days I returned it to Best Buy in the original box with all the items in the box, with paper work and cords all wrapped in the plastic. Just as I received it, including the receipt.
I explained to the lady at the return desk I did not like the way it couldn't find store names.
The lady at the best buy refund desk said, there is a 15% restock fee, for items returned. I said no one told me that.
I asked how much would that be. She said it goes by the price of the item.
It will be $45 for you.
I said, all you're going to do is walk over and place it back on the shelf then charge me $45 of my money for restocking? She said that's the store policy.
I said if more people were aware of it they would not buy anything here at Best Buy! If I bought a $2000 computer or TV and returned it I would be charged $300 restock fee? She said yes. 15%.
I said OK, just give me my money minus the restock fee.
She said, since the item is over $200 dollars, she can't give me my money back!
Corporate has to and they will mail you a check in 7 to ten days.! I said 'WHAT?'
It's my money! I paid in cash! I want to buy a different brand. Now I have to wait 7 to 10 days. She said well, our policy is on the back of your receipt.
I said, do you read the front or back of your receipt? She said well, the front! I said so do I. I want to talk to the Manager!
So the Best Buy manager comes over, I explained everything to him, and he said, well, sir they should have told you about the policy when you got the item. I said, no one has ever told me about the check refund or restock fee when I bought items from computers to TVs from Best Buy. The only thing they ever discussed was the worthless extended warranty program.
He said, well, I can give you corporate phone number.
I called Best Buy corporate since i got ripped off. The guy said, well, I'm not supposed to do this but I can give you a 45 dollar gift card and you can use it at Best Buy.
I told him if I bought something and returned it, you would charge me a restock fee on the item and then send me a check for the remaining 3 dollars.
You can keep your Best Buy gift card, I'm never shopping in Best Buy ever again, and if I'd been smart, I would have charged the whole thing on my credit card! Then I would have canceled the transaction.
I would have gotten all my money back including your stupid fees! He didn't say a word!
I informed him that I was going to e-mail my friends and give them a heads-up on the store's policy, as they don't tell you about all the little caveats.
So please pass this on. It may save your friends from having a bad experience of shopping at Best Buy
It's true! Read it for yourself!!
Best Buys return policy
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Scammed by rip off vette parts online - vetteparts-online.com
Ripped off by or scammed by vette parts online (also known as vetteparts-online.com)?
Well that duchebag asshole who owns the domain name vetteparts-online.com is forwarding the now defunct vetteparts-online.com domain to our site mycrapmail.com and we have nothing to do with him!
Current information for: vetteparts-online.com
Registrant:
Domain Admin
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33305
United States
Domain Name: VETTEPARTS-ONLINE.COM
Created on: 02-Apr-08
Expires on: 02-Apr-11
Last Updated on: 22-Mar-10
Administrative Contact:
Admin, Domain oceansidehammocks@yahoo.com
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33305
United States
9545372109
Technical Contact:
Admin, Domain oceansidehammocks@yahoo.com
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33305
United States
9545372109
Domain servers in listed order:
NS35.DOMAINCONTROL.COM
NS36.DOMAINCONTROL.COM
So who really is this asshole? It's these guys!The cattle driver seo spammers!
A message friends and others who send me emails.
If and email bashes someone, a group of people, or the philosophy, culture or religion of others, keep it out of my email box and our conversations.
I am so tired of the lies and BS, hatred, racism and religious discrimination. Send me crap that falls into this category and you will be blocked forever and I will no longer see anything from you. I don't leave piles of crap on your doorstep, don't leave them on mine.
While some of this country appears to have moved forward, a very nasty under tide is below the surface and it sickens me. I almost prefer to have these prejudicial and racist ideas worn as a badge so I know who to avoid. It's amazing what some people spew online that they wouldn't have the guts to do to people they talk or write about in person.
You don't have to be Christian or even believe in any religion to use the WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) philosophy of how you interact and communicate with others. At least do so with me.
It has come to the point that most every newspaper article I read online if filled with political comments that have nothing to do with the subject at hand.
Feel the same way as I do? Tell others who send this hate filled crap to you and feel free to plagiarize me if not send them a link to this page.
Sorry to rant but I have had enough.
Now go have a nice day. :)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
80-year-old lady married for the fourth time
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Saturday, October 9, 2010
The Worst Day Of My Life
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I managed to buy a drink with all the money I had, right down to my last dime, dropped a capsule in it and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you asshole, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Different Ways of Looking At Things
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother because I still have mine.'
___________________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said,
'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and Then I'll try
to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
Two reasons why it is so hard to solve a redneck murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in Surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________
While shopping fr vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He is still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
2010 Darwin awards
Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.
You've been waiting for them in breathless anticipation, so without further ado here are the 2010 Darwin awards.
8th Place 2010 Darwin awards..... In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
7th Place 2010 Darwin awards.... A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
6th Place 2010 Darwin awards...While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
5th Place 2010 Darwin awards... Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long flash light he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
4th Place 2010 Darwin awards.... Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
3rd Place 2010 Darwin awards.... After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into Florida 's H&J Leather &Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION 2010 Darwin awards... Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed!
RUNNER UP 2010 Darwin awards... Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.
They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER 2010 Darwin awards IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt(Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 'shit happens'.
Questions that haunt mankind – observational jokes
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Fred who no longer has no name
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears from laughing.