A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned".
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Magic Beer - joke
A woman meets an attractive man in a bar and asks him what he is drinking.
'Magic Beer,' he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, 'That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?'
'Yes, I'll show you.'
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: 'I bet you can't do that again.'
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, 'Give her one of what I'm having.'
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, 'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.'
'Magic Beer,' he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, 'That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?'
'Yes, I'll show you.'
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: 'I bet you can't do that again.'
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, 'Give her one of what I'm having.'
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, 'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.'
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Goodmorning from Miss Dorcas! - Scam spam
(sent from dorcasndem00@yahoo.fr)
Goodmorning,
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I am Miss Dorcas Ndem, the only Daugther of late Mr. and Mrs. Peter Ndem My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan,the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father was poisoned to dearthby his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip.
My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on November 2002 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of Ten million, five hundred thousand united state dollars (USD.10,500,000) depsited in one of the Security Finance Company herein Abidjan ,that he used my name as his only Daugther for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund as faily valuables.
He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates. That I should seek for a look foreign partner in a country of my choice who will assist me for investment purpose.
I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:
(1) To stand as my late father's foreign partner before the security company.
(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 18 years.
(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit in your country.
Moreover, I am willing to offer you 20% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful clearing of the fund from the security company.
Furthermore, Please indicate your interest for Ibelieve that this transaction would be concluded within fourteen(14) days from the day you signify your interest to assist me.
Anticipating to hear from you soon.
Thanks and God bless
Best regards,
Miss Dorcas Ndem.
Goodmorning,
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I am Miss Dorcas Ndem, the only Daugther of late Mr. and Mrs. Peter Ndem My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan,the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father was poisoned to dearthby his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip.
My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on November 2002 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of Ten million, five hundred thousand united state dollars (USD.10,500,000) depsited in one of the Security Finance Company herein Abidjan ,that he used my name as his only Daugther for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund as faily valuables.
He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates. That I should seek for a look foreign partner in a country of my choice who will assist me for investment purpose.
I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:
(1) To stand as my late father's foreign partner before the security company.
(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 18 years.
(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit in your country.
Moreover, I am willing to offer you 20% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful clearing of the fund from the security company.
Furthermore, Please indicate your interest for Ibelieve that this transaction would be concluded within fourteen(14) days from the day you signify your interest to assist me.
Anticipating to hear from you soon.
Thanks and God bless
Best regards,
Miss Dorcas Ndem.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Baby Name - joke
A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news, however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him, of course, to marry a nice Jewish girl.
When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning him.
After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air.
Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world."
"That's great, Mom," replies the son.
"And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"
The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"
When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning him.
After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air.
Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world."
"That's great, Mom," replies the son.
"And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"
The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"
Business Representative Required - scam spam
(total scam - NEVER contact these people)
From: The Hon. Vincent Peet
Cecil Wallace-Whitfield Centre
Cable Beach
P.O. Box N 3017
Nassau, N. P., Bahamas
Good day to you.
My name is Sen. The Hon. Vincent Peet. I work with the Ministry of Finance in the Bahamas.
We have a profiling amount of $38.5M (Thirty eight Million and Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only) secured in an offshore Bank account here in the Bahamas. I have decided to contact you to seek your assistance in securing these funds into a safe account for future investment purposes but requiring maximum confidentiality. This is borne of the fact that I and my colleagues are still in active service in our respective Ministries here in the Bahamas.
If you are willing to participate and you are capable of handling the amount mentioned, kindly revert back me with your private phone, email and fax and I will provide you more information and the procedure of making you the beneficiary of the said funds in less than 7 working days.
Once I get your response and you indicate your willingness to assist us in securing these funds, we shall first deliberate and agree on the percentage that you will take for assisting us secure the funds as this is subject to negotiations. After this, I shall, in my capacity introduce you/your company to the withholding bank with proper documents as the legal beneficiary of the money.
Note however that they are no encumbrances with the funds, the monies are not proceeds from drugs sales neither are they terrorist related. The funds were generated from a legitimate business deal.
I will await your urgent response.
Regards,
Hon. Vincent Peet
From: The Hon. Vincent Peet
Cecil Wallace-Whitfield Centre
Cable Beach
P.O. Box N 3017
Nassau, N. P., Bahamas
Good day to you.
My name is Sen. The Hon. Vincent Peet. I work with the Ministry of Finance in the Bahamas.
We have a profiling amount of $38.5M (Thirty eight Million and Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only) secured in an offshore Bank account here in the Bahamas. I have decided to contact you to seek your assistance in securing these funds into a safe account for future investment purposes but requiring maximum confidentiality. This is borne of the fact that I and my colleagues are still in active service in our respective Ministries here in the Bahamas.
If you are willing to participate and you are capable of handling the amount mentioned, kindly revert back me with your private phone, email and fax and I will provide you more information and the procedure of making you the beneficiary of the said funds in less than 7 working days.
Once I get your response and you indicate your willingness to assist us in securing these funds, we shall first deliberate and agree on the percentage that you will take for assisting us secure the funds as this is subject to negotiations. After this, I shall, in my capacity introduce you/your company to the withholding bank with proper documents as the legal beneficiary of the money.
Note however that they are no encumbrances with the funds, the monies are not proceeds from drugs sales neither are they terrorist related. The funds were generated from a legitimate business deal.
I will await your urgent response.
Regards,
Hon. Vincent Peet
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Grandma's boyfriend - joke
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as
my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging' her boyfriend."
The minister collapsed.
Now, that right there is funny.....I don't care who you are
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as
my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging' her boyfriend."
The minister collapsed.
Now, that right there is funny.....I don't care who you are
Attitude - joke
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."
So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly.......
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass..
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."
So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly.......
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass..
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
The Hairdryer -joke
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."
Saturday, August 11, 2007
About My Crap Mail
While sometimes the My Crap Mail web site is meant to entertain you with silly jokes, funny stories and pictures, the main goal is to inform our readers about scams, phishing attacks, identity theft, viruses and spyware.
My first experience with computers started in 1977 and I have been hooked since. As a professional programmer, internet security expert and Search Engine Optimization consultant you can take my advice to the bank.
In order to keep my clients and my own computers safe I have found that I need to not only use safe practices but use a variety of tools at my disposal. I have even made a page of free internet tools and free search engine optimization tools available for anyone to use.
I am willing to share my secrets for free in order to keep the cyberworld safe for everyone who is smart enough to follow my instructions.
One of the worst wastes of time and productivity anyone with a computer hooked up to the internet is forced to suffer is the Spamming of Email accounts (unsolicited bulk commercial emails). This not only wastes time it cost us money. Some of us have limited bandwith and pay for overages or we may use dialup and pay phone charges or internet use charges for the time it takes to download Spam emails.
While some spam may comply with current laws, it is still invasive and expensive and many illegitimate companies will spoof legitimate companies and their email addressees in order to infect and or hijack your computer or to promote a scam.
We take spam seriously and report spammers (people who send unsolicited emails) to affiliate programs, ISPs, Spam Tracking Services, The Federal Trade Commission and security programs.
Any spam we receive to one of our hundreds of emails we reserve the right to post as well as all correspondence and transcripts of communications from spammers.
We will strongly and vehemently defend our first amendment rights to free speech and have Pro bono publico access to attorneys who specialize in first amendment law. God Bless America!
Don’t you wish spam would go away? YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO THIS! The only way to stop spam and other crap from filling up your inbox and costing you time and money is to never do business with anyone who markets this way.
Tell your employees, coworkers and friends that doing business with someone who spams you only encourages them to continue to spam everyone. As long as people do business with spammers, spam will exist. Once spam is no longer effective, spammers will go away.
I have been asked many times: Why not click the link on the bottom of an email to opt out of future mailings? The answer is that when you do this to a crooked email harvester or marketer they will not only NOT remove you, you are only verifying that your email address works and in turn you may get even more spam!
If spam continues to grow the best option I see is to have anyone who sends an email pay the receiver. Once the free lunch is over for spammers – spam may go away or it will be greatly reduced.
Thanks for visiting my sites and be sure to tell your friends if you like them. If you don’t tell me why as comments and corrections are more than welcome!
My first experience with computers started in 1977 and I have been hooked since. As a professional programmer, internet security expert and Search Engine Optimization consultant you can take my advice to the bank.
In order to keep my clients and my own computers safe I have found that I need to not only use safe practices but use a variety of tools at my disposal. I have even made a page of free internet tools and free search engine optimization tools available for anyone to use.
I am willing to share my secrets for free in order to keep the cyberworld safe for everyone who is smart enough to follow my instructions.
One of the worst wastes of time and productivity anyone with a computer hooked up to the internet is forced to suffer is the Spamming of Email accounts (unsolicited bulk commercial emails). This not only wastes time it cost us money. Some of us have limited bandwith and pay for overages or we may use dialup and pay phone charges or internet use charges for the time it takes to download Spam emails.
While some spam may comply with current laws, it is still invasive and expensive and many illegitimate companies will spoof legitimate companies and their email addressees in order to infect and or hijack your computer or to promote a scam.
We take spam seriously and report spammers (people who send unsolicited emails) to affiliate programs, ISPs, Spam Tracking Services, The Federal Trade Commission and security programs.
Any spam we receive to one of our hundreds of emails we reserve the right to post as well as all correspondence and transcripts of communications from spammers.
We will strongly and vehemently defend our first amendment rights to free speech and have Pro bono publico access to attorneys who specialize in first amendment law. God Bless America!
Don’t you wish spam would go away? YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO THIS! The only way to stop spam and other crap from filling up your inbox and costing you time and money is to never do business with anyone who markets this way.
Tell your employees, coworkers and friends that doing business with someone who spams you only encourages them to continue to spam everyone. As long as people do business with spammers, spam will exist. Once spam is no longer effective, spammers will go away.
I have been asked many times: Why not click the link on the bottom of an email to opt out of future mailings? The answer is that when you do this to a crooked email harvester or marketer they will not only NOT remove you, you are only verifying that your email address works and in turn you may get even more spam!
If spam continues to grow the best option I see is to have anyone who sends an email pay the receiver. Once the free lunch is over for spammers – spam may go away or it will be greatly reduced.
Thanks for visiting my sites and be sure to tell your friends if you like them. If you don’t tell me why as comments and corrections are more than welcome!
Thanks to this siteI can download photoshop extended CS3 only $89 - spam
Find out more about the new features and enhancements in Adobe Photoshop CS3 Extended. Boost your productivity with a streamlined interface, enhancements to raw-image processing and asset management workflows, and more; experience unrivaled editing power with nondestructive filters, more precise color-correction controls, and more powerful cloning and healing tools; easily create rich composites using new tools for automatically aligning and blending layers and making quick selections; 3D and motion support with the ability to edit 3D content and incorporate it into 2D compositions, paint and clone over multiple video frames, and more; comprehensive image analysis with new image measurement and counting tools, MATLAB integration, and DICOM file support.
Adobe Photoshop CS3 Extended
Retail Price $999.00
Our Price $89.95
You save $909.05
(link removed)
Please note, that there will be more special offers available for our constant customers. Every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of all information contained herein. DS Team makes no warranty expressed or implied with respect to accuracy of the information, including price, product editorials or product specifications. Product and manufacturer names are used only for the purpose of identification. We appreciate your cooperation with us and we'll be glad to see you as our clients in the future.
Adobe Photoshop CS3 Extended
Retail Price $999.00
Our Price $89.95
You save $909.05
(link removed)
Please note, that there will be more special offers available for our constant customers. Every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of all information contained herein. DS Team makes no warranty expressed or implied with respect to accuracy of the information, including price, product editorials or product specifications. Product and manufacturer names are used only for the purpose of identification. We appreciate your cooperation with us and we'll be glad to see you as our clients in the future.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Death and Citbank Credit Cards - Funny Story
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, & added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0, now somewhere around $60.
A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here's the exchange:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed, and the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau. Maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you?...the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
(Supervisor gets on the phone):
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply."(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: "Do you mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (stammering) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great-nephew."
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I really don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people??!!)
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "Yes, that will help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!
A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here's the exchange:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed, and the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau. Maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you?...the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
(Supervisor gets on the phone):
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply."(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: "Do you mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (stammering) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great-nephew."
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I really don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people??!!)
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "Yes, that will help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
SENIOR MOMENT - funny email
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Social Security check, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Social Security check, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
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