Where are my car keys? Funny story

Where are my car keys?

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my

keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has

scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been

stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always called her "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken," she barked, "I

dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

Things that go on in church

One Sunday morning,the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked...

"Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Painting the Church - joke

here was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

This Will Brighten Up Your Day! – Funny sex story

A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, 'We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed. 'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor.

'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. 'The first week we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless.'

The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, 'My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there. 'It was lustful, loud, and passionate. It lasted over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat.' The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We understand,' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot either.'

Who is the joke on now??

Josephine was a church appointed morals director who seemed to stick her nose in everyones private affairs.

Most of the church members frowned on her gossiping ways but they kept their distance and were silent about their opinions of Josephine.

One church gathering day she accused Mark, a new follower of the church that he was an alcoholic since she saw his car parked in front of a well known ginmill,for four hours.She announced this fact in front of the church group,anyone seeing his car there at the ginmill would know what he was doing there.

Mark just gave her a cunning look and walked away not denying or defending his sobriety.

Later that night Mark parked his car in front of Josephine's house and left it there all night.