The Wedding Test - Joke

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Poems with most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line.

These are entries to a Washington post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
- marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
- that's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
- this describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
- but I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
- but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
- but don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
- damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
- what have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
- except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
- two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

Monks' Tale - funny story

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "all right, all right. I am dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire...and so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

...but I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

A retirement plan from Washington - joke

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Cure for Snoring - Joke

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said,"Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said,"So, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said,'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn.. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.

They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...Bob sat up and watched me all night."

George W Bush and Matzoh Ball Soup - joke

Israeli leader Ehud Olmert comes to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their guest.

At the dinner that night, the first course is served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup.

George W. looks at this and, after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can’t eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.

The aide says that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn’t at least taste it.

Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep’s eye in honor of his Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth.

He hesitates, swallows, and a grin appears on his face. He finds he really likes it, digs right in, and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," George W. says to Olmert. "Do the Jews eat any other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?"

AOL Instant Messenger critical update - Phishing / Virus scam

Sent by: AOL
Sent via Email address: donotreply@aim.com (fake)
Subject Line: AOL Instant Messenger critical update
Determination: Fake email for phishing attempt by infecting your computer with viruses.
Scam email volume: Extremely aggressive mostly with older harvested emails often sent multiple times to the same address with various similar subject lines.

Dear AOL Instant Messenger user,

Your AIM account is flagged as inactive. Within the following 72 hours it’ll be deleted from the system.

If you plan to use this account in the future, you have to download and launch the latest update for the AIM. This update is critical.

In order to install the update use the following link (link removed which went to scam site http://update.aol.com.pioqe.com.pl/products/aimController.php?code=683440388705904474530770119812771767854532852337835574700369830&email=(mystolenemailadress). This link is generated exclusively for your account and is available within a certain period of time. As soon as this link is not available anymore you will get another letter.

Thank you,
AIM Service Team

This e-mail has been sent from an e-mail address that is not monitored. Please do not reply to this message. We are unable to respond to any replies.

Pastor and his Congregation

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the Congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Preacher’s’ expanding salary

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergy man's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them or about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old woman struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

New Senior Healthcare Solution

So you are a senior citizen and the government says no healthcare for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.

Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth? No problem. Need glasses? Great! New hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? All covered.

All this and your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now. So who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care!

In addition, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

Do you miss this guy?

Do you miss this guy? Yes I do, I really do.

'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'- Ronald Reagan

'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'- Ronald Reagan

'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.'- Ronald Reagan

'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.' - Ronald Reagan

'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' - Ronald Reagan

'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.' - Ronald Reagan

'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.' Ronald Reagan

'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.' - Ronald Reagan

'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it' - Ronald Reagan

'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.' - Ronald Reagan

'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'- Ronald Reagan

'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under..'- Ronald Reagan

Al Sharpton Blasts Tiger Woods for Lack of Mistress Diversity

The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative affect on the black community, specifically young black girls.

“Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem. “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?”

Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines.

Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community.”

The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .."