9 months later joke

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained and"I'm afraidthe neighbors will talk if I let you stay inthe house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn,and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men foun d their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpectedletter from an attorney. It too k him a few minutes tofigure it out, but he finally determined that it was fromtheattorneyrepresentingthat attractive widow hemet on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:"Bob, do you remember that good-looki ng widowon the farm we stayed atduringour ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do"repliedBob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes !" Bob answered, a little embarrassed about being found out."I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said "Yeah, look, I'm sorry buddy.I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought you knew the endingdidn't you?... and youlent a bigsmile!

Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

See what's free at AOL.com.

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Capitalization and Punctuation - from Grammar Blast Characters - Select a Character to write about, and then click on that character to start writing your story!
You can print the story when you finish. (may be blocked by some state filters) Compass Learning Sample Activities - grades K-8 sample activities. Scroll to your grade level. Also has Math, Science and Social Studies games.
Cursive: Lowercase - Alphabet Animation - To see the animation, move your mouse over a letter on this page.
(from the site, Handwriting for Kids)
Dolch Phrases - print these for your students to practice Easy Reader Books - "Use these entertaining stories to practice sight words in engaging contexts.
There are two versions of these stories available. The first is unedited and can be used to gain familiarity with the text.
The altered version gives students the ability to fill in the blank with the correct sight words. Additionally, there are Flash Card and Bingo-type games that allow children to practice with the words in isolation or in groups." 4-26-07 English Basics worksheets - Teaching reinforcement and review, multiple topics English Grammar Online - Explanations and examples of English grammar topics, listed by alphabetically order.
English Grammar The Easy Way - This site has a very comprehensive collection of brief grammar explanations for students.
A great site if you want some concise support.
Fake-Out - A definition guessing game for 3 levels of students; k-2, 3-5, 6+. Students guess the definition of a chosen word.
But the real fun comes from submitting their own fake definition for the next week's word.
Five main types of organizers - links showing examples of many types Free Books to print - 30 books to print along with their worksheets.

Reading Units - lessons to use with over six dozen books, from Afternoon on the Amazon to Woodsong

Knee-jerk reaction

possibly match the tool of their own hands. However, many

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Downloadable Software spam

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Train Ticket - joke

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!

The United States National Medical Association - spam for drugs

The United States National Medical Association
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FAA Issues Changes To Light-Sport Aircraft Rule - stock spam

SEATTLE, WA--(MARKET WIRE)--Jun 22, 2007 -- Jim Bede, Director of Aeronautical Design for Exosphere Aircraft Company, Inc. (Other OTC:EXSA.PK - News), was featured on Market News First (link removed)in an exclusive live interview with MN1's Bob Leonard & Rich Hancock. The interview took place on June 20, 2007 at 10:30AM CDT. MN1 also wrote a feature story about EXSA that can be viewed on its website.

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This is a public press release privacy statement

SREA Acquires $75 Million Dollar Asset! - Stock scam

Score One Inc.(SREA)
$0.30

News hit just after close. SREA has acquired the $75 Million peace of land for the new "Recreation Town" in Dalian. This new project mimics a Facility in "Shui On" that profited more than $100 Million USD. SREA is going to go through the roof after this hits investors this weekend. Get on SREA at open on Monday!

The widespread criticism that ensued focused on the unintended consequences, namely the privacy rights of property owners in Victoria.

They can, however, be very important to the success of a service arrangement. A business person instructs them to send such letters.
Network neutrality is essentially about whether ISP's, or the owners of the pipes, can play with the traffic to prioritize some traffic at the expense of others. A business person instructs them to send such letters. Creating meaningful, measurable, and effective service levels for service provider agreements is not easy. I have not written about this for a while - but this is an issue that continues to bother me.

However, the fact sheet is relevant to all kinds of sensitive information, not just personal health information. I suspect lots of people will try to use them for business use, and perhaps web apps will be created for the iPhone browser that will bridge the gap. Thought needs to be put into the reason records are public and how they might be used differently online.

There is no reason to print or keep those numbers. Put those records online and all of those go away. The position of office of the information and privacy commissioner is public records pose a challenge to the privacy of citizens and, once in digital format, pose an even greater challenge.

And while I normally agree with Techdirt, I don't agree with their ongoing thought that such things happen when lawyers make business decisions.

The fact sheet lists five example encryption solutions to consider. I'm sure we will see commentary on this soon after it is on the market.

I agree that lawyers need to rethink reactions to things that are posted on the Web and advise accordingly, but lawyers don't fire off these letters on their own.

There have been instances where court records have been put online, and the number of queries skyrocketed.

It takes time, few know how to do it, and there is an embarrassment factor. That lead to letter from Dell legal counsel demanding that the post be removed. I have not written about this for a while - but this is an issue that continues to bother me.

The Info-Tech Advisor is only available by paid subscription, but a pdf of this article is at the link below, with their permission. A business person instructs them to send such letters. We didn't do that, and now we're paying for it.

But access to online records must be looked at differently than access to paper records. So query what is really accomplished by the blogging ban. That's not an issue if it improves the quality of the data, so long as it is not at the expense of another. The other thing that concerns me is what part of those numbers and other info the retailer keeps on their systems.

I suspect lots of people will try to use them for business use, and perhaps web apps will be created for the iPhone browser that will bridge the gap. And some print too much of it, or print the first several digits, or print them on the retailer copy but not the customer copy.
Keep in mind that while there is no question that it is a cool and innovative device, it is aimed at the consumer market. They can, however, be very important to the success of a service arrangement. Dell puts it well in their reply when they say: instead of trying to control information that was made public, we should have simply corrected anything that was inaccurate. The protection afforded by practical obscurity is lost when records are put online.
A recent fact sheet from the Ontario privacy commissioner contains useful advice for any business that needs to encrypt data.

There is no reason to print or keep those numbers. This article has some good insight into how to create an effective SLA.

Privacy commissioners and courts have dealt with this issue on assessment rolls in at least three provinces.

The fact sheet lists five example encryption solutions to consider.

Network neutrality is essentially about whether ISP's, or the owners of the pipes, can play with the traffic to prioritize some traffic at the expense of others.
The widespread criticism that ensued focused on the unintended consequences, namely the privacy rights of property owners in Victoria.

Enjoyable thoughts

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

1 8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

new lyrics - joke

It's been fun being a baby boomer…until now. Some of the artists of the '50s and'60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade Of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptations --- Papa's Got a brand new Kidney Stone.

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

17. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again.

This explains why I forward jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Soooo.

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

Thought for the Day - joke

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."

Top 10 Hubble Space Telescope Pictures

"...they illustrate that our universe is not only deeply strange, but also almost impossibly beautiful." Michael Hanlon/AH (Nov 25th, 2006)

After correcting an initial problem with the lens, when the Hubble Space Telescope was first launched in 1990, the floating astro-observatory began to relay back to Earth, incredible snapshots of the "final frontier" it was perusing.

Recently, astronauts voted on the top photographs taken by Hubble, in its 16-year journey so far. Remarking in the article from the Daily Mail, reporter Michael Hanlon says the photos "illustrate that our universe is not only deeply strange, but also almost impossibly beautiful."

Looking at the pictures myself, I must agree, and add that each one seems to contain the fingerprints of GOD . . what an incredible artist HE is!

Hubble telescope's top ten greatest space photographs

The Sombrero Galaxy - 28 million light years from Earth - was voted best picture taken. The dimensions of the galaxy, officially called M104, are as spectacular as its appearance. It has 800 billion suns and is 50,000 light years across.



The Ant Nebula, a cloud of dust and gas whose technical name is Mz3, resembles an ant when observed using ground-based telescopes. The nebula lies within our galaxy between 3,000 and 6,000 light years from Earth.



In third place is Nebula NGC 2392, called Eskimo because it looks like a face surrounded by a furry hood. The hood is, in fact, a ring of comet-shaped objects flying away from a dying star. Eskimo is 5,000 light years from Earth.



At four is the Cat's Eye Nebula



The Hourglass Nebula, 8,000 light years away, has a pinched-in-the-middle look because the winds that shape it are weaker at the centre.



In sixth place is the Cone Nebula. The part pictured here is 2.5 light years in length (the equivalent of 23 million return trips to the Moon).



The Perfect Storm, a small region in the Swan Nebula, 5,500 light years away, described as 'a bubbly ocean of hydrogen and small amounts of oxygen, sulphur and other elements'.



Starry Night, so named because it reminded astronomers of the Van Gogh painting. It is a halo of light around a star in the Milky Way.



The glowering eyes from 114 million light years away are the swirling cores of two merging galaxies called NGC 2207 and IC 2163 in the distant Canis Major constellation.



The Trifid Nebula. A 'stellar nursery', 9,000 light years from here, it is where new stars are being born.

Tax Truth Joke

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it. Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
upon his tomb,
" Taxes drove me to my doom.."

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What the hell happened? Can you spell "politicians!"

And I still have to "press 1" for English.

I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times

SREA Stock Scam Spam

Frenzy Pushes SREA Up 46.6% (do not buy)

Score One Inc. (SREA)
$0.44 UP 46.6% (do not buy)

SREA is in a frenzy as investor buying pushed it Up over 46% by close Wed. Up 427% in just over a week. Get all over SREA Thursday!

Unidirectional relationships have an "owning" side, the side that maintains the relationship in the database. You can also use the language keyword transient for fields.

In particular: Dmalloc can detect only memory-related problems in the heap, not in the stack, and not in static memory.

Fortunately, Grizzly makes it easy to customize these settings.

Of course, this will be much easier if the application is compiled debuggable and its source code is available.

Use the annotation Transient for marking transient properties.

Classes can have one to one, one to many, many to one, and many to many relationships with other classes.

If you annotate the instance variables themselves, the persistence provider will directly access the instance variables. It would be desirable for the project to move to using libtool.

This modification is explained in more detail below. Through SMF, an application's processes can be automated, monitored, and managed with less overhead and less administrator customization of the Solaris OS.

There are other signals whose default disposition is to create a core dump, for example, SIGFPE, which indicates a floating point exception.

In particular: Dmalloc can detect only memory-related problems in the heap, not in the stack, and not in static memory. You can avoid SQL in preference to a query language that uses your class names and properties. It has limitations, as all such packages do.

Real-time scan - The real-time scan method scans files as they are accessed.

The -t switch allows you to test the service definition without making the definition persistent. In particular: Dmalloc can detect only memory-related problems in the heap, not in the stack, and not in static memory. Identify single field keys with the Id annotation. Returning to the baseball example, Player objects have a ManyToOne relationship with a Team object.

With a few relatively minor adjustments, Dmalloc can become even more useful, particularly for the developers of Solaris applications using Sun Studio compilers and tools. Classes can have one to one, one to many, many to one, and many to many relationships with other classes.

Then restart the machine manually. SMF provides a deeper, more functional view into the processes managed during startup and shutdown of a Solaris system.

Spring, Hibernate, Struts and Oracle are the main technologies at work with GlassFish.

pid, where pid is replaced with the process ID. Participate in forums.

I'll describe more details about this error below. Including all of them in one command in a legible form would be impossible. However, abstract entities must also be subclassed by another entity class for database storage.

This article gives an overview of the Community feature and describes how developers can create new collaborative applications that integrate
with the community feature. IBM Oracle SAP SCO Unisys The companies

listed below have licensed Java SE and the associated JCK under Sun Scholarship. Purify requires relinking the application binary to instrument the code for Purify use. SIGBUS indicates that the application is accessing a memory address that does not conform to CPU memory alignment rules.

It took me a while to realize it, and I had to look into what Dmalloc does exactly.

Still, increasing the allocation of threads for certain tasks can be an important performance-tuning tool. Use the annotation Transient for marking transient properties. That's what I call improvement. Date The next code sample defines a Player class.

Classes can have one to one, one to many, many to one, and many to many relationships with other classes.

Not surprisingly, Dmalloc has grown over the years.

You could, for example, just as easily say that Player and Team classes have a many to one relationship if you consider the relationship from a player's perspective. Entity instances map into rows in one or more tables.

In addition, SMF-managed services can be delegated to non-root users.
It would be desirable for the project to move to using libtool.
For more details, see the list of contents below.

All restarted without user intervention.

Being mapped by a Player object's team property means that the Team object's identifier will exist as a foreign key column in the PLAYER table.
Get The Aquarium RSS Feed.

In particular: Dmalloc can detect only memory-related problems in the heap, not in the stack, and not in static memory. Any that aren't, ended while the session was closed.

To use kmdb to create a core dump, you need load its module during system booting. In the Solaris OS, there are several means you can use.

Valgrind Valgrind is a very powerful open source tool for runtime memory checking. For more information, see The Java Technology Brand.

It's hard to get good help - Dr Joke

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant.

"Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Garge.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, how was your day?"

Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Garge.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'

"T'underin' lard Jesus, Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

Cool Painjam Video

But wait until the end!

Smoke detector urban legend

(Semi True that smoke detectors should be replaced in 10 years but false story and facts.)


Last Sunday, two Bartlesville, Oklahoma citizens needlessly lost their life in a fire in their home. They had a smoke detector with a good battery in the home. Then, what was the problem?

The detector was 23 years old and no longer operable due to its age. What does age have to do with it, especially if the detector would "test” if the button was pushed?

Most smoke detectors use a very small amount of a radioactive isotope Americium 241 which has a half life of approximately 10 years.(the real Half life is from 150 years to 7,000 years) After 10 years the detector can no longer be depended upon to work properly and should be replaced.

The "test" button only checks to see if the battery has enough power to sound the alarm; it does not tell you if the unit is still functional. When the detector in question was purchased no warnings were provided with detectors to inform the public of this fact. Today, manufacturers even provide a sticker to place inside the detector that you can write the date of installation so when you change your batteries you can also determine if the detector is due for replacement.

I urge all of you to check your detectors tonight. If you can not determine or do not recall when you purchased them, please get them replaced immediately. The long of short of it is that they are very inexpensive life insurance policies.

Bob Hasbrook, Fire Chief
918-338-4090
FAX 918-338-4212
rvhasbro@cityofbartlesville.org

THE 10 YEAR LIFE EXPECTANCY IS SOMETHING I DID NOT KNOW.---BUT I WENT TO GOOGLE AND ITS TOTALLY CORRECT. PASS THIS ALONG TO YOUR FRIENDS.

Butt Measurements - Joke

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day And the man looks over at his wife and says:

"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape And measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working And measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, The husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill For one little weenie?"

Beat the rush to the Apple store! - Joke

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Immigration Letter

A Good Sunday Morning To All:

I received this from a very good friend of our family (Leon Hindman) who lives near Los Angeles. For those of you who have been around Edgewood for a long time, Leon is the son of Emmit and Ivy Hindman. Mr Emmit, as us youngsters called him, was the blacksmith and were our neighbors when I was growing up. Anne & I visited Leon in March, when we were in Yuma, Az.

I find this very disturbing and sure you will also!!!!!! I hope you will share this!!!!!!!!

Ben/Dad

Subject: Immigration letter rejected from editor of Orange Co news


ORANGE COUNTY ( CALIFORNIA ) NEWSPAPER

NOT printed in the Orange County Paper...................

Newspapers simply won't publish letters to the editor which they either deem politically incorrect (read below) or which do not agree with the philosophy they're pushing on the public. This woman wrote a great letter to the editor that should have been published; but, with your help it will get published via cyberspace!

New Immigrants

From: "David LaBonte"

My wife, Rosemary, wrote a wonderful letter to the editor of the OC Register which, of course, was not printed. So, I decided to "print" it myself by sending it out on the Internet.

Pass it along if you feel so inclined.

Dave LaBonte (signed)

Written in response to a series of letters to the editor in the Orange County Register:

Dear Editor:

So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry.

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States , people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home.

They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture.

Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity. Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany , Italy , France and Japan . None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan .. They were defending the United States of America as one people. When we liberated France , no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German-American or the Irish-American. The people of France saw only Americans. And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot into one red, white and blue bowl.

And here we are in 2007 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about. I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life. I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags.

And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty, it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on the immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United States just yet.

(signed) Rosemary LaBonte

PS Pass this on to everyone you know!!!

KEEP THIS LETTER MOVING!!

I hope this letter gets read by millions of people all across the nation!!

Ronald Reagan sayings

Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose." - Ronald Reagan

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong." - Ronald Reagan

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."- Ronald Reagan

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." - Ronald Reagan

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program." - Ronald Reagan

"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting." - Ronald Reagan

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." - Ronald Reagan

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. - Ronald Reagan

BECOMING ILLEGAL - poliictal joke

BECOMING ILLEGAL (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC 20510

Dear Senator Harkin:

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from US Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started befo re everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "instate" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Donald Ruppert

Burlington, IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040.

Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great offer!!!!

Job Invitation! - employment scam

Hello,

My name is Sebastien Loto, I am representing (link removed)

We have analyzed your resume and have found one job available for you to work at home right away with a guaranteed monthly income of $5,500 in the first year.

It does not matter what you do for a living, as long as you have a free hour every workday.

What we offer:

-Flexible program: two hours/day at your choice, daytime and evening time -Work at home -Part time or full time -Professional contact team with very good support and communication skills -Other highlights:NO kit to buy, we WON'T charge you anything
-Commission: 10% of every transaction processed.

What we ask:

-Two free hours daily not including weekends -Internet access for sending and receiving e-mails -Apply for a merchant account.

IMPORTANT:

-You must be OVER 21 years old.

To learn more please visit our website (link removed). Please let us know if you are interested to join us.


Best regards,

Sebastien Loto

Disorder in American Courts - jokes

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

You have just received a virtual postcard from Family Member!!! - virus scam spam

(This email looked innocent until I saw that he links were actually going to another site not what was shown on the emails)

You have just received a virtual postcard from Family Member!!!

You can pick up your postcard at the following web address: www.postcards.org/

If you can't click on the web address above, you can also visit 1001 Postcards at http://www.postcards.org/postcards/ and enter your pickup code, which is: (removed)
(Your postcard will be available for 60 days.)

Oh -- and if you'd like to reply with a postcard, you can do so by visiting this web address: http://www.postcards.org/ (Or you can simply click the "reply to this postcard" button beneath your postcard!)

We hope you enjoy your postcard, and if you do, please take a moment to send a few yourself!

Regards,
1001 Postcards
http://www.postcards.org/postcards/

P.S. If you're happy with our service, let us know by making a donation to help us pay our server hosting costs! Please visit our donation page at Amazon.com! http://www.amazon.com/paypage/(removed)


And in case you were wondering...

1. This is a free service!

2. We don't sell email addresses to anyone!

3. You can find a printable version of your postcard at this web address:
http://www.postcards.org/(removed)

4. We like it when people tell us what they like about the service! And constructive criticism too, just not as much. :)

5. We accept donations! Just visit our donation page at Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/paypage/(removed)

6. We hope you have a smurfy day!

Re-Charging Cell Phones - urban legend

(this is confirmed false by Snopes but note the email says it is confirmed as true by Snopes)

I've done this too! Never thought about how dangerous it might be!

Re-Charging Cell Phones I went to snopes.com to be sure it wasn't an urban legend & it's not.

It is very true! And I do this all the time! Not anymore!!!!!!!!

This seems important enough to forward to others.

It's wise to be safe and safe being wise.

This was also on Pittsburgh 's WTAE channel 4 News.

Never, ever answer a cell phone while it is being CHARGED!

A few days ago, a person was recharging his cell phone at home. Just at that time a call came and he answered it with the instrument still connected to the outlet. After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and the young man was thrown to the ground with a heavy thud. His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers. He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival. Cell phones are a very useful modern invention. However, we must be aware that it can also be an instrument of death.

Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the electrical outlet!

Irish Gas Station - joke

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...

"Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive, replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."

Bad at math - joke

Little Zachary was doing very bad in math.

His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything They could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very Serious look on his face.

He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at Work. His mother was amazed. She called him down To dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back To his room without a word, and in no time, he was back Hitting the books as hard as before. This went on For some time, day after day, while the mother Tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his Room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no Longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and Shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the Uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to The plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Three Brazilians -joke

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says... "How many is a Brazilian?"

Nine words women use - joke

1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine.

4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU !

9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

March 6, 1836 - Davy Crockett - Joke

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Crockett turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"

Ain't it the Truth!!! - joke

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

Flour and Water
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?..
and then you add eggs and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake Stick to your BUTT

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the silliness and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).

We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling

The Patient - joke

A male patient is lying in bed at the hospital the day after having lower back surgery, he is wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A beautiful young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them that I can see, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?

Perks Of Being Over 50 - joke

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list

telephone poll - joke

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office,
asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is
a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa.".

The Dress - Joke

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement--not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

Now I ask you -- is there a woman out there, anywhere, who wouldn't enjoy this story? Send it to every woman you know who loves to laugh!

TV Commercials and 5th graders - cute jokes

God is like Television commercials

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results: scroll down.

God is like.
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

God is like.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.

God is like.
COKE
He's the real thing.

God is like.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like.
SEARS
He has everything.

God is like.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him

God is like.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

God is like.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

God is like.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

God is like.
Chevrolet. . . .the heart beat of America

God is like
Maxwell house. . .
Good to the very last drop

God is like.
Bounty. . . .
He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . .and He won't fall aparton you

My Crap mail - 2 months old and counting!

What started as a joke and frustration with a filled mailbox has now turned into an interesting project which has educated a bunch of you on Phishing attempts, urban legends, chain emails, wasteful and deceitful spam and a few good laughs.

What has astonished me is now that I am looking at the spam and emails I get more carefully how many attempts are made every day to rob me blind and steal my identity.

I also see with the arrest of the Ober Spammer a few days ago a significant drop in stock spam.

Today’s words of advice are: “don’t buy anything from someone you don’t know who spam you so we can drive this vermin out of business”

Don't Know Crap - Joke

A guy was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Hmmmm...how about nuclear power?" said the guy.

"OK," she said, "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A Horse, a Cow, and a Deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flatpatty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

The girl replied... "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency - Joke

May 23, 2007: Washington, DC (AP) -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that the office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush had never been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline - joke

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop Using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an
illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.

If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends.

Mrs.Larisa - Scam email

DEAR FRIEND,

MY NAME IS MRS.LARISA SOSNITSKAYA, PERSONAL SECRETARY TO MR.BORIS MIKHAIL HODORKOVSKY, THE ARRESTED CHAIRMAN/CEO OF YUKOS OIL AND BANK MENATEP SPB IN RUSSIA WHO IS PRESENTLY IN JAIL.
I HAVE THE DOCUMENTS OF A LARGE AMOUNT OF FUNDS WHICH HE HANDED OVER TO ME BEFORE HE WAS DETAINED AND TRIED IN RUSSIA FOR FINANCING POLITICAL PARTIES AND NOT PAYING TAXES (THE UNION OF RIGHT FORCES, LED BY BORIS NEMTSOV AND YABLOKO, A LIBERAL/SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY LED BY GREGOR YAVLINSKY) OPPOSED TO THE GOVERNMENT OF MR. VLADMIR PUTIN,THE PRESIDENT

THEREBY LEADING TO THE FREEZING OF HIS FINANCES AND ASSETS.
AFTER SEARCHING THROUGH THE BOOKS OF YOUR COUNTRY'S CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRIES HERE IN RUSSIA I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST ME TO RE-PROFILE THE FUNDS AND EQUALLY INVEST SAME ON HIS BEHALF.THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF FUNDS TO BE RE-PROFILLED IS FORTY SIX MILLION DOLLARS
(USD$46,000,000.00) AND YOU WILL BE PAID 20% FOR YOUR MANAGEMENT SERVICES.

AS SOON AS I RECEIVE YOUR ACCEPTANCE IN MY PERSONAL E-MAIL ADDRESS THUS: (email removed) I WILL SEND YOU THE NECESSARY DETAILS AND MY IDENTIFICATION.
YOURS SINCERELY,

MRS.LARISA SOSNITSKAYA.

NOTE THAT ANY RESPONSE TO THIS EMAIL WILL NOT BE APPRECIATED OR ANSWERED PLEASE WRITE ME VIA MY PERSONAL EMAIL ADRRESS THUS:
(emial link removed) FOR FUTURE CORRESPONDENCE.

NB: YOU CAN READ MORE OF THIS DEAL FROM:

What is HGH Life™? - spam

HGH Life™ is our patented formula of Human Growth Hormone, amino acids, and the most-potent growth factors, all in one pill. It was designed with anti-aging in mind, and has been noted for increased energy and alertness, stronger muscles and bones, better looking skin, increased libido and overall beneficial health benefits in America and abroad for the last several years.

How does HGH Life™ work?

HGH Life™ supplements the ever decreasing amount of growth hormone secreted by the pituitary gland as we get older. The result is youthful feeling and appearance, increased energy, memory and metabolism, stronger immune system function, increased tissue repair, cell replacement, and bone strength, and healthier skin, nails and teeth. In other words, it creates an overall, more youthful you!

Buy HGH Life™ and become become immune to the passage of time!