Monday, January 30, 2012

How the Internet Got Started - Joke

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

God, Adam, Eve, a Dog and a Cat

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Indian With One Testicle named One Stone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next

day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why??? OH, come on... take a guess! Everyone knows You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

Top Five Regrets of the Dying By Bronnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was

with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.

I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as

expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed

though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and

again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how

many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to

choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late.

Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of

this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply

regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by

creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became

who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly,

in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your

life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down.

Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets

about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details

of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true

importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to

ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and


5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and

habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them

pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their

life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long

before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Bronnie Ware is a writer, singer/songwriter, songwriting teacher and speaker from Australia. She has lived nomadically for most of her adult

life. Bronnie shares her inspiring observations and the insights gained along the way through the diversity of her work.

Ayesha Gaddafi daughter of the late president Muammar Gaddafi spam scam

Subject: Greetings
Sent by: Ayesha Gaddafi
Sent Via Email:
Determination: Scam Phishing attempt


My name is Ayesha Gaddafi am the only daughter late president Muammar Gaddafi, who ruled Libya from 1969 to 2011. During the period of his stay in office, he made me go into money exchange and gold business but due to the up rising/crisis in libya now he died a careless death as a result of that i made a bold decission that i was going to leave the country so that i will not fall a victim like my father did because the way things are going on,no body is safe.

However before the death of my father he deposited $20 million to a bank in London Uk, which i will provide you with the contact information. And also as people were evacuating the country i packaged 85 kilogram of Gold in an italian safe as a mattar of fact i saw a UNITED NATION humaniterian aid worker he was going to London UK and i secure the two boxes on his care but i did not disclose the original content of box to him.I asked him to help me to convey the boxes to his country in the United Kingdom,i told him that the content of the boxes is my father's properties documents both home and abroad,i told him to help me secure it till my country is calm then i will give him instruction on that,so he to issue to me the certificate of ownership of the boxes with my name which i will forward to you for the collections of the boxes because he said that whoever that is coming to claim it should present the ownership certificate that was our agreement.

As i was making searching in the internet i got your email address and i said to my self that i was going to do busines with you in your country. i am happy the diplomat had now arrived to London safely with my frist son and he has called me and i told him that somebody will call him about the boxes i gave him and he said no problem that my boxes are safe and i am free any time for it.

Having gone through my mail massage i will like us to work together in your country with the money US$20 Million so if you have accepted with me then get back to me with your full name,your country of origin,your age and sex,your private telephone number,your current occupation and lastly any of your valid identification card.

with all this it will enable us to proceed and please remember not to disclose this to any body for security reasons,If you have accepted then i will give you the contact to contact the Diplomat for the boxes of gold and the contact information of the bank were the money is been deposited in United Kingdom and as soon as every thing is concluded i will fly to your country to settle down there for the rest of my life and we will invest the money and sale the gold. Waiting to hear from you as it will enable me to stop searching for another helper.

Best Regard
Ayesha Gaddafi
only daughter late president Muammar Gaddafi From Benghazi Libya.