Sunday, September 25, 2011

A Mastercard Wedding - A Funny Wedding Story Joke

You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

A Mastercard Wedding

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodation in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD - A MasterCard Wedding

A MasterCard Wedding

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

An Afghan Taliban Figher in the Desert, a Jew and a Tie Joke

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie...I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you want...Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he staggered back, almost dead, and said:
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie...”

Monday, September 19, 2011

Lawyer/Attorney Accident Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer "My Rolex!"

Childbirth and Baby with a 65 Year Old Mom– Funny Mother Joke

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth and be a mom.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Once Again Thanks For Contributing To Our Financial Success!!! - scam spam email

Subject: Once Again Thanks For Contributing To Our Financial Success!!! -
Sent Via Email Address:
Sent by: Alliance Global Lottery
Determination: scam spam email

Alliance Global Lottery
BATCH No:15/623/UK.
Registered Lottery No: 220949.

We hereby announce the official notification of the results of the Alliance Global Lottery Financial Promotions held this Month in which your e-mail address emerged winner.Your e-mail address attached to ticket number 883734657492-5319 with serial number 7263-267, batch number 8254297137,lottery ref number 7336065782 and drew lucky numbers 14-22-28-37-40-44 which consequently won you the cash prize in the 1st category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of ?750,000.00 (i.e Seven Hundred And Fifty Thousand United Kingdom Pounds).Please note that this Promotional Program tagged "Thanks for contributing to our financial Success" was sponsored and organized by the Alliance Global Lottery Corporation in view of the Financial benefits Alliance Global have received from its numerous customers either through adverts, hosting and personal emails.

The reason this lottery was organized is to thank the numerous public including users and non-users of INTERNET for the financial benefits THE Alliance Global CORPORATION have received as a result of their Patronage last Year.This Lottery is approved and licensed by the International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This lottery is the first of its kind organized by Alliance Global Lottery

In view of this, your seven hundred and fifty thousand United Kingdom Pounds (??750,000.00) would be released to you by the claims office here in UK. The reason this lottery was organized is to thank the numerous public including users and non-users of YAHOO! MAIL for the financial benefits THE Alliance Global Lottery CORPORATION have received as a result of their Patronage last Year.

For processing and remittance of your winnings, Beneficiaries who have previously received this notification letter are advised to once again contact their assigned Remittance Director with his new email address below;

Contact Info:
Mr.James Lamb
Yahoo Office
Remittance Director
Alliance Global Lottery Promotions Unit.
44 Moor fields London EC2Y 9AL UNITED KINGDOM

(Receipt Official Notification Letter)

FULL NAMES................................
CONTACT ADDRESS......................
MARITAL STATUS.........................
TELEPHONE NUMBER....................
BATCH NUMBER. ........................
REFERENCE NUMBER...................

Once Again Thanks For Contributing To Our Financial Success!!!

Yours Sincerely,
Steve Ballmer
Chief Executive Officer
Alliance Global Lottery Corporation

Great Benefits: Scam Spam Email

Sunbject: --Great Benefits--
Sent by Email: Phillips
Sent Via Email:


My name is Bill Phillips, Attorney at law. I have a client with intical surnames as you, recently deceased, who has left behind a huge financial asset.

I have been given an ultimatum from the bank to provide them with a surviving family member, but have not had any success after several attempts in contacting his embassy.

I would like to present you as a surviving family member which would allow you to claim the funds left behind by my client. If you are interested, please contact me with your full name and a valid phone number.

Kind Regards,
Bill Phillips

The Health Hazards and Dangers of Ice

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Please warn all your friends.