Painting the Church - joke

here was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

The Silver Screw - joke

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it! He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed ...And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: 'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.'

Catholic Girls in Heaven

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl,

'Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'

St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.' St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one. 'St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Agatha! What seems to be the rush ?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Bernadette sticks her ass in it.

The Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man kneeling down and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts, 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows crap in it'.)

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English.'

The Amish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

Compliment - scam spam from Dr. Mrs Roseline Olivia

Subject: Compliment
Sent By: Dr. Mrs Roseline Olivia.
Sent Via Email: roseline.olivia@gmail.com
Determination: total scam spam email. Do not contact these crooks

Dear Lucky Beneficiary,

REPUBLIC OF BENIN COTONOU, PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

This is to bring to your notice that, I have paid the re-activation fee and the delivery of your ATM Card. I paid it because the ATM Card 8119 $1.5m, has less three days to expire and when it expires, the money will go into Government purse.With that I decided to help you pay the money so that,the ATM Card will not expire, because I know when you get your ATM Card definitely you must pay me back my money and even compensate me for helping you.

Now i want you to contact UPS Delivery Service with your Full Contact informations so that they can deliver your Card to your designatedaddress without any delay. Like i stated earlier, The delivery charges has been paid but i did not pay their official keeping fees since they refused.

They refused and the reason is that they do not know when you are going to contact them and dumurrage might have increase.

They told me that their keeping fees is $25 per day and i deposited it on monday this week. Below is their Contact Informations,

Contact Person: Mr.Mark Dennis UPS Delivery Service
Email: (upssarvice_benin22@web2mail.com)
Tel: +2299-603-7-741
Contact Today to avoid increase of their keeping fees and let me know once you receive your card.

Best Regards.

Dr.Mrs Roseline Olivia.
Compliment

Computers vs. Automobiles - new twist on old joke

Thought you'd get a kick out of this one....For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again be cause none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Leasing vs. Purchasing

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he got a bang every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!), it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything that your heart desires!

Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid a total of $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing makes far more sense.

I Am Growing Older - Closing the Gap

Closing the Gap
by Rabbi Yaakov Salomon

As I grow older, things are no longer the same with my children.

My Dear Children,

One of my greatest joys in life is watching all of you grow up. But I wonder what it must be like for you watching me grow up?

As you know, I visit with Bubby in the Home every day and I have a unique opportunity to take in the scene. The old folks spend most of the day shuffling in and out of the pastel lobby, urging their walkers between the oversized, stuffy, high-back chairs and the undersized, fragile, bent-back residents.

I see Mr. Weiss. He's probably about 82. He seems to need less assistance than the others, except in the dining room when he dons his white disposable apron. I nod and he flashes a timid grin. He's not exactly embarrassed, but his vulnerability does not evoke pride or self-confidence either.

Sometimes I gaze at Mr. Weiss for a long time...too long...and I wonder:

"How did he earn a living?"
"Does he have family? Where are they?"
"What made him happy?"
"Did he laugh a lot as a child?"
"Does he think about dying?"

And then the mind really starts wandering -- mostly to places we are reluctant to admit.

"Will I be here someday?"
"Will I feel alone?"
"How well will the mind work?"
"Will I need help with my apron?"

And as I contemplate what the distant future might bring, I also think about what the past was like and what the present is really all about. Things are no longer the same.

When you were younger, you may have seen me as flawless and unblemished. That's how kids are. That's how they need to be. That idealized image made you feel safe and secure. It gave you ambition and allowed you to dream. That's something that should never change.

But gradually you found out that parents are not God. Yes, they create, they love unconditionally, they lead, and they provide -- but they are human. They have fears and questions, worries and imperfections. Those realizations about us can frighten you. But they can also bring us closer.

With your development into adulthood, the playing field has gotten smaller. We really are quite similar in the things we struggle with and in the way we cope and adapt. The challenges you face in parenting, marriage, money, God, and politics are challenges that I too have encountered or have struggled with. The fears you have about health, potential, performance, and insecurity are probably fears that I have contemplated, worried about, and have grappled with. So, I understand you better than you think I do. And perhaps, you can understand me better too. All of this is new to our relationship.

It wasn't long ago, in the throngs of your maddening adolescence, that you thought I was inept, hopeless, nerdy, and out-of-touch. You waited for me to "grow-up, get with it, and learn what life is really about." That was tough -- for both of us -- but we pulled through.

And in some ways you were actually quite right. As Mommy and I grow older (if you call 50s being older), we really do learn more of what life is about. We re-organize our priorities and spend more time with the family and with each other. We laugh more than ever but also take life more seriously. And our relationship with God is deeper and more meaningful than ever before.

Whenever we joke about "getting older" you seem uncomfortable, and that is natural. When we momentarily forget something simple -- like a birthday, a quotable quote from a grandchild, or who our Governor is (hard to keep track these days), you wince ever so slightly. The denial is palpable. It's hard to accept. Nobody wants to dwell on the aging process -- not his own and not his parents'.

I observe you today with your own families and rejoice at how wise, patient, and understanding you are with your spouses and children. (How did that happen?) Occasionally, I secretly try to take credit for your successes and your accomplishments, but I know that, in many ways, you have surpassed some of my own achievements and expectations for you.

I want so much to be useful, even indispensable, but often discover that you can handle most things quite well on your own, thank you. That creates within me a strange mishmash of pride and futility. I relish in your independence but pine for you to still need me. It's not as easy as it looks. That's how things seem to me now.

I truly believe, though, that the best years of our relationship are still ahead of us. Things will be different. It is no longer my job to examine how you make your decisions in life, trying to teach you responsibility and urging you along the right path. You have arrived at a new stage in life -- and so have I.

Still, the force of habit can be hard to break. Part of me still relates to you not as a person but as "my child," and part of you still relates to me as nothing more than "your father."

As the years advance, I find myself thinking more about purpose and life-goals, and the legacy I want to leave. I hope I can continue to inspire you and to give to you even as I respect you more every day.

I am quite aware that I can become preachy in my desire to guide you. I may become impatient when you insist on learning from your own mistakes. I may become sanctimonious in my quest for you to live a life that is less materialistic. But try to be understanding. I do mean well; I just try too hard.

I hope you see the messages that I am trying to convey in this letter as expressions of the over-flowing love I feel for each of you.

And... one more thing. As our gap narrows, I realize that you now have much wisdom and experience to offer me. I welcome that. Don't be afraid or hesitant to approach me with an insight or a good piece of advice that I can integrate into my life. It's a two-way street now and I'm still learning, you know.

Thanks for listening.

I have a feeling that the fun may just be starting.

Love,

Dada

Author Biography:
Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, C.S.W. is a noted psychotherapist, in private practice in Brooklyn, N.Y. for over 25 years. He is a Senior Lecturer and the Creative Director of Aish Hatorah's Discovery Productions.

He is also an editor and author for the Artscroll Publishing Series' and a member of the Kollel of Yeshiva Torah Vodaath.

I love this using creative ideas to get the job done...

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.

The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.

So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious. They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens.

Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federalpersonnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee – and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"

SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you.

The Wish - joke

A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. \\

Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. She said: 'For being such an exemplary married couple and especially this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

'Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband'

The fairy waved her magic wand ; and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a minute and said: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my
mind and not my Heart'. 'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed.

But a wish is a wish.

So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! the husband became 92 years old.

The Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful should remember that Fairies are Female.

Picture of Mom of the Year

Mom pf the year picture

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?"

She asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

The talking dog from Tennessee - joke

A guy is driving around the back woods of the Tennessee Smoky Mountains and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale..' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap.

FaceBook message: Magnificent Girls dancing on stage (Last rated by Leroy Wiseman) Fake facebook virus scam spam

Subject: FaceBook message: Magnificent Girls dancing on stage (Last rated by Leroy Wiseman)
Sent by: Facebook Invitations
Sent via email: messageserver84@facebook.com
Determination: This is a total fake which will load a virus - do not click on it!

Messages from Your Friends on Facebook, March 11, 2009

You have 1 Personal Message:
Video title: "Amanda is dancing on Striptease Dance Party, March 13, 2009! We're absolutely shocked!".

Proceed to view full video message:

http://facebook.shared.alternative.personalid-1wpkt0nbp.servlet.5436player.com/home.htm?/filetime/application=h2431qotctyq0p0

Message ID: FB-j3zjn7tq83bzbd2
2009 Facebook community, Message Center.

Web site link actually goes to
Domain name: 5436player.com
Status: Active

Protection Status: public
( make contact info private at http://www.now.cn/domain/domainPrivate.php )

Registrant:
Name: Henry Johns
Address: 962 51 Dutchess
City: Terr Beacon
Province/state: NY
Country: US
Postal Code: 12508

Administrative Contact:
Name: Henry Johns
Organization: Henry Johns
Address: 962 51 Dutchess
City: Terr Beacon
Province/state: NY
Country: US
Postal Code: 12508
Phone: +1.8454408033
Fax: +1.8454408033
Email: Email address protected from spam harvesters

Technical Contact:
Name: Henry Johns
Organization: Henry Johns
Address: 962 51 Dutchess
City: Terr Beacon
Province/state: NY
Country: US
Postal Code: 12508


Nameserver Information:
ns1.pvthstonline.com
ns2.pvthstonline.com

Create: 2009-03-14 19:22:14
Update: 2009-03-14
Expired: 2010-03-14
QueryTimes: 59

Feng Shui - chain email

This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received.. Hope it works for you -- and me!

Lotus Touts: You have 6 minutes

There’s some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you’re not superstitious. This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so far.

Do not keep this message.

The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.

Now, here’s the FUN part!

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.

1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.

5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Do not keep this message.

Link Scam Busted! Scam Spam from Torontorealestatedirect.Com hosted with Illusivecreations.Com -Calgary Web Design

Link Scam Busted! Scam Spam from Torontorealestatedirect.Com hosted with Illusivecreations.Com -Calgary Web Design

Can you say scammers and thieves? We find a new one today!

I thought I have seen it all before and now for a new one. Theses scammers from Torontorealestatedirect.Com shown as owned by Illusivecreations.Com, Calgary Web Design sent use some emails as well as our clients wanting to do a link exchange.

Spam Scam Email sent by: Melissa Thompson
Sent via Email address: melissa.thompson@torontorealestatedirect.com
Email contents:

Hello,
As I was surfing around google , I discovered your website: http://www.(Domain Removed).com I am trying to add as many informative websites as possible to my site. Which in turn will benefit my users as well as provide you with relevant traffic to your site. I have a website with about 5,000 - 7,000 people on it per day who fit the same demographic as your site.

If you follow this link, http://www.torontorealestatedirect.com (link actually goes to: http://www.torontorealestatedirect.com/?pg=HLHDe) you will see that I put your link on my homepage. Some website owners do not like when other sites link to them so I thought I might ask for your review.

Please get back to me when you have a chance, to let me know if the link I have placed suits your needs. Also if you would like a custom Title for it just send me a email and I will get it updated.
Have a good week,

Melissa Thompson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

email: melissa.thompson@torontorealestatedirect.com
website: http://www.torontorealestatedirect.com

This email was sent to (removed) by melissa.thompson@torontorealestatedirect.com

| 234, 5149 Country Hills Blvd N.W Suite # 306 | Toronto | Ontario | Canada

So here is the kicker someone else gets the same email and the embedded link changes the results as to which sites are listed as links so you think they gave you links when in fact they didn’t!

Anyone else get am email from these scammers? Please post the actual link as a comment (with the “?pg=” part in it)

Interesting how I see that this site has 68,594 inbound links according to Yahoo:

SO WHERE ARE THE OTHER OUTBOUND LINKS? Can you say link scam and a real bad neighborhood to link in and out of?

Google spam team, yahoo spam and MSN live spam team take a look at these folks!

For now their host: Illusivecreations.Com who looks very suspiciously like a front company claims that torontorealestatedirect.com is just a customer. We are awaiting a return call from them after their "investigation".

Another point of interest is that Illusivecreations.Com claims to be an SEO company that can get you a "Higher Google Page Ranking".

torontorealestatedirect.com
Registrant: Illusive Creations
234, 5149 Country Hills Blvd
Suite #306
Calgary, Alberta T3A5K8
Canada

Registered through: GoDaddy.com, Inc. (http://www.godaddy.com)
Domain Name: TORONTOREALESTATEDIRECT.COM
Created on: 08-May-08
Expires on: 08-May-09
Last Updated on: 08-May-08

Administrative Contact:
Industries, Damien accounting@illusivecreations.com
234, 5149 Country Hills Blvd N.W
Suite # 306
Calgary, Alberta T3A 5K8
Canada
4035547468

Technical Contact:
Industries, Damien accounting@illusivecreations.com
Illusive Creations
234, 5149 Country Hills Blvd N.W
Suite # 306
Calgary, Alberta T3A 5K8
Canada
4035547468

Domain servers in listed order:
NS1.ILLUSIVECREATIONS.COM
NS2.ILLUSIVECREATIONS.COM

Domain Illusive Creations
234, 5149 Country Hills Blvd
Suite #306
Calgary, Alberta T3A5K8
Canada

Registered through: GoDaddy.com, Inc. (http://www.godaddy.com)
Domain Name: ILLUSIVECREATIONS.COM
Created on: 02-May-03
Expires on: 01-Feb-10
Last Updated on: 08-Mar-08

Administrative Contact:
Industries, Damien accounting@illusivecreations.com
234, 5149 Country Hills Blvd N.W
Suite # 306
Calgary, Alberta T3A 5K8
Canada
4035547468

Technical Contact:
Industries, Damien accounting@illusivecreations.com
Illusive Creations
234, 5149 Country Hills Blvd N.W
Suite # 306
Calgary, Alberta T3A 5K8
Canada
4035547468

Domain servers in listed order:
NS1.ILLUSIVECREATIONS.COM
NS2.ILLUSIVECREATIONS.COM

A letter from the CEO with some bad news

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President, and that our taxes, and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa,

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida; only three are real. Most lake names end in hachee something.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour at the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us roadkill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her under-water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.

At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor-related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it 's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live... Murray 's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice? There's no difference. They're both owned by Murray who happens to be a cheap bastard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

Older than Dirt

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'


By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.

It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'

When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too... It's still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room.

The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!


I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends...

The Old Iowa Farmer

The movie ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster chuck. Wherever I go, chuck goes."

"I’m sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge... "At our age we've seen 'em all"

"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn.

Sad news...

Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the US economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience

Will your GPS do this?

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra high resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser-Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the US Government,' says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required,' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood ! - Jokes

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Cuatro Cinco..
1! 1. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer


Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

Money Problems: Try This Solution - joke

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody; it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.

Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"



"Chapter 11"

Top 10 Country Music Countdown - Joke

These were the top 10 country Music songs for 2008

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day!!!