Sunday, August 31, 2008

blind girl - great story

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.

Resolution Center (Your case ID for this reason is PP-014-936-988.)

Subject: Resolution Center (Your case ID for this reason is PP-014-936-988.)
Sent via:

We constantly working to ensure security by regularly screening the accounts in our system. We recently reviewed your account, and we need more information to help us provide you with secure service. Until we can collect this information, your access to sensitive account features will be limited. We would like to restore your access as soon as possible, and we apologize for the inconvenience.

Why is my account access limited?

Your account access has been limited for the following reason(s):

Aug. 28, 2008: We have reason to believe that your account was accessed by a third party. We have limited access to sensitive account features in case your account has been accessed by an unauthorized third party. We understand that having limited access can be an inconvenience, but protecting your account is our primary concern.

(Your case ID for this reason is PP-535-773-507.)

How can I restore my account access?

Please visit the Resolution Center and complete the "Steps to Remove Limitations."

link goes to Do not go there!

Completing all of the checklist items will automatically restore your account access.


The company URL this phishing attempt is registered to is:

Bresnan Communications
1 Manhattanville Rd
Purchase, NY 10577
(914) 641-3300 fax: 999 999 9999

Technical Contact:
Admin, Sys
Bresnan Communications
1 Manhattanville Rd
Purchase, NY 10577
914-641-3300 fax: (914) 641-3301

Record expires on 22-Jan-2010.
Record created on 21-Jan-1997.
Database last updated on 31-Aug-2008 12:59:44 EDT.

Domain servers in listed order:


So it is probably one of their customers who are doing this.

Hollywood Squares funny jokes

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Email Messages - funny jokes

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

Larry the cable guy - funny sayings

Not only is Larry the Cable Guy funny - he hits home with a few of these.

Larry the cable guy - funny sayings1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except for vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Friday, August 29, 2008

AIRMAIL EXPRESS $_ 8929343238 - dangerous email with virus

Unfortunately we were not able to deliver postal package you sent on August the 1st in time because the recipients address is not correct.
Please print out the invoice copy attached and collect the package at our office


Attachment is a zip file with virus Staring with name "airmail".

this is variation of the UPS virus

Retirement - joke

I've often been asked, 'What do you folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds,
and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it too!!

This Will Brighten Up Your Day! – Funny sex story

A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, 'We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed. 'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor.

'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. 'The first week we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless.'

The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, 'My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there. 'It was lustful, loud, and passionate. It lasted over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat.' The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We understand,' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot either.'

Can you solve this? Riddle

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer scrool down

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

You've received a greeting ecard - dangerious virus email spam

This is a dangerous Email where you will download a virus. Never click on emails such as this one!

Good day.
You have received an eCard

To pick up your eCard, choose from any of the following options:
Click on the following link (or copy & paste it into your web browser): (Do not click on a .exe link – EVER!)

Your card will be aviailable for pick-up beginning for the next 30 days.
Please be sure to view your eCard before the days are up!

We hope you enjoy you eCard.

Thank You!

Information on the spammer using this dangerous email asking you to install a virus.

Andrzej Gaudyn Uslugi wnetrzarskie Stolarstwo (csid7240045)
Pawel Adamski (
Kosciuszkowcow 101/49
Tel. +48.503308819

Creation Date: 20-Nov-2007
Expiration Date: 20-Nov-2008

Domain servers in listed order:

Administrative Contact:
Consulting Service - Robert Siebielski (csid5184597)
Robert Siebielski (
ul. Domaniewska 35A lok. 1B
Tel. +48.228538888

Technical Contact:
Andrzej Gaudyn Uslugi wnetrzarskie Stolarstwo (csid7240045)
Pawel Adamski (
Kosciuszkowcow 101/49
Tel. +48.503308819

Billing Contact:
Consulting Service - Robert Siebielski (csid5184597)
Robert Siebielski (
ul. Domaniewska 35A lok. 1B
Tel. +48.228538888

Twenty Nine Lines to Make You Smile By Maxine

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18.. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

Friday, August 22, 2008

First Known Picture of Michael Phelps

First Known Picture of Michael Phelps

First Known Picture of Michael Phelps

Some things never change!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Big People Words - joke

Big People Words - joke

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher Insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend.

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the SHIT'

Israel's Achievements in the First Months Of 2008


1. Scientists in Israel, found that the brackish water, drilled from underground desert aquifers hundreds of feet deep, could be used to raise warm-water fish. The geothermal water, less than one-tenth as saline as sea water, free of pollutants, and a toasty 98 degrees on average, proves an ideal environment.

2. Israeli-developed designer-eyeglasses, promise mobile phone and iPod users, a personalized, high-tech video display. Available to US consumers next year, Lumus-Optical's lightweight and fashionable video eyeglasses, feature a large transparent screen, floating in front of the viewer's face that projects their choice of movie, TV show, or video Game.

3. When Stephen Hawkins visited Israel recently, he shared his wisdom with scientists, students, and even the Prime Minister. But the world's most renown victim of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), or Lou Gehrig's disease, also learned something, due to the Israeli Association for ALS' advanced work in both embryonic and adult stem cell research, as well as its proven track record with neurodegenerative diseases. The Israeli research community is well on its way, to finding a treatment for this fatal disease, which affects 30,000 Americans.

4. Israeli start-up, Veterix, has developed an innovative new electronic capsule that sits in the stomach of a cow, sheep, or goat, sending out real-time information on the health of the herd, to the farmer via Email or cell phone. The e-capsule, which also sends out alerts if animals are distressed, injured, or lost, is now being tested on a herd of cows, in the hopes that the device will lead to tastier and healthier meat and milk sup plies.

5. The millions of Skype users worldwide will soon have access to the newly developed KishKish lie-detector. This free Internet service, based on voice stress analysis (a technique, commonly used in criminal investigations), will be able to measure just how truthful that person on the other end of the line, really is.

6. Beating cardiac tissue has been created in a lab from human embryonic stem cells by researchers at the Rappaport Medical Faculty and the Technion-Israel Institute of Technology's biomedical Engineering faculty. The work of Dr. Shulamit Levenberg and Prof. Lior Gepstein, has also led to the creation of tiny blood vessels within the tissue, making possible its implantation in a human he art.

7. Israel's Magal Security Systems, is a worldwide leader in computerized security systems, with products used in more than 70 countries around the world, protecting anything from national borders, to nuclear facilities, refineries, and airports. The company's latest Product, DreamBox, a state-of-the-art security system that includes Intelligent video, audio and sensor management, is now being used by a major water authority on the US east coast to safeguard the utility's sites.

8. It is common knowledge that dogs have better night vision than humans and a vastly superior sense of smell and hearing. Israel's Bio-Sense Technologies, recently delved further, and electronically analyzed 350 different barks. Finding that dogs of all breeds and sizes, bark the same alarm when they sense a threat, the firm has designed the dog bark-reader, a sensor that can pick up a dog's alarm bark, and alert the human operators. This is just one of a batch of innovative security systems to emerge from Israel, which Forbes calls 'the go-to country for anti-terrorism technologies.

9. Israeli company, BioControl Medical, sold its first electrical stimulator to treat urinary incontinence to a US company for $50 Million. Now, it is working on CardioFit, which uses electrical nerve stimulation to treat congestive heart failure. With nearly five million Americans presently affected by heart failure, and more than 400,000 new cases diagnosed yearly, the CardioFit is already generating a great deal of excitement as the first device with the potential to halt this deadly disease.

10. One year after Norway's Socialist Left Party launched its boycott Israel campaign, the importing of Israeli goods has increased by 15%, the strongest increase in many years, Statistics Norway reports.

In contrast to the efforts of tiny Israel to make contributions to the world so as to improve mankind, one has to ask, what have those who have strived to eliminate Israel from the face of the earth done other than to create hate and bloodshed?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Free animal shelter donation - please do this!

All you animal lovers -- This is pretty simple... Please tell at least ten friends to tell ten today! The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting
enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals.

It takes less than a minute (how about 20 seconds) to go to their site and click on the purple box 'fund food for animals' for free. This doesn't cost
you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for

Here's the web site! Pass it along to 10 people you know.

Glasgow cop and London Lawyer - joke

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

Thursday, August 14, 2008

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, remember this - Funny sayings

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, remember this - Funny sayings

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once; The seat folded up, the drink spilled, and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen. Just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for... enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

The walmart diet - joke

Walmart Diet - No it's A Purina Diet

Since I'm retired, I have to think of things to do...

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Sheriff the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. We have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

New Updated Version:
"Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me."

Better Than i-Phone - Joke

What's better than an I-phone?

Apple, Inc. announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Good day - Dangerous Virus, spam email

Subject: Varies often "good day"

Message: The message cannot be represented in 7-bit ASCII encoding and has been sent as a binary attachment.

Attachment: Dangerous Virus - may be labeled as Doc.bat

We have seen many of these in past few days. DO NOT OPEN - even if it is from someone you know!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Oil Change instructions

Oil Change instructions for Women
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change..
2. Drink a cup of coffee
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:

Oil Change: $ 29.00
Coffee: $ 1.00
Total: $ 30.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine..
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench..
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $ 50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $ 75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $ 20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!


New word for election process - election joke

I knew someone would find a name for our election process for this year.

New word for election process - election joke

Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become

Toilet Paper - joke

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

CNN Alerts: My Custom Alert - scan spam email for phishing attempt

This new dangerous scam spam email to look like a CNN alert is hitting us heavy and hard. some of the links do in fact go to CNN and the logos are rip offs from.

Note that the story link goes to These are dangerous spammers stay away!

Your E-Mail Alerts
Alert Name: My Custom Alert

Hurrican moves dog 100 miles from home
Link goes to
Sat, 9 Aug 2008 09:49:26 -0300

FULL STORYLink goes to

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Thursday, August 7, 2008

Operation Kidsafe SafeStart Event - heavy spammers stay away!

These are heavy spammers> we got 5 versions of this spam today!

Now looking for a sponsor in your market.

* Want a showcase program for a grand opening.
* Chamber of Commerce event with several members involved.
* Have us as your focus for Kids Night at the Arena or Park.
* Looking for a great family event .
* Operation Kidsafe profiles your company/Organization as a leader for children and puts you in the media spotlight!

Great traffic = increased sales

Operation Kidsafe is endorsed by: Chrysler Corp Southwest and the Florida Auto Dealers Association

Special discounts have been arranged for Chrysler SWBC and FADA Dealers.

Recent and upcoming appearances at:

The San Antonio Home Builders Assoc. Parade of Homes-Chrysler SWBC-The Dallas Auto Show - New Orleans Auto Show- Kansas City Auto Show-St. Louis Auto Show-California Home Show-Iowa Stars Hockey weekend-Catfish Bend Casino's FUN CITY-Swedish Days Festival-The world's largest baby shower in Columbus, OH and thousands more

The Iowa Stars hockey team hosted the event for a weekend home stand. They focused on young fans and made it a great kids weekend at the rink. Over 600 families were served. The fans were impressed that the Stars did this foir their kids

Matt Swim
Marketing Director

Iowa Stars Hockey
Des Moines, IA Hockey Team

Great program to profile your department to the community. Latest and best digital equipment. Easy to get local businesses to support. Over 450 children attended the event in a town of 700. That show how far the draw was for this event.

Afton, WY Police Department

Lincoln County Sheriff's Office Police Department-Sheriff's Office

We served over 5000 children at the Illinois State fair sponsors by the Sec. of State. The machine was set up in their tent and brought families in for the service and additional safety information from the Sec. of State.

Jesse White

Illinois Sec. of State State Fair-Sec of State

"We had over 800 children at our event for two days. As a great bonus we also sold 26 cars. About three times what we normally would have sold. We had families every where”

Ray Voyda - Co Owner
Freedom Chevrolet
217-965-3327 Auto Dealer

" The program was our centerpiece for our booth at the “Hot August Nights” celebration in Lewiston.We can’t say enough good things about Operation Kidsafe. The equipment is just amazing. Their staff person was so great with the kids and families. I urge any Realtor or just any business interested in getting that special marketing attention and advantage that we all seek, to host an Operation Kidsafe Event.”

Linda Joyner-Jones

Quad Cities Realty

208-798-7798 Realtor

"The Operation Kidsafe program was a great success at our dealership. The community involvement was absolutely off the charts The customers loved your staff that handled the actual process and made everyone feel very comfortable. Your involvement in getting our local Police and Fire departments was a great addition to our event.

Now for the good news. The traffic that weekend was the best all month. We delivered more vehicles that Friday and Saturday than the previous four days. The overflow into the next week provided us with additional opportunities that really made your event a special one.
Lionel Crooks
General Sales Manger."
Lionel Crooks-GSM

Jarrett-Scott Ford Plant City, FL

813-752-4171 Auto Dealer

"We hosted Operation Kidsafe to help generate traffic for our cash and carry massive flooring sale. A huge turnout and record sales. Well worth the small investment. Families flock to this event"

Ron Metzger

Metzger Flooring Center

217-774-7711 Flooring Center

"We invited Operation Kidsafe to our local Swedish Days festival two years in a row. Very strong results. High quality program. We are having them back for the 3rd time to another Hospital program in July of 2008. Hard to find good community partners, Operation Kidsafe is a great choice."

Brian Griffin - Marketing Director

Delnor Community Hospital

630-208-3994 Hospital

“On behalf of First Citizens Bank & Trust, I would like to thank all of the staff at Operation Kidsafe for helping us execute a very successful grand opening event for our new branches in Augusta, Georgia. Your staff person was very knowledgeable and personable with the families that came into the bank. Throughout the process they ensured a successful event for us.

Mark Bott was instrumental in helping us obtain media coverage, which had a direct impact on the number of families that attended our event.

We look forward to working with Operation Kidsafe again in the future.”

Debbie Moise

First Citizens Bank -Marketing Specialist Bank


* We have been granted the rights to take this technology on the road for an appearance at your location.
* These machines are dedicated to only fingerprinting children world-wide.
* Local press enjoys covering this story and helping get the word out about this World Class equipment.
* Your company will be in the local child safety spotlight.
* We ask all local radio stations for Public Service Announcements on your behalf.
* We handle the press releases and media follow-up.
* Operation KidSafe trained Staff Technician will attend your event and work with families.
* All supplies , staff fee, and equipment are included as a part of the program.
* 10,000 flyers distributed to Schools, day cares and churches.
* Your company name is displayed on each bio document that parents takes home.
____ We want information on Operation Kidsafe if it is still available in our area.

Fax this form to 217-529-6427 and we will send you a full sponsor package.

Company Name ___________________________________ Contact _______________________

City ____________________________________ State ______________

Phone _______________________ Fax ______________________


Operation Kidsafe

2335 Chesapeake Landing
Springfield, IL 62712
Phone 217-585-4061
Toll free phone 866-962-5487
Fax 217-529-6427
Image Events
2335 Chesapeake Landing - Springfield, IL 62712 US

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

John McCain and Sons - true and false story

Finally a true email! Well and then a lie.

This is an interesting email as it starts honest and forthright and then slams Obama by intentionally misrepresenting a quote from his book.

A good honest story then turned into false propaganda.

John McCain does have sons in the military
but the slam at the end of this email misquotes Obama out of context and draws the opposite conclusion. Obama is referring to Americans and the email makes it appear he is against Americans.

Talk about putting your most valuable where your mouth is! Apparently this was not 'newsworthy' enough for the media to comment about. Can either of the other presidential candidates truthfully come close to this? ... Just a question for each of us to seek an answer, and not a statement.

You see...character is what's shown when the public is not looking. There were no cameras or press invited to what you are about to read about, and the story comes from one person in New Hampshire.

One evening last July, Senator John McCain of Arizona arrived at the New Hampshire home of Erin Flanagan for sandwiches, chocolate-chip cookies and a heartfelt talk about Iraq. They had met at a presidential debate, when she asked the candidates what they would do to bring home American soldiers - - soldiers like her brother, who had been killed in action a few months earlier.

Mr. McCain did not bring cameras or press. Instead, he brought his youngest son, James McCain, 19, then a private first class in the Marine Corps about to leave for Iraq. Father and son sat down to hear more about Ms. Flanagan's brother Michael Cleary, a 24-year-old Army First Lieutenant killed by an ambush...a roadside bomb.

No one mentioned the obvious: In just days, Jimmy McCain could face similar perils. 'I can't imagine what it must have been like for them as they were coming to meet with a family that...' Ms. Flanagan recalled, choking up. 'We lost a dear one,' she finished.

Mr. McCain, now the presumptive Republican nominee, has staked his candidacy on the promise that American troops can bring stability to Iraq. What he almost never says is that one of them is his own son, who spent seven months patrolling Anbar Province and learned of his father's New Hampshire victory in January while he was digging a stuck military vehicle out of the mud.
Two of Jimmy's three older brothers went into the military. Doug McCain, 48, was a Navy pilot. Jack McCain, 21, is to graduate from the Naval Academy next year, raising the chances that his father, if elected, could become the first president since Dwight D. Eisenhower with a son at war.

I chose to share this with those who I believe will pass it on, to others who will pass it on. We hear so much inflated trash out there. How about a simple act of kindness ... and dedication to others placed above oneself?

Has anybody heard if Barack Hussein Obama has served in The American Armed Services?

If any of you plan on voting for Obama I feel you need to read his book……

From Barack's book, Audacity of Hope:

'I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction.'


Well this part of the Email is not true.

"I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction."

This is a corruption of a quote from Obama's book The Audacity of Hope. It is from a section that talks about the concerns of immigrants who are American citizens. Here is the accurate and more complete quote:

"Of course, not all my conversations in immigrant communities follow this easy pattern. In the wake of 9/11, my meetings with Arab and Pakistani Americans, for example, have a more urgent quality, for the stories of detentions and FBI questioning and hard stares from neighbors have shaken their sense of security and belonging. They have been reminded that the history of immigration in this country has a dark underbelly; they need specific assurances that their citizenship really means something, that America has learned the right lessons from the Japanese internments during World War II, and that I will stand with them should the political winds shift in an ugly direction."

Kind of changes the meaning of that quote doesn’t it? Do you see the word Muslim in that quote? Of more than 150 different stories that have come into my inbox for fact checking, only 1 proved to be true.

Eisenhower in Dachau – False email bashing Muslims

Again yet another false slanderous email bashing Muslims claiming they have made something happen that they never did. This false Muslim email was first using English schools as the subject of its phony expose.

I must get no less than 5 Muslim bashing emails a day. Funny thing is if we changed the words to of the fake stories to read Catholics or Jews I don’t think they would be forwarded as much.

This email clearly shows we have not learned from WWII. Prejudice and hate are deplorable and those spreading false stories nowadays without checking them out are just as bad as those cretins writing these slanderous slimy emails.

I could be wrong but the photo sent with this email does not seem to show Jewish death camp survivors. Among other things they arrear to be far too well feed.

If you don't forward anything else, forward this!!!!

It's Worth Repeating Over And Over Again......

It is a matter of history that when Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces, General Dwight Eisenhower, found the victims of the death camps, he ordered all possible photographs to be taken, and for the German people from surrounding villages to be ushered through the camps and even made to bury the dead..

He did this because he said in words to this effect:
'Get it all on record now - get the films - get the witnesses - because somewhere down the track of history some bastard will get up and say that this never happened. All that is necessary for the triumph of evil, is for good men to do nothing'.

Eisenhower in Dachau – False email bashing Muslims

This week, the University of Kentucky removed The Holocaust from its school curriculum because it 'offended' the Muslim population which claims it never occurred.

This is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world and how easily each country is giving into it.

It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended.

This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the 6 million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated with the German and Russian peoples looking the other way!

Now, more than ever, with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be 'a myth,' it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets.

This e-mail is intended to reach 40 million people worldwide! Be a link in the memorial chain and help distribute this around the world. Don't just delete this. It will only take a minute to pass this along.

Read here about the false urban legend about University of Kentucky.

By the way, the Americans and the Vatican knew for years about the death camps and choose to do nothing. America went so far as to send Jews away from the US back to their death.

Guts or Balls - joke

There is a medical distinction. We have all heard all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below.

A husband is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by his wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

Another husband is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Nagging - mule and wife joke

All You Need To Know About Nagging..

A farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully from morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.

Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Mars Approaching

Subject: Mars Approaching

The Red Planet is about to be spectacular!

Mars Approaching
This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the Last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again.

The encounter will culminate on August 27th when Mars comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide. At a modest 75-power magnification

Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye.

Mars will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10 pm and reach its azimuth at about 3 am.

By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30 am. That's pretty convenient to see something that no human being has seen in recorded history. So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month.

moon and mars

Share this with your children and grandchildren.

No One Alive Today Will Ever See This Again!

Monday, August 4, 2008

arthritis - joke

A drunken man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Obama Removes American Flag from His Plane

Obama Removes American Flag From His Plane
Barack Obama recently finished a $500,000 total overhaul of his 757. And as part of the new design, he decided to remove the American flag from the tail.

What American running for President of the United States would remove the symbol of his country? And worse, he replaced the flag with it with a symbol of himself.

top Tail of Obamas planeTurns out this email is true – but with an explanation. While the airplane was complete refitted inside and out, the flags were replaced from stylized trademarked company logos that were North American's airlines commercial markings to the red white and blue Obama "O" campaign logo. The standard square flag by the registration number remains (see below).

Obama could have replaced the stylized flag logo which he could not use due to trade mark issues with a standard rectangular American Flag. This was obviously poor choice on his point considering how much mud has been slung at him about his patriotism.

Further information about Obama removing the American flag from his airplane.

Please Support Me to raise money for Stem Cell Transplants I am a Virtual Walker with my sisterinlaw Nancy. The ride is this Weekend.

Determination: Real good cause - please get behind this!

Nancy Cantor is my sister-in-law and has participated in this ride for many years. Thanks for supporting us. Love, Laura

Cancer touches all of us. All too often we hear of someone who is facing the challenges of this disease. Thankfully, there are new developments in how stem cell transplants can help cure cancer patients.

That is why I became a Virtual Rider with the Stem Cell Cyclists, a PMC team that funds the leading edge stem cell research of Dr. Corey Cutler. His work at Dana Farber can provide millions of people with safe transplants that will lead to their full recovery.

The team also supports Pedal Partner, Declan Rourke, a 3-year old, recovering from brain cancer. After being treated at Dana Farber, he is back to school and back to his life.

We fundraise so many more like Declan can have the same great treatment and cure.

On August 2nd & 3rd, my fundraising partner, Nancy Cantor, will be riding in the Pan Mass Challenge (PMC), a bike-a-thon from Wellesley to Provincetown. The PMC supports the efforts of the Jimmy Fund and the Dana Farber Cancer Research Center in Boston.

If you have been touched by cancer and share my commitment,

Please make a donation to support this important research that will enable those diagnosed with cancer to live a full and contributory life.

Please become a virtual rider and fundraising partner—like me and make an even larger contribution to this cause---I can show you how.

The easiest and fastest way to make your donation is on-line. Click or go to: Make a Donation GiftID=NC0024
If you prefer, donations by check, they can be made payable to PMC/Jimmy Fund and send to Nancy Cantor, 27 Tri Street, Ashland, MA 01721-2023. Either way, your donation is fully tax deductible.

If your company matches contributions, please send the form along.

Thanks in advance for your generosity.

Laura L, FL

Nancy is my sister-in-law and has ridden many years for this cause. Thanks again. LL

A small request: All you are asked to do is keep this circulating.

A small request: All you are asked to do is keep this circulating.
Sent to me by Laura a 2 time surviver who is still going strong

Dear God,

I pray for the cure of cancer.


In memory of anyone you know that has been struck down by cancer or is still living with it.

A Candle Loses Nothing by Lighting Another Candle.

Please Keep This Candle Going!

There will be a cure.

Thank you

Indians don't Use Saddles - funny joke


A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'

Friday, August 1, 2008

Who is the joke on now??

Josephine was a church appointed morals director who seemed to stick her nose in everyones private affairs.

Most of the church members frowned on her gossiping ways but they kept their distance and were silent about their opinions of Josephine.

One church gathering day she accused Mark, a new follower of the church that he was an alcoholic since she saw his car parked in front of a well known ginmill,for four hours.She announced this fact in front of the church group,anyone seeing his car there at the ginmill would know what he was doing there.

Mark just gave her a cunning look and walked away not denying or defending his sobriety.

Later that night Mark parked his car in front of Josephine's house and left it there all night.