A Dog's Diary and a Cat's Diary

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

A Short Love Story About A Train Ride

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying: 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed..

'Good,'she replied: 'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence he farted.

The End

Thank you for accommodating our investigation

Thank you for accommodating our investigation: New well written letter promoting the same old scam. This is a typical scam email. Eventually they will ask for money and you will get nothing except maybe a worthless check that will bounce. never answer spam scam emails like this.

Please pardon me as I am aware that this is not a conventional way of relaying an important message such as this. I did try without success to locate either your contact address or fax number and as such, I resorted in contacting you via email.

My name is Mr. Johnson J. Watts, a senior partner in the firm of JJW Consults Inc, in Buckinghamshire, United Kingdom; we are a Private Investigators, Security Consultants and Financial Managers. We are conducting a standard process investigation/Recommendation on behalf of African Development Bank Group (ADB), The African Investment Banking Conglomerate in conjunction with standard Bank International London thus will be referred to as our clients.

This investigation involves an account holder (Name Withheld) who bears same surname with you and also the circumstances surrounding his investments at ADB Invest Account, the Investment Banking arm of African Development Bank Group. The ADB Private Investment client died intestate and nominated no successor in title over the investments made with the bank amounting to over SEVEN Million US Dollars. The essence of this communication with you is to request that you provide us information/comments on any or all of the four issues as regards nominating you to inherit the fund left behind by this client.

Your answers and response(s) to the questions raised below will determine our recommendation to the ADB towards legally appointing you to inherit this investment fund after certified investigation has yielded results showing that there is no known relation of the deceased client.

1-Are you aware of any relative/relation born on the 2nd of February 1951, who bears your same surname whose last known contact address was Angola.

2-Are you aware of any investment of considerable value made by such a person at the Investment Banking Division of ADB Bank Group?

3-Can you confirm your willingness to accept this inheritance if you are legally and legitimately appointed.

4-Would you agree to donate part of this inheritance to charity if you are officially approved to stand as the inheritor?

It is pertinent that you inform us ASAP whether or not you are familiar with this personality or and your interest towards the issues mentioned.

You must appreciate that we are constrained from providing you with more detailed information at this point. We will provide you with additional information upon receipt of your response.

Thank you for accommodating our inquiry.

Mr. Johnson J. Watts
For: JJW Consults Inc.
7 Lancaster Road
Cressex Business Park
High Wycombe
HP12 3QP
Buckinghamshire, UK
+44 8715035681

No Speak English - joke

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The only problem was that the poor lady was not very proficient in English. Although she did manage to communicate with her husband, she had a real problem whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts; again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Securely View Your PATA Award - scam spam email

Securely View Your PATA Award is an obvious scam spam email. Note the free yahoo email account

JAPAN CULTURE & TOURISM BOARD.
PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD
PACIFIC ASIA TRAVEL ASSOCIATION (PATA)
BEIJING FORUM (CHINA)

PACIFIC ASIA TRAVEL ASSOCIATION (PATA) OFFICIAL PRIZE NOTIFICATION

Attention: Winner

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held by Japan Culture & Tourism Board in conjunction with the Pacific Asia Travel Association (PATA) Worldwide Promotion. Your email address was among the 20 Lucky winners who won US$750, 000.00 (Seven Hundred And Fifty Thousand United State Dollars) each on the Pacific Asia Travel Association (PATA) Promotion dated as stated above. This is from the total price of Fifteen Million United State Dollars shared among the 20 lucky winners. You are therefore approved for a lump payment of US$750, 000.00 (Seven Hundred And Fifty Thousand United State Dollars).

However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses were assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy. The results were released and your email attached to ticket number (PATA810-000-0143) and ballot/serial number (207-01) was selected.

The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection machine (TOPAZ) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world.

This Lottery is approved by the PATA Gaming Board and also Licensed by the The International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public about our products and services, with a view to giving back to society and promoting our business.

As indicated by the computerized selection machine, your lucky winning number falls within our CHINA booklet representative office in GUANGDONG as showed in the coupon.

For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information confidential till your claim is processed and your money remitted to you through bank to bank transfer method.
This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program.

In other to claim your US$750,000.00 won prize, which has been deposited in a designated bank, you will have to fill the form below and send it to the promotion manager of THE PACIFIC ASIA TRAVEL ASSOCIATION (PATA) (CHINA ZONE) for verification and then you will be directed to the bank where your won prize of US$750, 000.00 has already been deposited with a bank for bank to bank transfer in your favour.

NAME:.....................................
AGE:........................................
SEX:........................................
ADDRESS:(RESIDENT ADDRESS ONLY)...............................
EMAIL:....................................
PHONE:...................................
OCCUPATION:.........................
AMOUNT WON........................
COUNTRY:...............................

Please you are adviced to complete the form and send it immediately to the Promotion Manager's Office through email for prompt collection of your won prize.
(PROMOTION MANAGER'S OFFICE)
EMAIL: promoagentch@yahoo.cn

You're to keep all the Lotto information away from the general public especially your ticket number and ballot/serial number. (this is important as a case of double claiming will not be entertained)

WARNING !!
*Staff of Pacific Asia Travel Association (PATA) the Airlines, Hotels and Companies are not allowed to partake in this Lottery*.

Note: This program is sponsored by: Pacific Asia Travel Association (PATA) Only.

Accept my hearty congratulations once again!

Yours faithfully,

Mrs. Ku-Shing Jiang
PROMOTION COORDINATOR

Simple Craigslist System for Making Money -scam email spam

(This low life spammer sent this scam email to a harvested email address and this Craigslist scam is using a Gmail account - a sure sign of a rip off!)

Hello!

I couldn't wait till the morning to share this great experience I had and still having. I am a little excited, so please excuse me, if I am disturbing you, but I had to share this with as many people as possible. I have your email from a friend, who asked me to share this with you too, so if you are interested you can also do it.

I am talking about the Craigslist Kit I recently signed up for and received for absolutely free, as a free trial. This is awesome! I could never quite grasp how money could be made with Craigslist, until now. Everything is so easy to understand. This has opened my eyes to a new way of making money using Craigslist, one that I would never have thought of. I am so thankful to these guys, that they advised me that they are giving away free trial Craigslist kits, so I joined and took advantage of that offer immediately. You cannot loose anything if you try this, as it is a Free Trial Kit.

Get your free trial kit today! If you are interested to take it, send them an email to sammartino.antonette1228@gmail.com so they can send you back more instructions on how to order the free trial kit - that's what I did. They say offers are limited, so hurry up!

Enjoy!

Regards

From an AARP Forum: Things Everyone Should Know!

From an AARP Forum: Things Everyone Should Know!

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

Dear Abby sometimes doesn't have all the answers

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Prostate Check

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two .. Three'.

From Gynecologist to Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Vacancies available

What a scam. Of course this email was sent to a fictitious spam account and no one had ever sent a resume or posted one online.

Hello,

You have received this message with regards to your resume and you meet our criteria. My name is Elsa Muller and I’m plenipotentiary manager of SionEnge. We are one of the most prestigious manufacturers of exclusive jewelry production in Europe. The company has sales and manufacturing operations in all of the major markets in Europe and Asia. As truly global organization, the company is looking to grow their sales function in the US.

We are currently looking to hire purchasing managers in the US. The main idea of this position based on price differences of local markets in the US, Europe and Asia. This job would take only a few hours per week and may become a good additional income for you. You may continue working with your primary employment or a running business and still cooperate with us.
Previous experience is preferred, but not required.

We are an immediately open for a Marketing director position to fill needed management position which include overseeing the US clients. You will play a key role in developing our business within your territory area.

Should you accept this offer you'll be eligible to receive the following:
• Fixed salary
• Performance Bonuses
• Qualified support of the skilled manager • Work in one of the best team of the Europe

We provide an annual salary of $48,000/year plus bonuses. You will get flexible scheme of work and work in optimal time for you.

It's not a multi-level marketing, not sales position and absolutely free for start.
We trust that your knowledge, skills and experience will be among our most valuable assets.

If interested, please send your resume, covering letter and your questions ONLY to email address: muller.elsa.senge@gmail.com

I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards,
Elsa Muller

Why I don't read the NY Times

A biker was riding by the zoo, when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumped off his bike, ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.

A reporter saw the whole scene, and addressing the biker, said, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing,' said the biker, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

'I noticed a patch on your jacket,’ said the journalist.

'Yeah, I ride with an Israeli motorcycle club,' the biker replied.

'Well, I’ll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist with the Times, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the front page.'

The following morning the biker bought the paper to see if it indeed brought out the news of his actions. On the front page was the headline: 'ISRAELI GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

creative

Drug Test - Urine or You're Out

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their rump- --, doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.

To Kill an American: Written by an Australian Dentist

You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is. So they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!)

'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as Native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.

The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet Army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan . Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place, they are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

California 159 years ago

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850 - 159 years ago?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Economic Stimulus Package

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is
a very exciting new program that is explained here using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set or a new computer thus stimulating the economy.
,
Q. But isn't that only stimulating China's economy?
A.. Shut up.

Blonde at the Casino

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from ALABAMA arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, 'Come on, baby... Southern Girl needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers ... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll??

The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'