THINGS THEY DIDN'T TEACH IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
14. WASPs leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?," Moshe asked."Yes, or no," she replied.
9. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name . . . and forgot to write a letter.
10. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently,
"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
And one final favorite:
11. A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Harry Truman - a different kind of President
Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.
The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited The house from her mother and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.
When he retired from office in 1952, his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year..
After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.
When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."
Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."
As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.
Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices.Political offices are now for sale. (sic. Illinois )
Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!
A boys choices
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Some Doctors Concerns Regarding New Health Care Plan Phony Email
Just call the Doctors office listed below to see if it is scam or not yourself!
The sky is falling the sky is falling!
Hide your Grandmother from the government because Socialists grind up grandmas to make tasty tacos to feed illegal Mexican aliens with your tax dollars.
Hi Everyone,
There is more than a likelihood that a lot of us will have problems with the "NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN. Please read this one and think about the situation, reacting whenever you can.
With warm regards,
Here is a letter I sent to Senator Bayh. Feel free to copy it and send it around to our other representatives.
Stephen Fraser, MD
July 23, 2009
Senator Bayh,
As a practicing physician I have major concerns with the healthcare bill before Congress. I actually have read the bill and am shocked by the brazenness of the government's proposed involvement in the patient physician relationship. The very idea that the government will dictate and ration patient care is dangerous and certainly not helpful in designing a healthcare system that works for all. Every physician I work with agrees that we need to fix our healthcare system, but the proposed bills currently making their way through congress will be a disaster if passed.
I ask you respectfully and as a patriotic American to look at the following troubling lines that I have read in the bi ll. You cannot possibly believe that these proposals are in the best interests of the country and our fellow citizens.
Page 22 of the HC Bill: Mandates that the Govt will audit books of all employers that self insure!!
Page 30 Sec 123 of HC bill - THERE WILL BE A GOVT COMMITTEE that decides what treatments/benefits you get.
Page 29 lines 4-16 in the HC bill: YOUR HEALTH CARE IS RATIONED!!!
Page 42 of HC Bill:The Health Choices Commissioner will choose your HC Benefits for you. You have no choice!
Page 50 Section 152 in HC bill: HC will be provided to ALL non US citizens, illegal or otherwise
Page 58 HC Bill: Govt will have real-time access to individuals finances & a National ID Healthcard will be issued!
Page 59 HC Bill lines 21-24: Govt will have direct access to you ur banks accounts for elective funds transfer.
Page 65 Sec 164: is a payoff subsidized plan for retirees and their families in Unions & community organizations: (ACORN).
Page 84 Sec 203 HC bill: Govt mandates ALL benefit packages for private HC plans in the Exchange.
Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications for of Benefit Levels for Plans = The Govt will ration your Healthcare!
Page 91 Lines 4-7 HC Bill: Govt mandates linguistic appropriate services. Example - Translation: illegal aliens.
Page 95 HC Bill Lines 8-18: The Govt will use groups i.e., ACORN & Americorps to sign up individuals for Govt HC plan.
Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications of Benefit Levels for Plans. AARP members - your Health care WILL be rationed.
Page 102 Lines 12-18 HC Bill: Medicaid Eligible Individuals will be automatically enrolled in Medicaid. No choice.
Page 124 lines 24-25 HC: No company can sue GOVT on price fixing. No "judicial review" against Govt Monopoly.
Page 127 Lines 1-16 HC Bill: Doctors/ American Medical Association - The Govt will tell YOU what you can make! (salary)
Page 145 Line 15-17: An Employer MUST auto enroll employees into public option plan. NO CHOICE!
Page 126 Lines 22-25: Employers MUST pay for HC for part time employees AND their families.
Page 149 Lines 16-24: ANY Employer with payroll 401k & above who does not provide public option pays 8% tax on all payroll.
Page 150 Lines 9-13: Business's with payroll btw 251k & 401k who doesn't provide public option pays 2-6% tax on all payroll.
Page 167 Lines 18-23: ANY individual who doesn't have acceptable HC according to Govt will be taxed 2.5% of income.
Page 170 Lines 1-3 HC Bill: Any NONRESIDENT Alien is exempt from individual taxes. (Americans will pay)
Page 195 HC Bill: Officers & employees of HC Admin (GOVT) will have access to ALL Americans finances /personal records.
Page 203 Line 14-15 HC: "The tax imposed under this section shall not be treated as tax" Yes, it says that!
Page 239 Line 14-24 HC Bill: Govt will reduce physician services for Medicaid Seniors, low income and poor are affected.
Page 241 Line 6-8 HC Bill: Doctors, doesn't matter what specialty you have, you'll all be paid the20same!
Page 253 Line 10-18: Govt sets value of Doctor's time, proffession, judgment etc. Literally value of humans.
Page 265 Sec 1131: Govt mandates & controls productivity for private HC industries.
Page 268 Sec 1141: Federal Govt regulates rental & purchase of power driven wheelchairs.
Page 272 SEC. 1145: TREATMENT OF CERTAIN CANCER HOSPITALS - Cancer patients - welcome to rationing!
Page 280 Sec 1151: The Govt will penalize hospitals for whatever Govt deems preventable re-admissions.
Page 298 Lines 9-11: Doctors, treat a patient during initial admission that results in a re-admission -Govt will penalize you.
Page 317 L 13-20: PROHIBITION on ownership/investment. Govt tells Doctors what/how much they can own!
Page 317-318 lines 21-25, 1-3: PROHIBITION on expansion- Govt is mandating hospitals cannot expand.
Page 321 2-13: Hospitals have opportunity to apply for exception BUT community input is required. Can u say ACORN?!!
Page 335 L 16-25 Pg 336-339: Govt mandates establishment of outcome based measures. HC the way they want. Rationing.
Page 341 Lines 3-9: Govt has authority to disqualify Medicare Advance Plans, HMOs, etc. Forcing people into Govt plan.
Page 354 Sec 1177: Govt will RESTRICT enrollment of Special needs people! Unbelievable!
Page 379 Sec 1191: Govt creates more bureaucracy - Tele-health Advisory Comittee. Can you say HC by phone?
Page 425 Lines 4-12: Govt mandates Advance Care Planning Consult. Think Senior Citizens end of life patients.
Page 425 Lines 17-19: Govt will instruct & consult regarding living wills, durable powers of attorney. Mandatory!
Page 425 Lines 22-25, 426 Lines 1-3: Govt provides approved list of end of life resources, guiding you in death. (assisted suicide)
Page 427 Lines 15-24: Govt mandates program for orders for end of life. The Govt has a say in how your life ends.
Page 429 Lines 1-9: An "advanced care planning consultant" will be used frequently as patients health deteriorates.
Page 429 Lines 10-12: "advanced care consultation" may include an ORDER for end of life plans. AN ORDER from GOVT!
Page 429 Lines 13-25: The govt will specify which Doctors can write an end of life order.
Page 430 Lines 11-15: The Govt will decide what level of treatment you will have at end of life!
Page 469: Community Based Home Medical Services = Non profit organizations. Hello, ACORN Medical Services here!!?
Page 472 Lines 14-17: PAYMENT TO COMMUNITY-BASED ORIGINATION. 1 monthly payment 2 a community-based organization. Like ACORN?
Page 489 Sec 1308: The Govt will cover Marriage & Family therapy. Which means they will insert Govt into your marriage.
Page 494-498: Govt will cover Mental Health Services including defining, creating, rationing those services.
Senator, I guarantee that I personally will do everything possible to inform patients and my fellow physicians about the dangers of the proposed bills you and your colleagues are debating.
Furthermore, If you vote for a bill that enforces socialized medicine on the country and destroys the doctor/patient relationship, I will do everything in my power to make sure you lose your job in the next election.
Respectfully,
Stephen E Fraser MD
SLOAN GORDON, DPM, FACFAS
Board Certified Surgery of the Foot & Ankle • Wound Care
7500 Beechnut St. - Houston, TX
713-988-6600 — F 713-988-8850 — www.myfootdoc.com
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Verizon SMTP outgoing mail problem with AT&T accounts fixed.
Both Verizon and AT&T have horrendous technical help and terrible customer service.
Verizon has announced that it will no longer support a special SMTP mail server that it offered its clients because of poor compatibility with other ISPs leaving valuable customers such as me out in the cold.
What does this mean? Well if you use a pop email client such as Microsoft Outlook or Outlook express or many smart phones such as my Palm TREO and you want to send an email from your AT&T email address when using your Verizon service you are screwed.
After hours on the phone with Verizon, they could not solve my issue and get my email to work. They kept pointing the finger at AT&T but whatever ISP I have ever used to send and receive mail other than Verizon it worked fine and the “work around” they supplied (a Verizon SMTP server) worked – I blame them for making something that worked and I need no longer work.
AT&T was just as bad if not worse. After more than 45 minutes with their tech support lady who had me make changes to various settings in my Outlook program all of which I told her I had already done with Verizon and none of which worked she told me there was nothing more that she could do as she exhausted all of her instructions in her computer. I asked that she accelerate my issue with a more advanced tech specialist and she said they would get back to me.
Almost 48 hours passed and no return call from AT&T so I called them. I clearly explained to the person who finally picked up my call the problem I had and that I needed an advanced tech specialist. Rather that listen to what I said I had to waste at least another half hour changing settings.
When I asked the new guy to accelerate me to a more advanced tech or supervisor he refused to do it and sent me to another AT&T department and those idiots wanted to change me $99! I refused to pay and I was finally sent to the "billing and retention" department who said they waived the charges "in 2 places".
I called the advanced technical support after 3pm (by this time I spent more than 3-1/2 hours on the phone with AT&T this day alone and it took them 50 minutes to make an appointment for a tech to get back to me. Mind you people pay AT&T $99 for this service! The appointment they made with me was for 8 am the following day (soonest daytime hour I could get) with a 1 hour window.
By 9:02 I realized they would not call me and I was hunting for my cordless phone when I received a call from AT&T asking me to reschedule my appointment and the soonest they had was 1 pm. I was ballistic. When I asked to get the first possible tech I was told that’s when it would be. When I asked for a supervisor I was there were none there. I asked to have one call me immediately as soon as one came in.
At 10:50 I still did not have a tech call me nor did a supervisor call. Waiting on hold for more than 20 minutes I got a human and I was told I was never scheduled to have a tech call me that the caller at 9:03 am did not schedule me for the next tech nor did they ask to have a supervisor call me.
I insisted I need a tech NOW and I was told I would get a call between 11:30 and and 12:30 pm. I then asked to speak to a supervisor and was told none were available. I said I would wait on hold until one would become available at which time I was told I cannot wait on hold and I was hung up on! For this level of service customer are supposed to PAY $99!!!
I did get a call from a tech named Charles who remotely took over my computer. In about 10 minutes he exhausted the same settings everyone else did. I really at this point did not expect him to be able to fix the problem and was already weighing out what legal action to take. He said he would research the problem and call me back.
20 minutes later the problem was solved and after testing it a few times it works like a champ.
Here are all the settings that need to be done in outlook in order to get AT&T mail to be able to be sent through a PC using outlook on a Verizon high speed (that’s a joke) cellular card.
If someone is having issues with AT&T on FIOS let us know if this works.
On the Main Tab
Click on "More Settings" button
Under "Outgoing Server" Tab
Under "Advanced" Tab
Click the "Ok" Button
Click "Test Account Settings" and it should now work
Shame on Verizon and AT&T. I can't wait to drop both of them when any other service comes up here and I still need a work around for my TREO using VersaMail!
Update 9/12/2012
Changed phones from a Treo to a Motorola Droid more than a year ago. Still have no fix to send my mail from Verizon through my AT&T account. The service from both Verizon and AT&T with this and many other issues I have is deplorable.
Verizon has announced that it will no longer support a special SMTP mail server that it offered its clients because of poor compatibility with other ISPs leaving valuable customers such as me out in the cold.
What does this mean? Well if you use a pop email client such as Microsoft Outlook or Outlook express or many smart phones such as my Palm TREO and you want to send an email from your AT&T email address when using your Verizon service you are screwed.
After hours on the phone with Verizon, they could not solve my issue and get my email to work. They kept pointing the finger at AT&T but whatever ISP I have ever used to send and receive mail other than Verizon it worked fine and the “work around” they supplied (a Verizon SMTP server) worked – I blame them for making something that worked and I need no longer work.
AT&T was just as bad if not worse. After more than 45 minutes with their tech support lady who had me make changes to various settings in my Outlook program all of which I told her I had already done with Verizon and none of which worked she told me there was nothing more that she could do as she exhausted all of her instructions in her computer. I asked that she accelerate my issue with a more advanced tech specialist and she said they would get back to me.
Almost 48 hours passed and no return call from AT&T so I called them. I clearly explained to the person who finally picked up my call the problem I had and that I needed an advanced tech specialist. Rather that listen to what I said I had to waste at least another half hour changing settings.
When I asked the new guy to accelerate me to a more advanced tech or supervisor he refused to do it and sent me to another AT&T department and those idiots wanted to change me $99! I refused to pay and I was finally sent to the "billing and retention" department who said they waived the charges "in 2 places".
I called the advanced technical support after 3pm (by this time I spent more than 3-1/2 hours on the phone with AT&T this day alone and it took them 50 minutes to make an appointment for a tech to get back to me. Mind you people pay AT&T $99 for this service! The appointment they made with me was for 8 am the following day (soonest daytime hour I could get) with a 1 hour window.
By 9:02 I realized they would not call me and I was hunting for my cordless phone when I received a call from AT&T asking me to reschedule my appointment and the soonest they had was 1 pm. I was ballistic. When I asked to get the first possible tech I was told that’s when it would be. When I asked for a supervisor I was there were none there. I asked to have one call me immediately as soon as one came in.
At 10:50 I still did not have a tech call me nor did a supervisor call. Waiting on hold for more than 20 minutes I got a human and I was told I was never scheduled to have a tech call me that the caller at 9:03 am did not schedule me for the next tech nor did they ask to have a supervisor call me.
I insisted I need a tech NOW and I was told I would get a call between 11:30 and and 12:30 pm. I then asked to speak to a supervisor and was told none were available. I said I would wait on hold until one would become available at which time I was told I cannot wait on hold and I was hung up on! For this level of service customer are supposed to PAY $99!!!
I did get a call from a tech named Charles who remotely took over my computer. In about 10 minutes he exhausted the same settings everyone else did. I really at this point did not expect him to be able to fix the problem and was already weighing out what legal action to take. He said he would research the problem and call me back.
20 minutes later the problem was solved and after testing it a few times it works like a champ.
Here are all the settings that need to be done in outlook in order to get AT&T mail to be able to be sent through a PC using outlook on a Verizon high speed (that’s a joke) cellular card.
If someone is having issues with AT&T on FIOS let us know if this works.
On the Main Tab
- Incoming Mail Server: pop.att.yahoo.com
- Outgoing Mail Server: smtp.att.yahoo.com
- Leave the "Require logon using Secure Password Authentication UNCHECKED
Click on "More Settings" button
Under "Outgoing Server" Tab
- "My outgoing server (SMTP) requires Authentication must be CHECKED
- "Use same settings as my incoming mail server" must be CHECKED
Under "Advanced" Tab
- Incoming server (POP3): 995
- "This server requires and encrypted connection (SSL)" is CHECKED
- Outgoing server (SMTP): 465
- "Use the following encrypted connection" SSL
Click the "Ok" Button
Click "Test Account Settings" and it should now work
Shame on Verizon and AT&T. I can't wait to drop both of them when any other service comes up here and I still need a work around for my TREO using VersaMail!
Update 9/12/2012
Changed phones from a Treo to a Motorola Droid more than a year ago. Still have no fix to send my mail from Verizon through my AT&T account. The service from both Verizon and AT&T with this and many other issues I have is deplorable.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck
After the accident Weeks later in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question." Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."
"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."
Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"
"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"
Mugging on downtown Atlanta
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Atlanta night before last.
I was the guy wearing the black jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our life. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn't expect you to actually poop in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your homies to come help mug us again.
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?!? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
PS Remember this motto...An armed society makes for a more civil and mannerly society!
I was the guy wearing the black jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our life. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn't expect you to actually poop in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your homies to come help mug us again.
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?!? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
PS Remember this motto...An armed society makes for a more civil and mannerly society!
An Obama dinner parable.
Once upon a time, I was invited to the White House for a private dinner with the President. I am a respected businessman, with a factory that produces memory chips for computers and portable electronics. There was some talk that my industry was being scrutinized by the administration, but I paid it no mind. I live in a free country. There's nothing that the government can do to me if I've broken no laws. My wealth was earned honestly, and an invitation to dinner with an American President is an honor.
I checked my coat, was greeted by the Chief of Staff, and joined the President in a yellow dining room. We sat across from each other at a table draped in white linen. The Great Seal was embossed on the china. Uniformed staff served our dinner.
The meal was served, and I was startled when my waiter suddenly reached out, plucked a dinner roll off my plate, and began nibbling it as he walked back to the kitchen.
"Sorry about that," said the President. "Andrew is very hungry."
"I don't appreciate..." I began, but as I looked into the calm brown eyes across from me, I felt immediately guilty and petty. It was just a dinner roll. "Of course," I concluded, and reached for my glass. Before I could, however, another waiter reached forward, took the glass away and swallowed the wine in a single gulp.
"And his brother Eric is very thirsty." said the President.
I didn't say anything. The President is testing my compassion, I
thought. I will play along. I don't want to seem unkind. My plate was whisked away before I had tasted a bite.
"Eric's children are also quite hungry."
With a lurch, I crashed to the floor. My chair had been pulled out from under me. I stood, brushing myself off angrily, and watched as it was carried from the room.
"And their grandmother can't stand for long."
I excused myself, smiling outwardly, but inside feeling like a fool. Obviously I had been invited to the White House to be sport for some game. I reached for my coat, to find that it had been taken. I turned back to the President.
"Their grandfather doesn't like the cold."
I wanted to shout - that was my coat! But again, I looked at the placid smiling face of my host and decided I was being a poor sport. I spread my hands helplessly and chuckled. Then I felt my hip pocket and realized my wallet was gone. I excused myself and walked to a phone on an elegant side table. I learned shortly that my credit cards had been maxed out, my bank accounts emptied, my retirement and equity portfolios had vanished, and my wife had been thrown out of our home. Apparently, the waiters and their families were moving in. The President hadn't moved or spoken as I learned all this, but finally I lowered the phone into its cradle and turned to face him.
"Andrew's whole family has made bad financial decisions. They haven't planned for retirement, and they need a house. They recently defaulted on a sub-prime mortgage. I told them they could have your home. They need it more than you do."
My hands were shaking. I felt faint. I stumbled back to the table and knelt on the floor. The President cheerfully cut his meat, ate his steak and drank his wine. I lowered my eyes and stared at the small grey circles on the tablecloth that were water drops.
"By the way," He added, "I have just signed an Executive Order nationalizing your factories. I'm firing you as head of your business. I'll be operating the firm now for the benefit of all mankind. There's a whole bunch of Erics and Andrews out there and they can't come to you for jobs groveling like beggars."
I looked up. The President dropped his spoon into the empty ramekin which had been his Creme Brulee. He drained the last drops of his wine. As the table was cleared, he lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair. He stared at me. I clung to the edge of the table as if were a ledge and I were a man hanging over an abyss. I thought of the years behind me, of the life I had lived. The life I had earned with a lifetime of work, risk and struggle. Why was I punished? How had I allowed it to be taken? What game had I played and lost? I looked across the table and noticed with some surprise that there was no game board between us.
What had I done wrong?
As if answering the unspoken thought, the President suddenly cocked his head, locked his empty eyes to mine, and bared a million teeth, chuckling wryly as he folded his hands.
"You should have stopped me at the dinner roll," he said.
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