The Why's of Men - jokes

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

One for the ladies.......
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ....'
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

When Cardboard Men Come In Handy - joke

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully Steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear Of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies And private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by The road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde "Those are my emergency flashers!"

IRISH PRIEST - Joke

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the Last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "A ye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

cute kid stories

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. the winner was:

A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

*********************************************

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family where one little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

*********************************************

On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was ?'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face...'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'

*********************************************

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

An eye witness account from New York City, on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,'was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.

'Are you God's wife?'

I was just reading your website - Search Engine spam

Yet another search engine optimization company spamming us that has a poor quality web site and of course who would want to do business with someone who spam’s other search engine optimization and internet marketing companies? Especially when they pick key words escapes that doesn’t mean much to us on a feeder site we haven’t worked on for years!

Good search engine optimization companies such as Mean SEO do not have to spam to get customers. As a matter of fact Mean SEO turns down more customers than they accept.

Sent From: Jason Cox

Via Email Jason@creativedigitalmedia.com

Subject: I was just reading your website

I was looking at websites under the keyword (removed) and came across your site (site removed). I see that you're ranked 15 on page 2 in google.

I'm not sure if you're aware of why you're ranked this low but more importantly how easy it is to start getting higher listings in search engine results.

All you need to do is some simple "link publicity" for your website and you could quickly hit the front page and work your way up to #1-#3.

... over the last 5 years we took the website www.weddix.de from only 50-100 clicks per day from Search Engines up to 49,000! clicks per day! (generating $23M in sales last year!)

How?

Well, by having quality articles written about this website which were then published by many blogs, web 2.0 websites, and many other well respected websites on the internet... amongst slowly adding hundreds and now tens of thousands of highly optimized content pages to his site.

We also took a site last year which was quickly losing its SEO rankings and using the same techniques got their site from:

BEFORE After (3 months later)

July 2007 Nov 2007

Google: 165,578 Google: 300,803

Yahoo: 11,076 Yahoo: 39,113

Google UK: 14,823 Google.co.UK: 12,242

Total: 191,477 Total: 352,158

... we doubled his traffic by basically do press releases with content about their company into many many web 2.0 networks, blogs, industry news sites, high PR news sites, article directories... you name it - we made his website "famous" online and google rewarded him greatly.

Now let me be completely honest with you - the keywords these clients paid to optimize were extremely competitive and thus relatively expensive to optimize.... and generate insane amounts of traffic.

We were paid over six figures for optimizing those two sites alone and the clients are making a huge ROI from their investment!

Your keyword: (Removed)

Is NOT competitive and I now have a large team to allow me to serve smaller businesses such as yours for pennies on the dollar - for a fraction of

what those clients paid - you too can enjoy the fruit's of Top 10 rankings in google for your target keywords.

I'd be happy to show you results in the first 30 days with NO money down - just to prove to you how good we really are at this.

If you'd be interested in seeing what we can do to ramp up your traffic --- I'd love to speak with you over the phone to go over the details of how our system works.

Just reply back with a good time to call and I will reply back with my call availability so that we can schedule a time that works for both of us!

Warmly,

Jason Cox

www.creativedigitalmedia.com

P.S. Checkout this article published by SEOMOZ where 24 of the worlds top Search Engine Optimization experts discuss the most important factors in SEO: http://www.seomoz.org/article/search-ranking-factors

... this is a good outline of the type of things we can help maximize on your website to push your rankings up, up, up!

Information about this spammer:

Domain Name: CREATIVEDIGITALMEDIA.COM

Registrant:
  Creative Digital Media, Inc.
  Joerg Weishaupt        (domains@creativedigitalmedia.com)
  P.O. Box 29502
  #35907
  Las Vegas
  Nevada,89126-9502
  US
  Tel. +001.8885017751

Creation Date: 01-Jul-2002
Expiration Date: 01-Jul-2009

Domain servers in listed order:
  ns1.tsp24.de
  b1.rsns.hosteurope.de


Administrative Contact:
  Creative Digital Media, Inc.
  Joerg Weishaupt        (domains@creativedigitalmedia.com)
  P.O. Box 29502
  #35907
  Las Vegas
  Nevada,89126-9502
  US
  Tel. +001.8885017751

Technical Contact:
  Creative Digital Media, Inc.
  Joerg Weishaupt        (domains@creativedigitalmedia.com)
  P.O. Box 29502
  #35907
  Las Vegas
  Nevada,89126-9502
  US
  Tel. +001.8885017751

Billing Contact:
  Creative Digital Media, Inc.
  Joerg Weishaupt        (domains@creativedigitalmedia.com)
  P.O. Box 29502
  #35907
  Las Vegas
  Nevada,89126-9502
  US
    Tel. +001.8885017751

High price of gas joke

I went to the gas station today for $5 worth of gas and the clerk farted and handed me a receipt!

Adult Learning Center For Men - joke

Adult Learning Center For Men Registration Must Be Completed By Friday, August 17th 2008

1. How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


2. The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


3. Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


4. Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


5. Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 6 pm


6. Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


7. Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


8. Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
9. Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


10. Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


11. Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined, Class size 12


12. How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


13. How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


14. The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Beaver Dam - The Dam Notice - Joke

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;LycomingCounty

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.

We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2008.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/25/07 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2008? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Food aid cut in half! – Worthwhile message

We must keep our word to the people of Darfur.

Add your name to the thousands of activists who are urging Congress:

Support full funding for peacekeeping and humanitarian aid in Darfur. http://action.savedarfur.org/campaign/fy08_supplemental/i87we8x207nmwmwx?

Last week, the United Nations World Food Program announced that it will cut half its food supplies to the people of Darfur because of a lack of funds and relentless attacks on its convoys.

Millions of Darfuris depend on this food supply. Without it, they will be pushed even closer to the knife-sharp edge of starvation.

Inaction is not an option when so many lives are at stake.

Congress is preparing to vote on a bill that will significantly increase funding for humanitarian aid and peacekeeping in Darfur. Your representative needs to hear from you NOW because the men, women, and children of Darfur cannot afford any more delays.

Tell Representative Waxman to support funding for security and humanitarian aid in Darfur. http://action.savedarfur.org/campaign/fy08_supplemental/i87we8x207nmwmwx?

Additional funding for Darfur can bring hope to the thousands who have weathered half a decade of genocide. It can provide peacekeepers with training and equipment to protect Darfuri civilians. It can deliver disaster and famine assistance to families desperately in need. And it can help the people of Sudan move towards democracy and determine their own path to peace.

We must meet our obligation to the people of Darfur. Congress has the purse strings. You have the voice. Make sure your voice – and the collective voice of hundreds of thousands of Darfuris – is heard.

Urge your representative to stand up for Darfur and fully fund peacekeeping and humanitarian aid. http://action.savedarfur.org/campaign/fy08_supplemental/i87we8x207nmwmwx?

With the United Nations World Food Program cutting its food aid to Darfur, the clock is ticking faster and louder than ever - we must act quickly to try to fill this crucial gap.

After you have sent a message to your representative, please click here http://action.savedarfur.org/campaign/fy08_supplemental/forward/i87we8x207nmwmwx? to ask your friends and family to do the same.

Thank you for your tireless dedication to the people of Darfur.

Best regards,

Colleen Connors
Save Darfur Coalition

Donate to Help Save Darfur
Help build the political pressure needed to end the crisis in Darfur by supporting the Save Darfur Coalition's crucial awareness and advocacy programs. Click here now to make a secure, tax-deductible online donation. https://donate.savedarfur.org/08/savedarfur/nj7MfeXdqI1PF?

________________________________

Visit the web address below to tell your friends about this.

Tell-a-friend! http://action.savedarfur.org/join-forward.html?domain=savedarfur&r=j7MfeXdqI1PF

Never pay a monthly phone bill again - spam possible scam

(Yet another spam email sent out by UBER SPAMMER Anyobject Marketing Mike Fields. These heavy spammers send me dozens of crap emails every day. Avoid doing any business with Anyobject Marketing and Mike Fields - these are low life scamming rip off spammers who create daily problems with probably millions of inboxes every day)

Subject: Never pay a monthly phone bill again
Sent BY: NoPhoneBills
Sent Via Email: NoPhoneBills@weekx.com
Determination: Annoying Spam if not a rip off scam

Magic Jack
PC Magazine Editor™s Choice.
How can you eliminate your local and long distance bills? Never get a monthly phone bill again. Magic Jack VOIP phone is easy to use with an affordable price. You do not have to pay hundreds of dollars a year for your phone.
30 Day Free Trial. It is only $39.95 after 30-Day Trial if you decide to purchase the phone. After the first year, it is only $19.95 for the following years. Your credit card will not be charged until the trial period has expired. You have 30 days to return your phone.
http://weekx.com

Magic Jack phone order includes:
USB device
Phone number
Directory Assistance
Call Waiting
Voice Mail
Caller ID
All you need is a land line and internet to start making your calls.
Make your calls from anywhere in the world to US and Canada. It is that easy. Limited number is available due to high demand.
View Demo Video:
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If you would like to cease from future emails about Magic Jack, please click here:
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Or send mail here. Optouts, ATTN: 6872, 269 S Beverly Drive, #346, Beverly Hills, CA 90212

To cease announcements from our establishment, please use the methods below otherwise please see above to halt this announcement only.
http://weekx.com
Postal to,
8345_NW_66TH Street #5806_Miami, FL_33166

Spammers information about domain name: weekx.com

Registrant Contact:
AnyObject Marketing
Mike Fields (mfields@anyomarketing.com)
+1.8003961357
Fax: +1.
100 3RD AVE W Suite #201
Bradenton, FL 34203
US

Administrative Contact:
AnyObject Marketing
Mike Fields (mfields@anyomarketing.com)
+1.8003961357
Fax: +1.
100 3RD AVE W Suite #201
Bradenton, FL 34203
US

Technical Contact:
AnyObject Marketing
Mike Fields (mfields@anyomarketing.com)
+1.8003961357
Fax: +1.
100 3RD AVE W Suite #201
Bradenton, FL 34203
US

magicjack.com

ATTN: MAGICJACK.COM
c/o Network Solutions
P.O. Box 447
Herndon, VA 20172-0447
570-708-8780

If you are looking to really save money on a phone and get service form a reputable company we strongly recommend Broadvoice voip Phone service at under $30 a month!

New Aviation Company Capitalizes On Growing Private Jet Market -stgock scam spam

New Aviation Company Capitalizes On Growing Private Jet Market

(obvious stock pump scam)



Dear Investor,

Just wanted to let you know about an up and coming aviation business that has recently partnered with a US venture capital firm to raise funds for their growing business. The private jet market or more specifically the Very Light Jet (VLJ) market has been growing in popularity in the United States ever since the attacks on 9/11. More and more corporate travelers are beginning to take advantage of these types of flights because they provide the convenience of private jet travel without the expense of the larger corporate jets.

This growing trend in light jets has led to increased demand for fuel and service needs at these smaller airports. This is where this aviation company is taking part in this growing market. They have experience in acquiring and managing what are called Fixed Based Operators or FBOs. These service stations are like a gas station, repair shop, and ground transportation center all-in-one. And they provide all the services of a larger airport to individuals and corporate flyers when they land at smaller regional airports.

To find out more about how this company is taking advantage of these trends, please click here, (link goes to http://pws.prserv.net/FBO/landingpage.html)

Regards,



Richard C. Young
Senior Investment Director
Venture Alliance

P.S. - We have also included an article from the World Aircraft Sales Magazine about the growing trend for buying FBO businesses. Its free for your download once you submit your information.

5090 Richmond Ave, Ste 529, Houston, TX 77056
Venture Alliance All Rights Reserved 2008 Privacy Preferences

Grandy's Epack Corporation – spam for a scam

This appears to be a total scam. I would avoid contacting these spamming scammers!

Grandy's Epack Corporation is announcing about a job opening in the company. The software developer now having their clients in different globe spots located needs Financial Representatives to help handle money flow and save both time and efforts of their clients. No upfront paying, you will never be asked for a dime out of your pocket. You get paid instantly in amount of 5% out every transaction operation.

Benefits listed:
-Steady income in amount of 3500 $ minimum on a monthly basis.
-5-6 hours a week! That's all you have to spent on doing this job. You can easily combine this job with your another one.

Requirements:
-Basic idea in Accounting
-Regular internet Access
-Ability to accept payments using your BANK ACCOUNT -Ability to resend money VIA WESTERN UNION

If feel qualified ,please, attach the following info to start up with:
- Fist Name:
- Last Name:
- Age:
- Sex:
- State, City, Zip:
- Phone number( home and cell):
- Valid email address:

Please, contact us for the first time via this email address: Grandysworks@gmail.com , in the subject field put: "Interested". Use only mentioned email address, otherwise we'll fail to receive your response.

The Buffalo Theory - joke from Cheers

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy, Norm.

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.


'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Happy Mental Health Day - joke

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health day!

Guessing a Woman's Age - joke

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds'.

Record High Jump From A Kneeling Position

Record High Jump From A Kneeling Position

A new world's record in the high jump from a kneeling position

Was set last week at a beach in southern France. The picture below was taken just three seconds before the jump took place!

Men & Women Designer Footwear from Chanel Gucci Prada Dior Versace - spam

Subject: Men & Women Designer Footwear from Chanel Gucci Prada Dior Versace
Sent by: Althea Sims
Sent Via Email: vtlyl@bostongreen.com

They say first impressions are everything...Make sure you stand your ground when walking around, simply by walking hard in Top Brand Name Designer Footwear.
Forget department store prices, Enjoy DIRECT PRICING at more than 65% OFF on a wide variety of 2008 Collections from Versace, Prada, Chanel, Dior & More. We also carry TOP BRANDS such as Uggs, Gucci, Dsquared, D&G, Bally, Coach and much more.
Find Loafers, Boots, High Heels, Sneakers and Casual Shoes from Brand Names at less than WHOLESALE prices.
Selection is available for Women and Men, Shipping is FREE WorldWide, Trendy Fashion Footwear Sale of the YEAR!

Forget Department Store Prices, Buy Designer Shoes Direct

Visit Today! http://www.whoshoesyou.com/

Information on these Chinese spammers:

Registrant:
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
410214

Administrative Contact:
Liang
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
wu han Beijing 410214
CN
tel: 101 2345678
fax: 101 2345678
cncliup@21cn.com

Technical Contact:
Liang
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
wu han Beijing 410214
CN
tel: 2345678
fax: 2345678
cncliup@21cn.com

Billing Contact:
Liang
liu bin
wu han huoche zhan
wu han Beijing 410214
CN
tel: 2345678
fax: 2345678
cncliup@21cn.com

Registration Date: 2008-03-20
Update Date: 2008-03-23

Men and Women FREE INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING on Gucci Prada Dior D&G Dsquared Shoes Heels Ugg Boots - spam

Subject: Men and Women FREE INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING on Gucci Prada Dior D&G Dsquared Shoes Heels Ugg Boots
Sent BY: had osborne
Sent Via Email: ppfdonaldrh@ncweb.com


Hey Ladies and Gentlemen

Take advantage, April Spring Collection sale is WILD at The House of Designer Shoes!

Choose from a Wide Variety of Fashion's top brand names such as Dsquared, D&G, Prada Gucci Chanel, Available for Male and Female, Ladies and Gentlemen Christian Dior and More..

Summer Sandals, High Heels, Shoes and MORE Casual Designer Footwear.

Forget Old Fashion Department Store Prices, Save NOW!

Visit - www.shoesdeal57.com Don't Enter if you don't like saving money! (don't enter unless you like supporting spammers!)

Prestige Watches Group LTD 32 route de Glion CH 1910 Montreux Switzerland
Prestige Watches USA - 556 South 3rd Street - Memphis - Tennessee - 38101 - United States

Fifty Years of Math 1958 - 2008 - joke

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950's:

1. Teaching Math In 1950's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20%

5. Teaching Math In 1990's
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Spam from Cattledriver LLC: William (Bill) Hicks

Warning do not do business with spammers such as Cattledriver LLC. The only way to stop spam - unsolicited commercial emails - is to not do business with companies who market this way.

This pathetic spam was sent to a harvested email address of a SEO Company! By harvested

I am trying to contact (name removed)

Anyway I specialize in getting sites
listed at the top of Google in organic listings.
Since you already do some type of advertising in LookSmart, I know you need to get more placement in Google. I was wondering if you could get back with me as soon as possible.
I look forward to working with (web site removed).

In today's Internet Economy everything is about performance. I know I can help drive traffic to (web site removed) and lots of it.

After the first month, it is only $300 month.
That's all there is to it.
I hope that sounds good to you.
I look forward to hearing some kind of response.

http://www.cattle-drive.net
1-888-359-5553

Please get back with me at your earliest convience (Buddy - next time use spell check before you send out unwanted email!) - or you can email me here http://www.cattle-drive.net

Thanks,

JB
1-888-359-5553


(If we emailed you by mistake and you would like to be taken off please go to the url.)

http://www.direct-launch.com
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305

This Cattle Drive company poorly formats emails, has spelling errors in his bulk unsolicited spam emails and has the following HTML errors on his index page alone that could easily have been picked up if the site was checked:

line 1 column 1 - Warning: missing declaration
line 140 column 91 - Warning: discarding unexpected /a
line 147 column 76 - Warning: img unexpected or duplicate quote mark
line 148 column 7 - Warning: font dropping value "arial" for repeated attribute "face"
line 14 column 1 - Warning: script inserting "type" attribute
line 22 column 1 - Warning: script inserting "type" attribute
line 46 column 1 - Warning: script inserting "type" attribute
line 60 column 9 - Warning: table proprietary attribute "bordercolor"

I ask you, would you get a manicure from a manicurists with broken dirty nails?

Would you use an optometrist who can not read an eye chart himself because his glasses are the wrong prescription?

Information about this spammers domain:

Registrant:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net

Registrar Name....: REGISTER.COM, INC.
Registrar Whois...: whois.register.com
Registrar Homepage: www.register.com

Domain Name: cattle-drive.net

Created on..............: Thu, Mar 13, 2008
Expires on..............: Fri, Mar 13, 2009
Record last updated on..: Thu, Mar 13, 2008

Administrative Contact:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Phone: +1.9545681621
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net

Technical Contact:
Registercom
Domain Registrar
575 8th Avenue
New York, NY 10018
US
Phone: +1.9027492701
Email: domainregistrar@register.com

DNS Servers:

dns222.c.register.com
dns249.d.register.com
dns025.b.register.com
dns174.a.register.com

And information about the domain www.direct-launch.com

Registrant:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net

Registrar Name....: REGISTER.COM, INC.
Registrar Whois...: whois.register.com
Registrar Homepage: www.register.com

Domain Name: direct-launch.com

Created on..............: Thu, Mar 13, 2008
Expires on..............: Fri, Mar 13, 2009
Record last updated on..: Thu, Mar 13, 2008

Administrative Contact:
CattleDriver, LLC
William (Bill) Hicks
2018 NE 31 Ave
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33305
US
Phone: +1.9545681621
Email: vlink@bellsouth.net

Technical Contact:
Registercom
Domain Registrar
575 8th Avenue
New York, NY 10018
US
Phone: +1.9027492701
Email: domainregistrar@register.com

DNS Servers:

dns222.c.register.com
dns249.d.register.com
dns025.b.register.com
dns154.a.register.com

Other email address: dave.liscum@cattledriver.com

I wonder if you spam this company if they will like it?

The only way to stop spam - unsolicited commercial emails is to not do business with companies who market this way.

Update May 8th 2008:
More information about Cattle-driver.net alleged spamming activities:

Google Webmaster Help

Name Pros web site



Please do not click on any of the ads on this web site or use any of the services of any companies listed on this web site if you entered this web site on this page or if you searched a company name in order to find this post.

Your site - Search Engine Optimization Spam Email

(Total spam sent to a harvested email address of a SEO Company)
Sent From: Andrew M. Hendersen
Via Email: andrewh.sps@gmail.com
Subj: Your site

We can put you at the top of Yahoo! AND Google today.

Our company now has exclusive technology that can put your website(s) above every other company on all the major search engines. Tired of SEO plans that get you nowhere? Tired of blowing your
budget on pay per click only to lose position immediately? We offer guaranteed results and
promotional pricing that will beat any other program you have used.

If you are interested in getting unlimited traffic and guaranteed positioning with discounted pricing,
contact us today for a "no" obligation quote at: andrewh.sps@gmail.com or simply reply to this
message. Please include the Website(s) you are interested in promoting and the best way to contact
you.

THIS IS NOT PAY PER CLICK. Examples/Demo will be provided.

Sincerely,
Andrew M. Hendersen

(do not ever use spammers or scammers. Use a good company with a good reputation such as http://www.meanseo.com)

Dog in a car - joke

He pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure his Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and he wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. He walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically Now you stay. Do you hear me?''Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady gave him a strange look and said...

Why don't you just put it in park?

Age and the pretty girl - joke

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Lowes or Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following.

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.

You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50’s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes.

The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.

The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

2007 and 2008

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best wishes, chain letters, angel letters
or other promises of good luck if I forwarded the email, well...NONE OF THAT CRAP WORKED!

So for 2008, could you please just send money, beer, porn, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead?

Thanks a lot!

Note found on the refrigerator one morning - joke

Note found on the refrigerator one morning:

My Darling Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset and I shall be home before midnight.

Roger


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman you will understand that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Sybil

one more time please - chain mail

P. U . S . H.


P-----pray
U----until
S----something
H----happens

I need this back... If you'll do this for me... I'll do it for you...

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.

Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.

Father, God bless all my friends and loved ones in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as he/ she seeks to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.

Then send it on to five other people . Within hours you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life

cut property tax

SUCCESS!
The 1.35% cap has made great progress in Key Legislative Committees !!!
We need your continued support

EMAIL/Write more committee members by using the "TAKE ACTION" button below.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 1.35% property Tax Cap is making progress in the House and Senate.

The House Government Efficiency and Accountability Council will soon consider the bill (HB 949). (It has successfully moved out of urban and local affairs! Only one stop left before full House vote).
In addition, the Senate Community Affairs committee will vote yes or no on 4/9 (SB 2190). (It was a major victory to get it on the agenda over the objections of Senate President Ken Pruitt).
These committee votes will be required to move the bills closer to votes by the full House and Senate!

We have made other great progress, thanks to you our grassroots supporter!

In response to our first message, over 2,200 people emailed or mailed over 44,000 messages to key committee members in the House and Senate! One Senator told our Vice-Chair personally that we were very effective.

We have overcome attempts to kill our bills by procedural technicalities and delays.
We are starting to get Senators and Representatives ON THE RECORD for/against our cap.

We have partnered with the Florida Taxpayer Union and contracted with an experienced lobbyist who has helped us compete with the lobbyists of the local governments .
We need more help. Please TAKE ACTION (click button below) to contact more Senate and House Committee members.

Let's keep the pressure on so we can get tax relief this year!

Retiring - Joke

After retiring, I went to the Social Security Office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social
Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten
disability, too."

I fish on Fridays - joke

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

Reader glasses for Guatemala - Good Cause

Subject: Reading Glasses
Determination: Not spam but sent as a forwarded personal message to me. This appears to be a great cause and anyone with extra glasses they no longer use should donate them immediately to help the cause. We suggest supporting these people.

Dear Friends - Bill, Megan, Cally and I will be going to Guatemala for a mission trip on June 1st.

We will be staying in a small village called Cidabenique where the mission team will help with construction, have a vacation bible school, a medical clinic and a family blessing clinic and each evening, have a worship service.

God has placed a desire on my heart to take "reader" glasses to the village - hopefully, one pair per family (there are 150 families in Cidabenique).

On my past two trips to Guatemala, it was very touching to watch the faces of the people as they put on a pair of reader glasses and for the first time, could see the words of the Bible or now could see to thread a needle.

If many of you are like me, I have many pairs of these "reader" glasses around my house and don't know what I would do without them. It is my hope that you will help me collect reader glasses in strengths of 1.00, 1.25, or 1.50 or if you are able , donate money so that I can buy the glasses.

It is my prayer that these glasses will make a huge difference in the Guatemalan people's lives and that that they will know the love of Christ through our acts of kindness. Thank you for your help and most of all, thank you for keeping us in your prayers.

Blessings, Amy B.

Matthew 25:40 "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me"

Bill and Amy Broome
8419 Thornbury Ct.
Knoxville, TN. 37919
865-539-0902

We have many vacancies for you! - employement spam scam

Hello dear friend!

CG/Financial Service Group is an independent, licensed, bonded and insured finance company, which renders it's service on the Internet.

Our company works since 1998 and we work with the countries from Europe, Asia, America, etc. In each country we have a representative of our company and you can become our representative in your city.

We are obliged to provide with our services on the highest professional level, we appreciate your business. Therefore we are proud to take care of every detail in the finance process, without interfering with your business.

Our aim is to provide reliable completing of transactions via the Internet. When real property (valuable information, software, IT projects, intellectual property etc.) changes hands, there arises a question about safety of the transaction, which our company can give. It is important to both the buyer and the seller.

We solve all the questions concerning finance and law documentation, money bank transfers we also provide security and secrecy of transactions carried out. The high-leveled technologies enable us to instantly react to our clients' rapidly changing requirements.

As all our agents are professionals it allows us to complete transactions in short periods of time without any delays.
Our clients trunsfer from your company 200-300 million dollars per month. Through each representative of our company each month passes 100-200 thousand dollars and this guarantees stable earnings into 500-1000$ in the week with our company.
At this moment our company can propose to you the vacancy of finance manager.

If you have 2-3 free hours per day, you must work with us. Why? Because our company - the most rapidly developed company in the world.

You can invite to the work your friends! Also we guarantee to you that for a good work you will be promoted to a higher post and you will earn more.

If you want learn more about our company and are interested by our vacancy, please feel free to contact us via email:

farmi@km.ru

Kindest regards,

Administrative Director
Robert Hunting

Yiddish Humor

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

===============================================================

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are some examples:


There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.


A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."


I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!


What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"


Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.


We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.


The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"


Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"


A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor answers "That's what puzzles me!"


Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"


A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."


A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"


Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.


Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.


I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.


The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.


Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.


Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."


Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.


Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."


Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.


Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days!"
"Force yourself," she replied.



Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

What the Hell Happened to Your Face? Photo gallery

What the Hell Happened to Your Face?

All I can say is wow!

Some of these women have been smoking hot for years and now...yuck!

What makes the day interesting. - joke

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi. He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, "Obama in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

Dear Lucky Winner - spam scam email

Dear Lucky Winner,

Our Ref: ILP/HW 47509/02
Dear Lucky Winner,

We are delighted to inform you that your EMAIL ID attached to ticket number: 275189657/2305 with Serial number 8756-NBUK05 drew the lucky numbers 11 13 26 34 44 48 and bonus ball number 2. You have therefore been approved for a lump sum payout of Nine Hundred and Fifteen Thousand Eight Hundred and Ten Pounds (£915,810.00) in cash credited to file with Ref.NO.BLF/0073883/07. For more informations about your winnings and claim of prize, contact your claim agent with the below PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM filled by you.
-------------------------
Contact Agent Mr.Gavin Wallace
EMAIL: claimsagentofficerp0@googlemail.com
Tel: +44 (070) 4572 2133
-------------------------
PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM
1) MR./MS. :
2) Family Name (Last Name/Surname):
3) Given Name (First Name/Additional Names):
4) Country of Birth:
5) Country of Citizenship:
6) Complete mailing address:
7) City/State:
8) Telephone Number:
Please do not reply to this mail contact your claim agent Mr.Gavin Wallace.
Yours Sincerely,
Anton Brooks(Co-ordinator Online Promo Programme)

I NEED YOUR HONEST ASSISTANCE - spam scam

Dear Friend,

I am Dr. Bernard Okumagba. Director of accounts, Eco Bank plc. A contractor made a deposit valued at USD$18 million since year 2000. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we discovered from his contract employers, that the depositor had died. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a will. However, my proposal is to front you as the next of kin/beneficiary to the deceased Customer of our bank, if this transaction interests you kindly let me know so I can advice you on how we will execute this deal.

You should forward the following information: Your telephone/fax numbers and Residential address which is also needed. You will have to give me the assurance that this money will be intact pending my physical arrival in your country for sharing and disbursement which will be 35% for your assistance 60% will be for us while 5% will be set aside to take care of all expenses that would be incurred by both parties during the course of the transfer. I look forward to your earliest response through my alternative email address below (bennkumm@yahoo.fr) for security reasons.

Regards,
Dr. Bernard Okumagba.

BABIES FIRST EXAMINATION - joke

BABIES FIRST EXAMINATION

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to
come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

'Breast-fed, she replied.'

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'