The Seven (7) Kinds of Sex – sex jokes

The first kind of sex is called Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The second kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The third kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The fourth kind of sex is called Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F**k You'

The fifth kind of sex is called Religious Sex. (Very Popular)
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The sixth kind of sex is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

...And last but not least

The seventh kind of sex is called Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month, But it’s not enough to enjoy yourself.

Please do not reply to tell me what stage you are in and I have enough problems of my own!

6 Affairs – Collection Of Jokes About Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

---

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

---

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private parts he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

---

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

---

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

---

The 6th and Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Central Bank Of Nigeria Your Over-Due Contract Payment Scam Spam Email

Sent by: CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)

Sent Via Email: info@cbn.org

Subject: URGENT RESPOND.

Determination: Scam spam email using email address that is being spoofed from The Christian Broadcasting Network, Inc. What an interesting combination!


YOUR OVER-DUE CONTRACT PAYMENT.
From the Desk Of:Sanusi Lamido Aminu Sanusi Executive Governor (CBN) IMMEDIATE PAYMENT
REF: CBN/IRD/CBX/021/07
EMAIL:-www-centralbnknigeria-lloydsbnk@hotmail.com

ATTENTION:

THIS IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT YOUR OVER DUE CONTRACT FUND HAS BEEN GAZETTED TO BE RELEASED, VIA KEY TELEX TRANSFER (KTT ) -DIRECT WIRE TRANSFER TO YOU OR THROUGH OUR LONDON OFFICE BY THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN OVER DUE FUND TRANSFER.

MEANWHILE, A WOMAN CAME TO MY OFFICE FEW DAYS AGO WITH A LETTER, CLAIMING TO BE YOUR TRUE REPRESENTATIVE.HERE ARE HER INFORMATION'S:

NAME: LILLIAN DEBORAH DUNCAN
BANK NAME: ST.GEORGE BANK AUSTRALIA
BANK ADDRESS: SOUTH AUSTRALIA.
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 67578438905879.

PLEASE, DO RECONFIRM TO THIS OFFICE , AS A MATTER OF URGENCY IF THIS WOMAN IS FROM YOU SO THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR PAYING INTO THE WRONG ACCOUNT INFORMATION.

IF THIS WOMAN IS NOT YOUR REP, YOU ARE REQUESTED TO FILL AND SEND THIS INFORMATION FOR VERIFICATIONS PURPOSES SO THAT YOUR FUND VALID US$12.5M US DOLLARS WILL BE REMITTED INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT INFO.THIS FUND IS AS A RESULT OF CONTRACT ON YOUR BEHALF.

1. YOUR NAME:..............................
2. YOUR FULL ADDRESS:...................................
3. YOUR TELEPHONE ..................................
4. FAX...................................................
5. AGE......................................................
6. SEX:....................................
7. YOUR OCCUPATION:.......................................

AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THIS, WE WILL COMMENCE WITH ALL NECESSARY PROCEDURES IN OTHER TO RECOMMIT THIS MONEY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

THE CENTRAL BANK GOVERNOR, EXECUTIVE, BOARD OF DIRECTORS AND THE SENATE COMMITTEE FOR FOREIGN OVER DUE CONTRACT FUND HAVE APPROVED AND ACCREDITED THIS REPUTABLE BANK WITH THE OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR, INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE / FOREIGN OPERATIONS, TO HANDLE AND TRANSFER ALL FOREIGN CONTRACT FUND THIS FIRST QUARTER PAYMENT OF THE YEAR.HOWEVER, WE SHALL PROCEED TO ISSUE ALL PAYMENTS DETAILS TO THE SAID MRS.WHITE, IF WE DO NOT HEAR FROM YOU WITHIN THE NEXT THREE WORKING DAYS FROM TODAY. WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE THE DELAY IN TRANSFERRING OF THIS FUND MUST HAVE CAUSE YOU.

PLEASE MAIL BACK,www-centralbnknigeria-lloydsbnk@hotmail.com , YOU CAN CALL ME
ON:+2348027234471

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOURS SINCERELY,
Sanusi Lamido Aminu Sanusi
GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)

CC: FEDERAL HIGH COURT.
CC: OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY APPROVED STAMP 55/RR/TT.
CC: EFCC NIGERIA BATCH (NIG6454/INST7).

Email Address tracking

Domain ID:D4198152-LROR
Domain Name:CBN.ORG
Created On:07-Jul-1993 04:00:00 UTC
Last Updated On:05-Aug-2009 12:50:10 UTC
Expiration Date:06-Jul-2013 04:00:00 UTC
Sponsoring Registrar:Melbourne IT, Ltd (R52-LROR)
Status:OK
Registrant ID:10686353623350
Registrant Name:The Christian Broadcasting Network, Inc
Registrant Street1:977 Centerville Turnpike
Registrant Street2:_
Registrant Street3:
Registrant City:Virginia Beach
Registrant State/Province:VA
Registrant Postal Code:23463-0001
Registrant Country:US
Registrant Phone:+1.17572263551
Registrant Phone Ext.:
Registrant FAX:+1.17572263550
Registrant FAX Ext.:
Registrant Email:lisa.webber@cbn.org
Admin ID:10686353626780
Admin Name:Lisa Webber
Admin Street1:977 Centerville Turnpike
Admin Street2:CBN--CSB336
Admin Street3:
Admin City:Virginia Beach
Admin State/Province:VA
Admin Postal Code:23463-0001
Admin Country:US
Admin Phone:+1.7572263551
Admin Phone Ext.:
Admin FAX:+1.7572263550
Admin FAX Ext.:
Admin Email:lisa.webber@cbn.org
Tech ID:10686353633380
Tech Name:Richard Shaw
Tech Street1:977 Centerville Turnpike
Tech Street2:CBN--CSB206
Tech Street3:
Tech City:Virginia Beach
Tech State/Province:VA
Tech Postal Code:23463-0001
Tech Country:US
Tech Phone:+1.7572263150
Tech Phone Ext.:
Tech FAX:+1.7572263126
Tech FAX Ext.:
Tech Email:richard.shaw@cbn.org
Name Server:NS1.CBN.ORG
Name Server:NS2.CBN.ORG

No subject scam email sent by Mrs. Favour Daniela Daniel

Lately we have seen a huge increase in scam spam emails again such as this one with no subject sent by Mrs. Favour Daniela Daniel for the JONATHAN DANIEL FOUNDATION.

Note the terrible grammar and miss-capitalization.

Sent By: Mrs. Favour Daniela Daniel.

Sent Via Email Address: mrs.favourdd200@gmail.com

Beloved your interest would interest me most.

i am Mrs. Favour Daniela Daniel., a British woman, suffering from cancerous ailment. i am married to Mr. Daniel Jonathan, my husband worked with chevron corporation for twenty years before he died at the age of 54 in 5th of January 2008 after a brief illness. Since his death i decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home due to our tradition.

my husband and i prepared a blueprint for establishing a foundation that would be directed towards helping the needy in our society. This plan was still in the incubation stage rearing for activation before the sickness that claimed my husband and now left me in this debilitating state. my late husband deposited the sum of 12 million (twelve million united states dollars) with a finance house presently this money is still there i am writing from my sick bed. i am looking for a credible person to whom i will pass the right of next of kin. Although we have not met before, i got your email address on the internet, and my confidence reposed on you. i hope you read this message carefully and reply me immediately.

recently, my doctor told me that i have limited days to live due to the stroke and cancerous problems i am suffering from. i have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husband's effort to fund the upkeep of widows and charities worldwide. In other words, you shall utilize 80% of this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around the world but in our names: FAVOUR - JONATHAN DANIEL FOUNDATION.

You will have to assure me that you will act according to my instructions as i have explained here and to keep this matter confidential till when this fund get to your custody. i cannot predict what will be my fate by the time the fund will be transferred into your account, but you should please ensure that the fund is used as i have stated above. Your interest to executing this assignment for the sake of the needy globally would interest me most as i am convinced that i have only few months to stay here on earth.

If this condition is acceptable by you, please contact me immediately with your :(1) full names, residential address, phone number, age and country and also your picture. i shall give you the contact of the finance house.

I do not want my husband hard-earned money to be misused. i want you to always pray for me. note that this transaction is 100% legal and real.

Thanks and God bless

Yours sincerely in the lord,

Mrs. Favour Daniela Daniel.

mrs.daniela2010@yahoo.com

Statistics and Facts about Masturbation

These statistics and facts about Masturbation by men and women have not been fact checked by us, but anyone willing to do so, feel free to do it and report your findings. This masturbation illustration was sent to us by email by an unknown sender.

Click on picture for larger image.

A friend needs some advice

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs, if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up, she goes out with the girls…a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on....

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine-mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?