You will love these funny as crap rolls of printed toilet paper of all types for those who take longer on the john. Where would you see these toilet paper rolls? Only in America! There is a little something for everyone such as Black Toilet Paper, Camouflage Toilet Paper, a $100 Dollar Bill Toilet Paper, Cheese Grater Toilet Paper, a Ruler Toilet Paper and How To Wipe Toilet Paper!
Mouse Balls and Mouse Ball inspector
[I do not know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor - especially note the last couple of sentences.]
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Subject: You've Been Selected for the 2011 Search Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals
Sent by: ProfessionalBiographies
Sent Via Email Address: info@dgconnected.com
Determination: Scam like all of the other Who's Who directory spam email rip offs
Hi,
You were recently appointed as a biographical candidate for inclusion in the prestigious 2011 "Search Who’s Who" directory of accomplished executives and professionals.
We are pleased to inform you that on October 28th your candidacy was formally approved by Professional Biographies. Congratulations!
The office of the Managing Director appoints individuals based upon a candidate’s current position and also focuses on information obtained from researched executive and professional listings. Given your background, the Director thinks that you may make an interesting biographical subject for online publication.
There is NO COST nor obligation to be certified by Professional Biographies and listed in the 2011 “Search Who’s Who” directory.
After receiving verification, we will validate your registry listing within seven business days. Once finalized, your profile will share prominent registry space with thousands of fellow accomplished individuals across the globe - each representing accomplishments within their own geographical area.
Your prompt response is needed to ensure your correct professional information. Upon final confirmation, you will also receive a Personal Website.
Click here to verify your information, accept the candidacy in Search Who’s Who and receive your Personal Website (including your professionally written biography).
Our registration deadline is November 30th, 2011.
To ensure you are included, we must receive your verification on or before this date. On behalf of our Committee, I salute your achievement and look forward to welcoming you to our association.
Benjamin Morrison
Editor in Chief
244 5th Ave, Suite B279
New York, NY 10001
To no longer receive email notifications, please visit here
Information about Domain Name: dgconnected.com
Registrar: Name.com LLC
Protected Domain Services Customer ID: NCR-3567206
Expiration Date: 2012-09-26 19:57:03
Creation Date: 2011-09-26 19:57:03
Name Servers:
ns1.hsdmedia.com
ns2.hsdmedia.com
Domain privacy provided by Protected Domain Services. For more information see www.protecteddomainservices.com
REGISTRANT CONTACT INFO
Protected Domain Services - Customer ID: NCR-3567206
P.O. Box 6197
Denver
CO
80206
US
Phone: +1.7202492374
Email Address: dgconnected.com@protecteddomainservices.com
ADMINISTRATIVE CONTACT INFO
Protected Domain Services - Customer ID: NCR-3567206
P.O. Box 6197
Denver
CO
80206
US
Phone: +1.7202492374
Email Address: dgconnected.com@protecteddomainservices.com
TECHNICAL CONTACT INFO
Protected Domain Services - Customer ID: NCR-3567206
P.O. Box 6197
Denver
CO
80206
US
Phone: +1.7202492374
Email Address: dgconnected.com@protecteddomainservices.com
BILLING CONTACT INFO
Protected Domain Services - Customer ID: NCR-3567206
P.O. Box 6197
Denver
CO
80206
US
Phone: +1.7202492374
Email Address: dgconnected.com@protecteddomainservices.com
Clinging on for dear life to the side of a vertical cliff, the tiny lion cub cries out pitifully for help.
His mother arrives at the edge of the precipice with three other lionesses and a male. The females start to clamber down together but turn back daunted by the sheer drop.
Eventually one single factor determines which of them will risk her life to save the youngster - motherly love.
The drama begins: The mother arrives at the edge of the cliff as her son cries out for rescue after being trapped when he slipped.
On the brink: Four lionesses look over the edge before aborting their rescue mission because of the sheer drop.
Slowly, agonizingly, the big cat edges her way down towards her terrified son, using her powerful claws to grip the crumbling cliff side.
One slip from her and both animals could end up dead at the bottom of the ravine.
Just as the exhausted cub seems about to fall, his mother circles beneath him and he is snatched up in her jaws.
She then begins the equally perilous journey back to the top. Minutes later, they arrive and she gives the frightened creature a consoling lick on the head.
The dramatic rescue, captured by wildlife photographer Jean-Francois Largot, was played out in Kenya's Masai Mara game reserve.
Despite the presence of wardens to deter poachers, day-to-day life for the lions is not without its dangers, as the cub learned the hard way.
Rescue mission: The mother inches her way down the cliff face to rescue the terrified cub before locking him in her jaws and making her way back up the cliff face.
Motherly love: The mother gives her son a lick to say that all is well in the pride following the drama.
A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India:
Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
Tuna Singh
His wife replied...
TINKU KE PAPPA,
Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses:
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance. Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi
Apparently no one considered the sun when designing this wall...
Anyone want to take a guess where this wall is located? It is at Saint Peter's Basilica. Now, I don't care who you are, THAT'S funny!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend...yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 dumb ass Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's!"
"What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't like.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris, could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window that included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Mowbray Blvd.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
Subject: Re: Payment Notification:
Sent by: MRS FARIDA WAZIRE.
Sent Via Email: ofice-nigeria@hotmail.com
Determination: It's a Nigerian scam for either phishing or just to steal your money
Re: Payment Notification:
We are writhing to know if it's true that you are DEAD? Because we received a notification from one MR. Bob Chantler of USA stating that you are DEAD and that you have giving him the right to claim your funds. He stated you died on a CAR accident. He has been calling us regarding this issue, but we cannot proceed with him until we confirm this by not hearing from you after 2 days. Be advised that we have made all arrangements for you to receive and confirm your funds without anymore stress, and without any further delays.
All we need to confirm now is your been DEAD Or still Alive. Because this MAN'S message brought shock to our minds. And we just can't proceed with him until we Reconfirm if this is a reality OR not But if it happened we did not hear from you after 2 days, then we say: MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PERFECT PEACE"
YOUR JOY AND SUCCESS REMAINS OUR GOAL.
May the peace of the Lord be with you wherever you may be now.
Your Faithfully,
Mrs. Farida Waziri
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate so I got canned.
2. Then I worked as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, it was a sew-sew job and I wasn't suited for it.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a working in a deli, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but they said I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory, tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working as a plumber, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – but there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. So, I tried retirement - and I found I’m perfect for the job - love it!
Subject: Deactivation of This Email Address.
Sent by: System Administrator
Sent Via Email Address:notification@admin.info
Determination: This is an obvious attempt to get you to supply your password so your email address can be taken over for at least spamming if not complete identity theft. Do not respond to such emails ever!
THIS MESSAGE IS FROM OUR TECHNICAL SUPPORT TEAM This message is sent automatically by the computer.
If you are receiving this message it means that your email address has been queued for deactivation; this was as a result of a continuous error script (code:505)received from this email address.
To resolve this problem you must reset your email address. In order to reset this email address, you must reply to this e-mail by providing us the following Information for confirmation.
Email User Name : { }
Current Email Password : { }
Re-confirm Password: { }
Note: Providing a wrong information or ignoring this message will resolve to the deactivation of This Email Address.
You will continue to receive this warning message periodically till your email address is been reset or deactivated
The same Email was just received with 3 different subjects and 3 different greetings:
Subject: Uncorrupted philosopher wanted
Subject: I want to be loved
Subject: Could it be you
All these emails showed my email address as the sender!
Greeting 1: bonjour sweetest one!
Greeting 2: Hola my beloved!
Greeting 3: how do you do handsome?
The reduction of the universe to a single being, the expansion of a single being even to God, this is love.
Hello Honey! I would like to tell you a bit about myself.
I'm tall with a middle figure.
I have long blond, very beautiful hair, small nice nose, perfect lips and big blue eyes.
I am a sociable easy going person, so I like meeting friends, going out, have fun and new something interesting.
I'm looking for a strong relations with a caring and smart man!
I am really tired of all these temporary relations.
I would like to find a man who will be able to estimate not only my beauty, but also my brain and my soul...
I want him to kind and handsome, brave and tender, romantic and honest.
my site: www.findyourlove.in
Mister he Best Man, bye for now
Vally
These emails are starting to come in and are coming from the same spammers:
Subject: I am in the mood for new you
ciao, well-beloved!
Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.
www.matchforyou.ru
Hello sweetheart!
I'm very fragile, delicate girl.
Have hazelnut color eyes, thin lips and beautiful little nous, dark-cherry hair with shortcut like a boy.
Have ear piercing.
Actually I'm not very romantic person.
Usually I have to be strict in the office cause I have a management position.
But when I'm at home I like to relax a little, and to be subordinated to someone.
It is so hard to be strong business woman all the time.
I want to find a man who will be able to protect me and make my life easier!
I would like to meet my beloved one, special one, best friend and loving person, who is merry, kind, tender, affectionate and liberal.
Mister Perfect, bye for now
Subject: Kindly acknowledge receipt of this mail
Sent by: Mr.Peter Lee.
Sent Via Email: petrlllee@gmail.com
Determination: This spam email is a total scam. Interesting it is sent from a free Gmail account but looking for a response to a free yahoo email account. Interesting spelling mistakes.
Greetings,
My sincere apologies if this letter causes any form of Irritation or embarrassment or,i would want to demand a high level of maturity from you while reading this letter. I got your reference in my search for someone who suits my proposed business relationship.
I am proposing a very high profiled business transaction to you with returns very lucrative. In the pursuit of this business, it involves huge specific amount that i can't mention here for security reasons. I will eed you to assist me in executing a business project from Hong Kong to your country.
Everything concerning this transaction shall be legally done without hitch. Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.
If you feel you can handle this project, please let me know so that i send you attached comprehensive details of this transaction. I will prefer you reach me on my private email address (petrllee1954@yahoo.com.hk) you would be given more information upon your response to this correspondence.
Once again my apologies if this letter cause any form of embarrassment to your personality. Please if you are not interested delete this email and do not hunt me because i am putting my career and the life of my family at stake with this venture, although nothing ventured is nothing gained.
Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated but if you are not interested delete this email immediately.
Regards,
Mr.Peter Lee.
Subject: From Brigadier General Koffi Gadawi from Lybia
Sent by: BRIGADIER GENERAL KOFFI GADAWI
Sent Via Email: iddo.transitt022@gmail.com
Determination: typical scam email: "you send me money and I send you lots" although the "lots" never comes
Dear Friend,
My name is Brigadier General Koffi Gadawi from Lybia, currently serving in the Lybia Army. I am the general officer commanding Monrovia Military cantonment, which conflit is going on. The bombs and other armories seized during the Liberia civil war and the Cameroon war exploded and burnt buildings including the senior officers quarters where I was resided. I am mailing from my hotel room where I checked in with my family, of which if things returns to normal we will move back to the cantonment.
I have lodged in Cotonou, Benin Republic cash of US$12.6M deposit with a security and finance company. This money was supposed to be for the first quarter of the federal impress which comes to the army quarterly every year. I have achieved this with the help of my special military intelligent officer who is the only person aware of this transaction. Claims had already been made by the cantonment that this money due to the late arrival last Friday before the Fight explosion, could not be taken to the bank even though I did. As a result of that conflit, the building where this money was kept burnt.
Please ensure you keep this transaction secret, as I have trust on you.
Send me your fax and telephone/mobile numbers so that we will conclude how we will follow the transaction as soon as possible.
This matter should be treated urgent and confidential. Reply to:bgenkoffigadawii@gmail.com
Thanks.
Brigadier General Koffi Gadawi
Lybia.
Email: bgenkoffigadawii@gmail.com
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 7I0. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 7I0 on this car?'.
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted
If you're not sure what a 7I0 is here it is:
There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg, Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this person nailed it!
Dear Mr. President,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
It can't get any easier than that!
PS: If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes. Mr. President, while you are at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I will bet both programs would be fixed immediately!
Best thing I have heard yet...From a senior citizen around 80 years old. We are not useless yet.
