from David Letterman, July 19, 1994:
10. Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right.
9. She could've used a little more of his eye-liner.
8. I bet they didn't have to get married.
7. I'll have to ask you to check your snake at the door, La Toya.
6. I'm sorry, I can't find a Brooke Shields on the guest list, ma'am.
5. There's that strange whirring sound again -- as if some deceased rock star were spinning in his grave.
4. I got you some his and hers towels. Split 'em up however you like.
3. I'm Mr. Tito Jackson. You mean Dr. Tito Jackson? Yes I am.
2. Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake -- oh, it's just Liz Taylor.
1. I just heard on the weather channel -- hell froze over.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A: Got two fives for a ten?
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Is Preparing for Fatherhood
from David Letterman, November 14, 1996
10. Taking Lamaze classes with Bubbles the chimp
9. Deciding whether or not its okay to name a girl "Tito".
8. Reading Dr. Spock's "How to Raise a Weird-Ass Child".
7. Asking LaToya to help him find a good psychic babysitter.
6. Memorizing the mother's name in case they actually meet.
5. Buying hundreds of toys and stuffed animals, and also a few things for the baby.
4. Installing nursery monitor that will sound alarm if baby starts to act normal.
3. Having mother take sonogram test to determine the baby's sex.
2. Having the same test done on himself.
1. Child-proofing each and every llama in the house.
Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology": "Spare the rod, and spoil the child."
Top 10 Good Things About Being Married to Michael Jackson
from David Letterman, August 02, 1994
10. When you get a few years older, good advice on plastic surgeons.
9. White sequined glove prevents greasy finger prints on fridge.
8. Fun to say, "Honey, could you moonwalk down to the shop n' save for a quart of milk?"
7. After a day with the Jacksons, suddenly your Presley relatives seem normal.
6. None of those annoying demands for sex.
5. His squeeky ultrasonic voice keeps away mice.
4. As the King of Pop, he gets the 10% dinner discount at participating Red Lobster restaurants.
3. If he comes home with lipstick on his collar, you can be pretty sure it's his own.
2. Never have to throw out leftovers with Liz dropping by.
1. Three words: CHRISTMAS WITH TITO.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Taping of the Jackson Family Special
from David Letterman, February 21, 1994
10. How did Tito get the night off from Domino's?
9. Once again, please welcome the Jackson family lawyers!
8. No kidding? He's my plastic surgeon too!
7. That's odd ... I don't remember a Jackson named 'Nipsey'.
6. More fudge, Miss Taylor?
5. Siegfried-Tito, Tito-Siegfried, Roy-Tito, Tito-Roy ...
4. Good News. Brooke has agreed to continue pretending she's dating Michael.
3. What's LaToya doing with that lead pipe?
2. It's great to see Michael grabbing himself again.
1. Sing something, you weirdo!
Top Ten Attractions At The New Michael Jackson Theme Park
from David Letterman, July 14, 1998
10. Latoya-Go-Round
9. Diseased Chimp Petting Zoo
8. Mr. Toad's Wild Hyperbaric Chamber
7. Country Bear Crotch-Grabbin' Jamboree
6. Michael's Haunted Pants
5. Guess Tito's Weight
4. Used Surgical Mask Trampoline
3. 20,000 Leagues Under The Scalpel
2. The Lipo-Coaster
1. Deposition Land
Top Ten MTV Music Award Categories Michael Jackson is Nominated In
from David Letterman July 26, 1995
10. Best editing of facial features
9. Outstanding performance in ongoing police investigation
8. Weirdest male artist
7. Weirdest female artist
6. Best performance in a black and white video by artist who isn't really either
5. New video by guy with a brother named Tito
4. Best singer who talks just like Mike Tyson
3. Least life-like nose
2. Best acting in a marriage
1. Best new face
Top Ten Michael Jackson Marriage Tips
from David Letterman, June 14, 1995
10. Mickey Mouse ears make a great birth control device.
9. Be considerate -- try not to hog the monkey.
8. Keep the moonwalking crap to a minimum.
7. Apologize after saying something like "I wished I'd married the remains of the elephant man instead of you!"
6. Whenever wife complains about how freakin' weird you are, show her a picture of Prince
5. Make it clear that as far as she is concerned, your pants are neverland.
4. Pretend not to notice when she flirts with other androgynous freaks.
3. Maintain joint account with Revlon.
2. Keep having surgery until you and your wife are identical twins.
1. Two words: Beat it!
Top Ten Signs There's Already Trouble in Michael Jackson's Marriage
from David Letterman, November 19, 1996
10. Their plastic surgeons aren't speaking to each other.
9. She's constantly screaming, "You're no Tito!"
8. She's filed a restraining order to make him "cut out that Moonwalking crap".
7. Her parents just found out that Michael Jackson used to be black.
6. She's discovered that he's not exactly a "Thriller" in the sack.
5. They're always fighting over the mascara.
4. When he removed his surgical mask, she said, "Michael Jackson? I thought I was marrying Michael Jordan!"
3. They just can't agree on whether to raise their child as a freak or a weirdo.
2. Sign on her bedroom door says, "Neverland".
1. She's started dating O.J.
Top Ten Signs of Trouble in the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Marriage
from David Letterman, August 05, 1994
10. Michael going through noses faster than ever.
9. She's flirting with Tito.
8. If two completely normal people like Roseanne and Tom can't make it, then these kids don't have a chance.
7. Lately, Michael's been acting kind of weird.
6. Four words: Marriage tips from Liz.
5. Michael caught wearing another woman's make-up.
4. He put the Club on the bedroom door.
3. Michael spotted in Central Park with Soon-Yi.
2. She wants the toilet seat left down, and he... well, actually, no trouble there.
1. Now they're both touching themselves.
Top Ten Signs the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Marriage is in Trouble
from David Letterman, November 14, 1994
10. Michael looking pale and weird lately.
9. Their Christmas card is a copy of their pre-nuptial agreement.
8. They no longer share the Maybelline.
7. Michael living in a Motel 6 outside of Rochester, N.Y.
6. Lisa Marie now dating Richard Simmons.
5. She likes Wendy's, he's an Arby's man.
4. Lisa Marie refused to take the four-year intensive NASA training program that would teach her to moonwalk.
3. She's making eyes at other androgynous freaks.
2. She's found out "Neverland" refers to their sex life.
1. He's grabbing himself again.
Top Ten Lisa Marie's Complaints about Michael Jackson
from David Letterman, December 02, 1994
10. Always screaming at the TV during Packers games.
9. Keeps forgetting to put the cap back on the mascara.
8. That moonwalking crap gets old real fast.
7. It's always Liz Taylor this, Liz Taylor that...
6. I know I'm his wife--but the man wants sex morning, noon and night!
5. Jackson 5 closer to 4 and 5/8ths.
4. The high-pitched squealing every time he sees a toy he wants.
3. Chugs a couple of buds, falls asleep on the La-Z-Boy, and snores like a son-of-a-bitch.
2. His bedroom filled with the overwhelming stench of chimp!
1. He's a great big freak!
The Top 19 Michael Jackson Parenting Tips
19. Rather than spanking, threaten to have Tito baby sit.
18. When the child does something wrong, grab your crotch, thrust it forward, and scream, "BAD!"
17. Elephant Man bones make a nifty over-the-crib mobile.
16. You should always being willing to share your toys... and so should your child, for that matter.
15. Little friends are always welcome, once they've signed the standard release.
14. Keep baking soda handy to extinguish flaming hair.
13. There's nothing a spoonful of sugar, a big hug, and $15,000,000 can't fix.
12. Teach your child, "Beauty is only skin deep -- but hey, a few face peels never hurt anybody."
11. Wait until your child can effectively bob and weave before allowing him to spend the weekend with his grandpa.
10. At birthday parties, don't leave Elizabeth Taylor unattended at the punch bowl.
9. Snug-fitting diapers will keep you from becoming the "King of Poop".
8. That sheep in the petting zoo is only for Daddy.
7. Teach your child not to spank the monkey.
6. It's OK to love your child, just don't LOVE your child.
5. Frequent plastic surgery keeps your kids feeling and looking *fresh*!
4. Spankings are okay -- but stop if the little tyke's hand gets sore.
3. Let the child pick his nose -- from a catalog.
2. Remove glove *before* changing diaper.
And The Number 1 Michael Jackson Parenting Tip...
1. Don't let your child play with Madonna's child -- some people are just too WEIRD.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Celebrated His 36th Birthday
from David Letterman, September 01, 1994
10. Plays pin-the-nose-on-the-donkey.
9. Enjoyed big steak dinner cooked by Lisa Marie, drank beer and watched wrestling till he fell asleep.
8. Received novelty drinking mug that says "World's Greatest Reclusive Freak."
7. A champagne celebration with his wife, the monkey and that super short guy.
6. Doing what he always does -- acting really weird.
5. Goes 0-4 against the Tidewater Mets (Sorry, that's how Michael Jordan celebrated his birthday).
4. Inhaled helium from party balloons to make his voice higher.
3. Found Tito stealing tomatoes from his vegetable garden; chased him around the house with a rake.
2. Turned Liz loose on the leftover birthday cake.
1. Two words: grabbing himself.
Heard on David Letterman, August 27, 2003:
Michael Jackson came off a plane. He was wearing pajamas, carrying an umbrella and holding a battery-operated fan. If he keeps this up, he could get a reputation for being weird.
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